Wie findet ihr diesen spontanen text?

It hit me very much, my soul was rabenbschwarz,feindlich and had given a hopeless atmosphere that tells a lot.

I find that sentence rather critical.

On the one hand, I find the description of my own soul as a ‘rabenblack’ not so successful. If someone else uses it as a metaphor, I’m still okay, but here it doesn’t tell me what you probably wanted to express.

The second part of the sentence is (sorry) simply completely aimless. Even if you change it in correct grammar and a somewhat more beautiful style (‘my soul had been given a hopeless atmosphere’) I still find it quite nothing meaningful.

Overall, I don’t know what the sentence is supposed to tell me and that’s not good. Because you can’t really create any mood and feel at the reader. That would be good, because in the next sentence, you’re talking about it.

But I see a light.

This light is presumably in contrast to the darkness that the person feels at the beginning… here it would be better for the reader to clarify the situation at the beginning, so as to make it better suddenly.

Nevertheless, HIer should stay in time form. You start writing in preteriority, then you suddenly change into the present. You should stay at a time… something happens to many people who just start writing… That’s a point I’m saying, “Even if you’re young, you can control it.” And it’s just a mistake that shouldn’t happen.

I would (but this is now high again, that I expect with 12 of you not to let the darkness fade.

Imagine a sun ray that breaks through a dark cloud cover… all of a sudden the dark world has been dipped into light. this is ultimately what you want for your character. And there is nothing (that would be much slower, more leisurely), but it is light.

I’m seeing the threat, my better half has been filled. In the lights are glowworms,in my case the butterflies(in the belly),I found(!).

Here I would say what I said about sentence 1… it is VERY lyrical, but enormously inaccurate. You can get MAL if you really have a scene (or if you write poems for me) but if you get a reader into such a scene, then it’s hard to orient yourself somewhere.

I don’t think the whole thing is perfectly formulated. As I said, you’re young, I don’t necessarily expect you to find the perfect word that you can use for ‘lost’. But ‘I’m meeting the threat’… I don’t really think I’m successful, I’m sorry.

The same with the ‘better half’ that is usually not filled, but it is actually the partner in person. if necessary, the place of the better half is filled… but you would have to write that too.

In fact, I would find it even better if you were simply swapping about ‘I meet my better half, threatfulness fills me.’ This is not ideally formulated in my eyes, but at least it would be appropriate for the words.

The next sentence is the same in my eyes…

‘In the lights are glowworms, in my case butterflies in my belly, I have found myself.’

In my eyes, this is a series of parts of the sentence that make little sense.
You talk about good aspects that can be addressed in a romantic scene. Light, brightness, sudden brightness when you find this one person, butterflies in the belly…

I think that you have a rough concept what you want to address and that also fits from content, but less of how you want it to the reader.

For if it has already become bright (two sets before), then in my eyes glow worms are completely obsolete. You wouldn’t see them anymore. Then glowworms also have a different metaphorical task than the butterflies in the abdomen.

And the ‘I’ve found myself’ falls for me also very much from heaven… then, however, I would rather go into the self and search for meaning of the person in advance, and DANN finds this partner and suddenly the own life makes sense. It is cleanly toxic if one considers it realistic, but it would make sense at least in the context of history.

Otherwise, leave the exclamation marks and, above all, leave the parentheses. Either you WILLST write the content (then without clip) or it is not important in your eyes, but then leave it completely.

The next sentences are okay… ‘It’s like a dream. A dream after which I am addicted I would divide into two sentences and I would put it to the end

Because through this addiction (this is again what I do not want to know from you) you give the whole positive thing a slightly dark, discreet negative touch. (Don’t be compelling… here I’d feel it like that).
As I said, I would put it to an end… in the last sentence, you have again this word problem ‘creating heat’… that’s not pretty in my eyes… because usually you reveal any mineral resources.

“The light masks itself behind the darkness, where since you, my dear?”.The anger has conquered the light, it has filled with the rejection and burst.I fall down in a deep black, emotional big hole, I hit it in the eye!I see a light!,but it breaks—…

Here I have problems to understand what you actually want… There’s literal speech… we have the bang that scares her, okay, but why does she say that? And is he suddenly gone? You could have said that to the reader somewhere… in general what happens through this bang.

After everything I know as a reader, it’s still bright and her lover is ahead of her. If something has changed, then please say that to the reader at least. Show him somehow (written) that the figure stands again alone and in the darkness.

If your figure falls, let them feel like the ground trembles and disappears under their feet, let them feel fear and despair instead of this enormously lyrical interpretation, in which I also do not know where to come back at once.

Otherwise… it falls into a deep black hole (not down… it just falls)

Then that with the eye as its own sentence (I would also formulate differently).

And I wouldn’t write that ‘break’. It’s small, but because of the mime on ‘light’ I would use a different term if the rhyme is not explicitly wanted.

And it was the moment you gave me my feelings.

And as I have scorned for you, you still hide your hatred from me.

In the first sentence, grammar is not correct (it was the moment when you answered my feelings. (if that’s what you want to say))

‘Gezorgen’ is not there and I wouldn’t use ‘habet’. (I don’t know if it’s pure typos, or not).

So to make it short:

I think you should think about ‘what I want to write’ at the beginning. You did that, you somehow have a love scene that is very exaggerated in my eyes, but at the same time it is possible to name the feelings of the person exactly… about the metaphors it is sometimes possible to find out what is actually happening, but also not throughout.

I mean, I think I understand what you wanted to do with the ‘time break’, but I’d tell you about it. Your figure can tell the whole thing from a later time as a reminder (in the sense of ‘I still know how I was then. Hopeless and abandoned I went through life without remembering what light and warmth are. But when I saw you, a ray of sunshine broke through the cloudy cloud cover and with it the colors of an entire world’) and then at the end draw their conclusion.

But then I would also go through it at the beginning and not the first sentence from the second boundary, because all that counts to the past (or you take the first sentence as ‘as it is now’ and puts the love scene in the past for it.

Otherwise… as I said… vocabulary is something that forms with time, for which I simply recommend to read, to look at what happens to synonyms and, if necessary, also to think about ‘what I want to express’ or ‘what a picture I want to see that the reader then has in front of you’

Because I wrote that a few times: You push the whole thing very much into lyrical stories and metaphors, sometimes as a reader I can only see what actually happens.
This sometimes also makes me even more aware that these lyrical ornaments suffer from small mistakes, which then also neglects the overall impression.

What I would advise you about this: do not try to concentrate too much on these lyrical aspects, but build a foundation, a story that (even if it may be short) is understandable for itself. And you can insert small bows and snares… but comprehensibility is going on.

Imagine it as if you were in school and write a job and you look more on a beautiful writing than on the content. Clearly, such ornaments (correct and especially also used dosed) can help to make a very good story from a good story or from an okay story a good one. The story in itself, which is under it, but also has to be solid, and I don’t see that in your scene completely, because as a reader, I never really know what to express here.

As I said, it’s a 10 minute thing, so I’ve spent more time with my feedback on it than you’re writing and you’re 12, since I really don’t expect perfection. But it should be understandable somewhere if you let it be based on metaphors and linguistic ornaments, then make sure they really fit or you let them out.

In any case, I found some good things on approaches… but it would have been better for me that you really would have exhausted these approaches and looked that you put them down in a meaningful order with story instead of taking one, and then one and another, and at the end you have an enormously high tower of semi-finished linguistic images behind which you can see the story (but it is complicated).

As I said… even if it was difficult in my eyes, it would be better to further expand the foundations and perhaps to write a text that really focuses on a more clear action and where you may be. also play a little with the emotions of the characters.

Here we have strong contrasts you suggest. But at least I had strong problems in putting myself into the character or that really the feelings are shown and awakened that could have been introduced into the scene well.

I definitely hope you’ll stick to it 🙂

All love and success 🙂