What do you think of this text excerpt?
It's part of a fantasy story I'm currently writing, and it's not edited yet, so yeah…
Distant laughter and yelling filled Joh's ears as he rode his horse down the narrow street. The village of Rivercall was very small, probably home to no more than 100 people, yet it still had a noble, sublime air. Strange as it may sound, Joh found it downright arrogant. Luckily I won't be staying here too long , he thought, rubbing his hands, stiff from the cold, then rode towards the first group of houses. Almost everyone in the village was asleep; it was pitch black, only the distant glow of a tavern window illuminated the dusty street. The laughter and yelling grew louder as he rode towards the inn. He stopped in front of the building, jumped off his horse, tied it to a post, and went in. After the bitter cold, the interior felt wonderful. The air was stuffy and steamy. Considering the hour, there were surprisingly many people still in the tavern. Men, women, and even a few children laughed at jokes or danced to the music. Joh walked up to the bar and took off his leather gloves.
PS: I am 13
(6 votes)
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Dear Eortner
I really find the text very good. I could imagine everything visually, am surprised that without revising the text is already so good! Without revision, my not to use 🙈😅
The only thing I can expose is a few grammatical errors and logic errors that others have mentioned.
Here are the grammatical errors that have occurred to me on the quick:
-Green with H
Correction: As strange it may sound,
Don’t bother me, but you could make a point in between. So…
Otherwise I find well written!
All the best
-Wannabeauthor
Uii, thank you for all the nice compliments! That just made me feel like the other answers weren’t so positive…
Don’t worry. Finally, you haven’t changed yet and you have no idea who’s sitting at the other end…I think it’s great:)
Sure.
Thank you for the ⭐
😊
It’s good for 13.
Thank you.
It was dull– just the far lights…
How could Joh see that the village radiated something superb? It sounds a little illogical or contradictory. I think you should try to resolve this contradiction. Also semantically, “exude” does not fit “stock dark”. The village is not the moon and no star.
But apart from that, I think it has a good approach. Go on!
The next time, you should only set a revised version, as spelling errors can create a worse impression that has nothing to do with the content of the book.
It’s not the mega literature now, but very nice for a certain clientele.
I find the text totally super! I would even like to read the whole book 😅☺️
you only have to work on the spelling and grammatics, and there might be some more details…
LG
It’s very well written.
The text can be read well and is well written. There are some mistakes regarding spelling and grammar and a small logic error
A place is only a village from a conscience (higher) number of people living there
The grammar and spelling errors have been named here.
Great!
There are plenty of commas and “great” needs a H.
How can a village in which it is dark, noble, raised and arrogant look? There is no justification and the whole thing is completely unplausible.
As a rider, his horse is carried on the rein, but he rubs his hands without mentioning that he gives the reins out of his hand. After that, you know he wears leather gloves. How could the hands be cold and why isn’t it mentioned that he had to put them on and off for warming up?
Apparently, the tavern is with its lights FERN, so far away, but in the nut it is at the tavern without any mention of the time required.
Okay, you’re right, I guess I have to take a little look…
Don’t worry about such comments, okay? I am 13 and I find that this is an extremely good performance. There are some mistakes, but that’s normal. Go on! If you need test readers, you can write to me 🙂
Go for it xD!
Thank you!😊
Who says that? The narrator? I can’t find the whole sentence. He rips the reader out of the river. In addition, the end of the sentence is not conclusive. Who’s arrogant? The village? It doesn’t seem logical to me. Villages are not arrogant. They are beautiful, noble, secret, poor or protty. But I have no idea how an arrogant village should look.
Overall, it doesn’t sound like a 13-year-old, but a lot more mature. You can handle words. There are a few passages I would write differently. But it’s not my story, and I’m not the author. You’re gonna be better.
Then put it in when it’s revised. So ‘Write error out, repetitions and info dumping away etc.
I find really good! I can imagine it right in front of my eyes
I find it really good (Grammatics have noticed others already, I don’t want to repeat that). I’d like to read the whole story.
I only noticed a contradiction that might be eliminated by small changes: The village is small, almost the whole village sleeps, but in the tavern are surprisingly many people. Either Joh had the impression that almost the whole village is asleep, or the people in the tavern are not from this village…