What do you think of this text?
Hi!
I've been working on this text for the last half hour and now I'm wondering what you think of it. Criticism is welcome!
A she-cat stepped out of the shadows. Her fur was pitch black, but her eyes glowed a piercing sapphire blue. She stood in a grotto whose rocky walls shimmered with a green-blue light. Her paws seemed to barely touch the ground as she ran down to a small pool. At the edge, shadows could be seen that turned out to be cats. The she-cat sat and waited quietly with her eyes closed. After a while, she opened them again and whispered, "If they want to survive, they have to listen to her." After these words, there was silence until a frail tom with matted, light gray fur stepped forward. Confused, he asked, "What do you mean, Sapphire Blossom? You don't want to put all the responsibility on her, do you? She's far too young!" He received no answer for a long time. "It has to be this way. If the Clans don't listen to her, they'll perish," breathed Sapphire Blossom. The old tomcat just stood there for a moment, thinking. "But how do you plan to convince her?" he asked. The black she-cat shook her head. "I don't know, but we have to find a way!" she suddenly hissed, frustrated.
And?
GLG
(3 votes)
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A kitten came out of the shadow. Her fur was black, but her eyes glowed in a shining sapphire blue. She stood in a grotto, of which Rock walls shimmered in a green-blue light. Your Paws barely seemed to touch the ground as they were to a small pond downhill. On the edge, there were shadows that dept as cats. The kitten sat down and waited quietly and with closed eyes. After a while she opened [no comma] they again and whispered: “If they want to survive, they must listen to them. ‘ After these words, silence prevailed until a fragile cat with [₩] felted, light gray fur. confused he asked: “What do you mean, sapphire blossom? You don’t want to give her all the responsibility? She is far too young!” He didn’t get a reply for a long time. [Proposal: For a long time he received no answer.] “It must be. If the Clans do not listen to them, they will go down,” Sapphire blossom. The old cat just stood there for a moment and thought. “But how do you want to convince them?” he asked. The black kitten shook his head. “I don’t know, but we have to find a way!” she suddenly felt frustrated.
It is not my genre (Warrior Cats?), but I find it well written!
Since I do not know the context, it may be that in the literal speech, you must be raised if you want to be buried.
Thank you. Yeah, it’s WarriorCats. No, they’re not being buried.
I find good! But I’d rather revise the spelling…
I’ve done it, daynke!
Okay!
The question arises, who? and she doesn’t react.
Well, the whole thing should be a kind of prologue to make curious
But there’s absolutely nothing going on out there, there’s gotta be a name.
Only the prologue doesn’t find anything. That wouldn’t be a conversation, but only one of them speaks. And it’s not like that in the excerpt.
P.S. Sending answers and greetings to the FS is not quite logical.
I don’t think that – just when it’s a prologue!
@Luisa423: Let this happen! 😁