Woher weiß man, dass man bereit ist Mutter zu werden?
Diese Frage stelle ich mir nun schon eine Weile und ich kann sie für mich nicht beantworten.
Ich bin 30 geworden, habe einen guten Job, eine langjährige Beziehung und wohne in einem Haus, das uns gehört. Anders als bei anderen Frauen war in Kinder zu haben nie “mein Traum”. Ich bin nicht unbedingt ein mütterlicher Typ und kriege keine Herzchen in die Augen, sobald ich Kinder sehe.
Mein Partner hingegen wollte immer Kinder. Anfangs war ich davon nicht so angetan aber mit den Jahren fand ich die Vorstellung ganz schön. Meine Familie steht mir sehr nahe und in gewisser Weise sehne ich mich nach etwas “Bedeutsamen” im Leben.
In der Theorie klingt das alles ganz gut aber wenn es darum geht tatsächlich schwanger zu werden. Steigt die Panik in mir auf. Ich habe Angst vor den körperlichen Beschwerden und vor Hormonen, die verrückt spielen. Ich bin grundsätzlich ein nachdenklicher und besorgter Typ und habe Angst, dass das noch schlimmer wird. Ich habe Angst vor den Schmerzen der Geburt, vor der Schlaflosigkeit als Mutter. Davor als Partnerin und Mutter nicht gut genug zu sein und mit den Veränderungen meines Körpers nicht klar zu kommen. Und und und…
Ich frage mich, ob mir diese Sorgen signalisieren, dass ich nicht bereit bin? Oder ob das einfach dazu gehört? Wie gesagt, bin ich über 30 und möchte diese Entscheidung nicht ewig aufschieben. Woher weiß ich, dass ich bereit bin oder es doch ganz lassen sollte?
(3 votes)
Loading...
These fears and worries are totally normal, which I had even though I had a strong desire for children. If he’s there, maybe you can just look over it more easily.
It’s not bad not to want children. But if you play with the thought, but you are not sure, you will always find reasons and uncertainties why it is not right now. The fear will not be able to take you completely. And as with many in life, you will have to let it come to you when you decide to do it. If you think the step is the right one for you, I would encourage you to go. 🙂
Thank you for your answer. I think it’s all right not to want children. It wasn’t an option for me for a long time. But am I really sure what to want? I can answer that hard. In some moments I find the thought wonderful, in others the panic catches me. I am, in principle, a person who doubts and thinks a lot. This decision is not just about me, so I don’t want to make it easy.
That is also very reasonable. If you can’t decide, at the same time you’re open to it, but don’t feel ready, let your partner get you safe. As I said, the decision concerns you both, no matter how it is.
Mei. What do you mean?
I never wanted children because of my youth experience. I’d bet both legs and arms that I’m not gonna get one.
Little children and babies were a tomb I could get zero comma zero what to do with it.
Then my husband entered my life. One standing behind me like a rock and still standing. I didn’t know what was coming from the belly.
I made it happen. Child 1 was born and the year on it was the second.
A mother grows with her child 😉 and what I didn’t know as a mother or was insecure to me then knew my husband. He as a father is just as important in a child’s life as the mother.
The bad thing about parenthood is NOT the sometimes unobstructed apartment that you keep lunch with the child and let the household be household or that the figure can wait for itself or even weeks in the jogging suit but the people in the environment, who put home-high demands on the mother, parents and the child.
Those who burst into the door, hit one for the ears, what you do wrong, then evaporate back to the door and leave one as a helpless, insecure being.
No sleepless night or 10 kilos too much are as bad as mothers, who are each other, what must be.
Unfortunately, some friends have already told me that. How many people are unquestioned and want to give a bad feeling…. That’s really horrible.
It’s nice to hear that women tick similar and aren’t “exposed” to be a mother. I sometimes had the impression with me something is wrong.
You know, it’s not important what we say or mean. What’s important is how you and your husband wupp the kids.
That you can trust each other and you know that he’s behind you, no matter how exhausting things may be.
Don’t look as a single fighter or you need to be the perfect mother or woman. You’re a team. And if that has a stable basis(and so it makes the appearance) then you create it together.
I often felt like the last honk. We had neither parents nor parents to support.
We were and are a great team and if I once again no longer knew where my head is, I had a wonderful family doctor who had to bog me the pear again and put some illusions on the ground (aka ideas of society as mothers);-)
Children don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who care, give them what they need (but not always what they want – later;-)) and educate the child. With rules, borders and love and care
And this together on a string.
The whole problem is that this “woman does child + household” system comes from a time when women/mothers did not work.
The blasphemy “super” masks also have the same problem and are also regularly fixed and finished. But they don’t grab it if someone doesn’t take this stress.
that’s how it can and may be.
No, you’re going to have a drink with the ladies this week.
Have you ever thought about a therapy? Seriously without child thought?
It’s a long time to think dead. Whether with or without children
My partner is much more relaxed than me. He is generally someone who makes things come up and finds solutions when it is ready. I’m an absolute thief, and I’m going back and forth every worry in my head. We have a great relationship. Having a family is for him the greatest and he has signaled me every time to give everything for it.
I’m getting 30 so slow, but I’m sure I’m gonna get a shot. What if the relationship doesn’t hold? I can’t find anyone anymore and have to stay alone. If we separate, I need an apartment, but love our house so much. He wants to have a drink with his colleagues. And I think what if we have a child? Am I all alone? He doesn’t do this all the time and the situation would be quite different. Somehow my head just plays crazy…
These are concerns that everyone has before any change.
The question is more how long can I have my life without children? When is it actually too late for this decision not to be responsible for my life anymore.
Unfortunately, there is little talk about it. In my environment, children are always only associated with joy, no one speaks about the other side and then you get the feeling that it is up to you.
The joy also prevails when you have your own children.
Even if I’m going on vacation, I’ve got a lot to do before, an exhausting approach.
Unfortunately, no one can help you with the decision.
You’re the one who needs to live with the decision.
It’s good that you take this question seriously. She has a tremendous influence on your future life.
Take your time. If you have any doubts that outweigh your desire, you should not overthrow anything. Otherwise, you may end up frustrating unnecessarily. You have every right to take as much time as you need for the decision. But you should both be honest with each other so that your different expectations do not harm your relationship.
Whoever has such thoughts should not be ripe for it. It’s all so negative. I have friends who pushed the child because they wanted to get better economically and then it didn’t work anymore. The friend then lost his wife much too early a few years ago, now he is mid-60 and almost alone, he is not happy with it.
If your LG always wanted kids, but it feels wrong for you, that he will separate from you in the future. It happens so often, only the “true” for him must appear in life.
I also had friends where there were kids anyway, although one didn’t want to. This marriage has also failed.
What I want to say, talk to your partner about how you feel about the thought and how important he is children. This is a life decision that we can only solve together
Unfortunately, that I often see things negative and focus on concerns is one of my weaknesses. My partner always says I should focus more on positive things and not make life hard for myself. But some habits are difficult to lay down.
I haven’t thought of wanting children for a long time. This has changed. The thought of it feels so “new” for me. Maybe I just need time to get involved and I need to deal with the subject intensively.
When I became a father, we just wanted to know. My wife took the pill for a long time, so we thought it could take a lot until it works. You think so. It worked right away and that was right. Everything. Today we are almost 50 years old and almost 40 years married. Our son lives with his LG,they’re a bit younger than him, so it’ll take a little while until the two want to decide for children. I hope I’ll get this…
With me it was the moment when my female doctor told me I was pregnant. Prepare for the party life and for the seriousness of living.
How did you do that? Did it feel right at once or was it hard?
It was hard, but there was no other way for me. Not even the overthrow.
Hello
Behave with children and ask if you can be there for 20 years, for one (or more) so.
That’s all
Your body changes like that or something, you get older. And I wouldn’t be afraid of the hormones. Is hardly a year and should support your pregnancy
The birth is only a few hours.
Having a child is much longer complicated than short pregnancy.
LG
The question is incredibly difficult to answer, because you don’t even know what to do. Some of them go up completely in their mother role and others do hard. How do I know what part to do with me?
Isn’t the same, but do you have plants in your apartment?
How are they? Do they thrive or maybe they go in?
It’s a bit similar to plants, just of course a little more intense.
So if you had any problems with plants, I think I’d try it better first. Or to do you an animal. I mean, there are some who live short.
A bottle or something. And you’ll take care of him until he leaves.
Never, never. Even if the child is there, one always doubts oneself, although one does not want to miss it.
You should talk much more about that. I always feel that others do not fight with such worries or not as much as I do.
We live unfortunately in a perfect Instagram appearance, there are no problems, we earn all 10000€ net per month, drive constantly on vacation and make #Selfcare and the apartment is of course always flashy clean. Oh yes, we do not have a picture book relationship and complications in pregnancy. Speaking of the way, you get pregnant at once.
That’s the other extreme.
That’s how it’s… Except for pregnancy complications, I only hear horror stories and have the feeling one wants to overrun the other because it was even harder.
I was similar to you.
At your age, I didn’t even think about children. By the middle of thirty, I simply had no child’s wish and was not sure to have children at all at some point.
I wouldn’t want my life in the world to be different, let alone children. I was absolutely not willing to accept slight heart constraints and take responsibility for another person.
Even in multi-year, stable relationships, I had no desire for children.
Then I got to know my husband with the middle 30, got married and became happy mother after a miscarriage with 37 and 39.
We had chosen ourselves as a suitable partner of life and, as it were from the serene sky, the wish was quite fast with both of us, children simply have a logical consequence of the relationship without weighing on pros and contra, and we were sure to be able to “stemme” a child physically, psychologically, financially, partnershipally and life-planerically.
Not his wish for children was decisive for my change, but my desire for children was precisely with this partner.
Pregnancy and birth always mean a time of change and that is equal to several levels. Almost every (becoming) mother feels here and there overwhelmed and her head is often full of thought.
But I don’t know where to apply the measuring bar to be able to distinguish between “normal” concerns before pregnancy/mothership and clear signals, (still) not to be ready.
30 is not the end of the bar – give you some time.
Happy for you!
Thank you for your answer. Nice to hear that there are women who feel similar or have felt. In my environment, everyone is very euphoric when it comes to children and worry is rarely spoken.
30 is kind of a house number where you can quickly get insecure. At least that’s how I… I always wanted to make the decision for or against children conscious and not to let them decide that I wait too long. That’s why I’m making my own pressure clearer. Many thoughts are already designed for children but the step to say “now we try it active” feels quite strange.
7 months ago I released a son. I’m 30. I thought I was super ready for everything. House purchased, job indefinite, training. Everything behind me .. tja what should I say, you can’t be ready for it. You have to grow in. Presentation and reality are two different things. Yes I’m tired, yes I’m exhausted. My son was a schreibaby (13 h a day only screamed the first weeks). Yeah, I’ve been crying like a lock dog. Did everything ask if it was right to become a mother, have seen me as a bad mother, have suddenly had fear of existence. But you know. Time is beautiful. Now he discovers everything, crawls. I’m going to the playground every day, swimming every week. It’s beautiful, and if you get used to the few sleep, it’s half as bad. You always have to think: it’s just a phase.
Being mom is the most beautiful thing you can be.
I think it’s so hard for me because I can feel the negative emotions very well. Having suffered partly from sleep disorders, feeling overwhelmed and unsure, grumbling a lot… But to be a mother to the beautiful sides of it, I cannot imagine, because I have experienced nothing comparable.
Exactly. You have nothing like that. And you’ll never have that if you don’t get a kid. It’s unique. My son looks like me 1:1.
You’re never ready, or it’s always different than you imagine.
I can only pass on what mothers told me in parental conversations but no one could say ‘jep, that’s exactly how I imagined it. Then and then that happens and that, then the birth is and from there I know exactly what I have to do. But this is also exactly what makes it exciting, all these small details and unpredictability. And in the end, you have a little person that is totally unique that you’re worried about, with which you experience super much, good and bad. And you also learn about it again and again, come into contact with topics that you would never come to yourself because your child eventually develops its own interests.
I think it’s good for you to be so reflected. Unfortunately, there are still much too many parents who don’t see their children like independent people, but rather as a hobby what you’re thinking if you have boredom, or who only have a child because they think it would save the relationship.
In my environment, it has actually been either an accident, and then you simply decided to keep it and see where the trip goes, or you had the desire for it all the time and then actively tried to get pregnant.
I don’t think that anyone felt like an accident or a wish, but you were so in love with the first positive test that it didn’t matter. And the doubts go on, you will actually be afraid for your life that you have done something wrong or not enough for child/partner, no matter how old the child is (so if you are a good mother). As I said, not all parents have such thoughts…).
If you’re interested in it, it’s probably something you’re talking to your partner. Any adoption or surrogate in question? If no, how good would he help you during pregnancy? Who goes in parenthood, who cares for the child if you both want to go out, etc. Maybe you’re calming down the logistical aspects.
Otherwise, I remembered that you could get sick or die so hard, you can never know before and how bad things will hit you (so because you spoke of later fears and insomnia, etc.) and whether you live tomorrow.
Ultimately, it’s your choice. Personally, I never want children and like to talk to other people;)
Thank you. That was always very important to me to make this decision conscious. This is the advantage of thinking and reflecting a lot, the disadvantage is that I really play through every concern in me.
So far we have never discussed the subject so concretely and somehow I am also afraid to address it, as it becomes so “real”. Maybe it would actually help me
You don’t really miss something. So slowly you let the thought that a child could belong to your perfect existence, what if?
A child is not a piece of furniture, it changes your thinking, your whole life. You’re right to think about whether you’re ready for it.
The theory works here. Keep pushing this decision. Give yourself a little loan. Go to practice, get a baby or a toddler. Take responsibility for some time.
Only you can feel if something changes in you. You can become a good mother and grow into the duties that the child promotes and loves. Precautionary women make it hard, they are planners and want to know the risks. But I can’t. We do not know our child, even if it is the intended child, it can develop in a direction we reject or do not want…and vice versa.
It’s like a slide, a mother said to me. You stand up and look carefully down. Do I make a belly landing or do I slide down gently? Do I find that slipping wonderful and wants to go again?
In the meantime, she has two children. Sometimes there are good times spanned. It just happened to her. She didn’t regret it.
You know what, she said to me, the next cruise we’re going to third…
You’re ready for NIE.
Just ask if you want to be a mother or not.
Set 1 – maybe
Set 2 – hallo?
I want to be king. Does that mean that it’s good when I’m king?
It’s like that with parenthood.
You have to dare to judge correctly. And so guess that you can take good care of the child, for his well-being, even if your own is likely to suffer more often
Sorry, but that belongs to the mother (or father) want to be. You don’t know what’s going on.
It is clear that she thinks in detail.
You can see that. But if everyone understands that? It’s important that you make your tips clear.
There are enough parents who simply want to be parents (e.g. often because they don’t feel used/loved), and don’t think about whether they do something good with the world or their children.
What you understand does not have to be self-evident for everyone
This is also the only important and included, as I said above, everything else.
Right.
This as the only set, with the word “only”, signals me as if it were the only important. This is not only about your own well-being, but above all about taking care of another being over many years. Sometimes at the expense of your own well-being.
You criticized the following statement.
That’s the point. That was my concern?
If he also takes over the parental period, the hobbies are child-friendly, then he changes his job to part-time, and if the child gets sick (because that’s what the mother has so far dominated),
then for you “only” still pregnancy and breastfeeding. You can arrange yourself like that. Is he aware?
He would do that right away. I just don’t think that’s right for me. If I have a child in my abdomen for 9 months and build up this bond, I could not imagine going back to work again, but I would also like to take on the role. So in the direction “Ganz or not at all”…
It’s natural. Like I said, the physical is going on. The next min. 16 years of having someone “on the back”, to whom you have to clean up and teach everything, you have to be sure. The A and O is that your partner will take part, and not 3x a week to football and every Saturday with the guys on tour.
Please don’t touch the child! Better get a pet.
What can I do to the child?
Being his mother.
Why? Just because you have worries and fears and deal with it openly? I therefore think that I can make a basis for weighing up decisions and go much more responsibly with the subject than many other people.
All the physical ones have put other women behind you, you’re making it worse than it is.
What is decisive is you will be ready to return your needs for a child. As a mother, you don’t think about yourself anymore but about his child.
And the fathers have to, otherwise the divorce is pre-programmed.
In fact, it is possible to think of both himself and his child.
Just as it is shown in the media, you get tricked and wonder if you can make it physically…
Oh? Nope. Even as a mother, you are still a woman
You misunderstood me, of course you’re still a woman. But “Party all the time” and other habits are then no longer possible.
This is true;-)
Long speech – short sense.
Once a woman wants a child – not only theoretical – she is ready to become a mother.
Whether it makes sense to have other concerns in their situation, to advise them, etc. does not matter to women.
What if you are a person who is worried and grunting a lot? Then it’s not that easy.
Then the decision for a child is obviously not finally taken, then it is not ready.