What do you think of my poem about camping?
I wrote this about our Whitsun vacation. And should I show it to my German teacher?
Camping
We sit by the fire, dodging the sparks
Is there nothing more beautiful than that?
Out into nature, into the forest
Below me the damp grass.
The shadows dance through the tent,
My brother is looking for the power bank,
I stare into the dark world,
The sky black and sparkling clear.
The next morning, everyone yawns
the limbs stretch wearily.
My friend combs the tangled strands,
I smell the soft lilac.
Quickly to the lake, we want to swim,
the water is still ice cold.
And at lunchtime we pick up
Sour snakes, they just taste good.
In the evening there is a nice fire
Potatoes wrapped in aluminum foil,
Damn, where is the salt shaker now?
Oh, there's a frog sitting on it croaking.
(3 votes)
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It’s not bad for your age. There are good places.
I used to write poems and I like to write poems the number of syllables is always written provisionally on the edge so that I then know where I may have to add or delete a syllable, so that it sounds good when speaking.
I’d recommend that. Because it is definitely not good (for my taste), if reimposing verses differ in number by an odd number. So if a verse has, for example, 10 syllables, the reimposing verse should also have a straight number. Of course the same or two more/less.
Try to revise this note again. Then there would be a lot of potential up 🙂
In general, I can also recommend Reimlexika, which is often available on the Internet.
for example:
Reimlexikon
Reimlexikon der Lyrikecke – fast to the best reim
Thank you. I’ll try it. And also thanks for your compliment, that was super nice! ☀️☀️☀️
Thank you for the ⭐
Not bad for the start. Some things could be improved. It’s a good fragment. Goethe wouldn’t let it go to the public like this, but soon, who wants to become a master… 🙂
Thank you.
Very nice!
Maybe you can get rid of the flapping metrum in the penultimate line?
And “quakt” is certainly nicer than a more fitting rhyme – like “k.ckt”.
😉
You have talent. Your German teacher will be happy about this great poem!
Greeting, earnest
Okay, I’ll show it to her and yes, quak is the best thing I remembered 😄
One more question, I can make it:
Shit, where’s the salt of the strays?
Great!
Then the Metrum is right.
And maybe you’re gonna make your frog “squake”? Then you packed it.
😉
I find your poem really good for your age that with the Powerbank I even found funny. Go on so I think that you will definitely write better and qualitative poems in the middle class, because in German teaching there is talk about the correct compositions of a poem and analysis of great artists.
You can show her if you want. Do you have to blame yourself for what you promise?
It’s a useful poem. An interesting mixture of descriptions of events and associations with tents in natural/romantic elements.
Because she’s my favorite teacher and we can show her poems and stories when we write them. But I just want to show her what’s good so she likes that too 😁
Well, in some places, the reading flow is a bit bumpy, but overall it’s okay, yeah. Especially also because of the interesting mix of different elements.
12 years young?! Really? very good is your poem!
I have expanded it a bit; I like to keep the rhythm and sound and to break it consciously. You may even like it:
CELGIUM
In the evening we sit at the fire,
the sparks we turn out. –
Is there anything beautiful than that?
Tags in the curling forest,
also on the meadows!
At night the wet grass. //
The shadows dance through the tent,
My brother is looking for the Powerbank.
I stare into the wide world,
the sky black, but flashy. //
The next morning all the bodies gähnen,
the many members are tired.
My girlfriend’s combing the silly streaks,
I smell awake on the gentle lilac.
Get to the lake! We want to bathe.
But his water is still too cold.
At noon we go to the store
sour snakes, because they taste. //
In the evening hot in Fire
the potatoes are packed in alu film.
Shit, where’s the salt? The Scatter? –
A frog, oh see!
Oha cool you changed it quite nicely, but then somehow not! I think it’s cool!
Thank you. You have grasped your thoughts and words in relatively free rhythms, lines and verses, which gives the poem its power. Almost the frog on the salt shaker is too little “finals”. Do not have to burn the tent because of a wind blow through the fire suddenly and you will quickly extinguish it again because there are water nearby. But don’t build a tragedy, because your poem flies to lightness, so let it fly even more! In the night sky up to the stars! – Make exactly delimitable parts and connect them with spiritual bridges – so contents and let them fly away – into the mysterious end! – Maybe you don’t even tent, but dream of tenting, wish you a tent weekend?! Let the longing feel!
Suggestions are good, but in the end it must have your own personal touch, because everyone has a different style. This now easy to copy and then give to your teacher I wouldn’t feel good 😉
…was unclear: The publication of a text in the e-book format does not cost anything (free). The buyer pays for the e-book €0.99 to the publisher, approx. 40 cents (margin, Tantiemen) of which are transferred from BoD to my account, am an independent entrepreneur, so this is registered as a freelance (= business tax-free) activity at the tax office and is registered with its own income-output accounting for the annual tax return.
There are no free-compressible reading samples, since my youth, NIEMALS has been volunteering because I consider this to be a crime of the rich rulers in our society especially to people who are socially active – from the voluntary fire service to the mountain station to the table e.V. Social work on people must be as cheap as possible; it is worth nothing because it is only a service with the lowest productivity.
ABER here is a published sample short poem (/=line separation, //=line separation):
At the sea (Aug. 1985) //
The waves / weigh in the wind –
Foaming / their crowns / white //
Your soft tongues / bald glittering / blue /
against huge raue / shore rocks //
and splintering / last time / out-catching / mut //
< Write centered, then the "white" and "blue" appear; my secret "white-blue" for Bavaria: The poem was written on the so-called bayer. Sea, the Chiemsee, written. Greetings!
Oh, that’s great! I am really happy 😊 As far as I am not with my knowledge that there are such possibilities. Bzw. hasn’t remembered such ideas yet.
What do you mean?
Is that free or do you deserve anything?
In any case, I wish you a lot of success. Is there a sample on the Internet? 🙂
Yeah, right. However, a new member of my current literary circle brought me to the idea of selling individual poems in the BoD-Selfverlag for free as independent e-books at €0.99 per “Book”. Everyone thought it was nonsense. As always, I am an entrepreneur: For cover design I use free canva.com. The first two, one with my real name, one with my French female pseudonym, are in circulation; See how they sell… hihihi.
Yeah, I understand. But I think it would be much more difficult today to make money.
Because only on the Internet are very many poems published that are freely accessible. There are some pages that specialize in “self-written” texts. You can also get tips and get a lot of help.
You can. I become 61 years young next month, so I have already been allowed to publish aphoristic distiches in the 1970s: for example, you believe in God only in need, but you are lucky, you believe him dead.
Lyric books usually sell badly without readings, so I repeatedly founded literary reading circles, somehow (freelance) designed my poetry books, wore up and sold them by a friendly book retailer (commercial). This is just a possible way.
How and where did you sell poems? Isn’t that an “official”? 😉
Right. And if she develops her poem so far, then…
Very good! Maybe you sing your sentences, let the words sound in the air, see how you breathe, see when there has to be breaks and when you don’t want them. That’s what they’re doing. Keep going like this! (PS: I can only sell my first poems at 14 years.)
Too much tragedy is not always good.
This sometimes only hurts the cheerful mind.
Dangerous is the fire Glut,
But I think it’s better if nature blossoms.
😊
No, I give her my own in any case, first I change it and then I write it better and then she gets it!
So for your age, it’s really not bad. You can show that.
A beautiful poem that also ends humorous = super 👍