Would you read this story?
Sophie was fed up. She had thought her life would return to normal, without the problems from her past. But then he came back into her life. When he took the first step into Sophie's class, Sophie was caught in a whirlpool and threatened to sink into it…
(2 votes)
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No, I wouldn’t be using this short description. As Dakaria21 already wrote, there is no description of the content. You basically only throw empty hints about you without telling what the conflict is. As a reader, I can’t make such a picture of the story and so I can’t judge whether it could please me or not. This completely misses the meaning of a short description.
Why do you share this with the potential reader first? No one knows who Sophie is or what she doesn’t like anymore and no one cares about it. A short description is to tell in as few sentences as possible, but as many as you need, what is the matter of your story. The text should therefore be as tight as possible. There have been such sentences as “Sophie had no desire anymore” nothing.
Don’t just touch the problem. Everyone had problems in the past. What exactly? Alcohol? Depression? A broken heart? Crime? What exactly is it?
Who is “he” and what exactly does it change for them? What’s the problem?
This could mean anything and is much too vague. He could be her ex-boyfriend from which she just doesn’t come. He could be the killer of her best friend and she’s the witness he’s got to get rid of. He could be her arch enemy/rival. He could be a drug dealer who wants to drive her back to the addiction. There are so many ways in which direction your story might go that you have no idea.
You’re scaring readers rather than attracting them.
Look at some short descriptions of real books. This could help you learn how to make it better. On Amazon or Thalia you will find some examples if you have no books at home.
Love
Honestly? No.
Young women who have severe social problems and stuff, I read here at least 12 per hour. And it tired and bores me.
No, I wouldn’t.
The main problem of your short description is the missing content. You briefly describe a superficial 08/15 setting and then you talk about a “strudel in which your main person threatens to sink”, which is nothing more than an empty flea.
A short description is that a reader can assess whether your story sounds interesting to him. The most important thing is that you get an idea of what direction the main conflict is going on. Many things could become from the setting and the empty flea: maybe the main person has gone out of a gang, an old member changes to the class and she is moved back into her criminal life. Or it becomes a detective novel, and he swirls dust from their past and it begins to determine. Maybe it goes towards a fantasy story and “he” comes from another world. Or it becomes – and I think that is most likely – a romance.
Try to get content in your short description. In the end, the reader must have an idea of two things: is history going in a direction that might interest him, and if so, why should he just read yours and not another one that goes in the same direction?
Also improve your grammar. There are no commas in your text. I expect an author to rule the German language. In the end, I want to have fun reading and not constantly being interrupted due to its errors in my reading flow. Volatility errors are, of course, all right.
In fact, you’re more negative.
For me, the story sounds boring, sorry. If I want to read something, science fiction, adventure or action.
A story needs a unique feature, a voltage arc that captures the readers.
I’m sure you can write something good with a lot of exercise. I used to stand where you’re now. You need a thick coat, patience and critique. Especially never give up.
Maybe work with “Show, don`t tell”. :
There’s little tension for me. The story begins on average and for me there is also no appeal to read on, because it is like a very typical depressive story of a young woman. Not my case.
What problems did she have in the past? Who is he? Is it a fellow student? A teacher? An evil spirit?
What kind of strudel is it in which it sinks? A strudel of fear, drugs, abuse? What?
Your description is too superficial and gives me no reason to be interested in your history.
Work out your text in a deceptive manner to the above questions, then it could become more interesting.
It is beautifully written and certainly also exciting for people who are in such sort of stories.
I myself would have no pleasure reading such a story. But what does not mean is that the idea is bad.
You have a short text, not much info.
From the short description I can not draw as many conclusions now, but it sounds extremely generic.
No, I wouldn’t. I only read Fantasy/Sci-Fi or sometimes Dark Romance. Your brief description doesn’t give me any interest.