Wie findet ihr mein Poesie? (gerne könnt ihr Verbesserungsvorschläge machen)?
Auf Erden wirst du keinen Elenderen finden, als den Liebenden,
auch wenn die Lust für ihn einen süßen Geschmack hat.
Du siehst wie er dauerhaft weint,
aus Angst vor Trennung oder aufgrund von Sehnsucht.
Er weint, wenn sie sich entfernen, aus Sehnsucht nach ihnen
und weint, wenn sie sich ihm nähern, aus Angst vor Trennung.
Sein Auge erhitzt sich bei der Trennung
und sein Auge erhitzt sich beim Treffen.
(1 votes)
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I like all the confrontations with separation and longing/meeting. I think that the eye “heats” sounds a little strange, but that is, I believe, a very subjective perception.
Otherwise I find the poem very successful! 🙂
Thank you.
The basic idea is comprehensible. It’s good to contrast.
Who is “they” in V. 5? Slate image: “heated eye”. “Permanently weeping”: too unpoetically formulated, also strak exaggerated, reached the crust.
Overall there is no formation. They’re just a pair of Prosa kits. No rhythm, no sound. Sounds like a prosa translation of a poem from a foreign language.
Would you have suggested improvements?
In my comments, there are possibilities for improvement. Try it. It’s good you want to increase.
Stylistically, it is not consistent and also not beautiful. It doesn’t read smoothly.
Questions to me:
What pleasure?
Who is “belong” ?
Why do you cry when you approach?
How “heated” an eye?
With pleasure is meant here all the beautiful feelings that trigger love in the lovers.
with longing for them I mean the desire of the lover to be united together with the beloved.
When he is united with the beloved one, a new fear begins; Lost.
in the sense of he weeps
Why don’t you write “Sense”?
Then it would be “after her” correct and not “after them”
This is illogical and 1000 in love couples have no fear of losing when they are together.
Why don’t you write: “he cries” ?
The text is unfortunately too cheesy with inappropriate word choice. You better not publish it. But for you private – if you feel that way – you should write further.