What do you think of this writing style?
They fought their way through the thicket and there was no sign of a human camp anywhere, but suddenly they spotted a dinosaur hunter emerging from the thicket!
The man, approximately 40 years old, was dragging a small forest dinosaur in a net across the ground. The dinosaur appeared to be stunned, so it offered no resistance.
"We'll get it"
Angelos whispered to the others.
Angelos quickly jumped out of the bushes and charged at the dinosaur hunter, promptly throwing him to the ground. Angelos held him firmly to the ground, and he could barely resist.
"Stop hunting the dinosaurs!"
Angelos said hatefully to the hunter.
Shortly after Angelos' heroic deed, Konstantina and Samuel also emerged and held the hunter down together with Angelos.
"Never! They belong to us now and we can do whatever we want with them ahahaha"
The hunter laughed with malice.
"Tell us what you know and nothing will happen to you!"
Konstantina said to the hunter almost demandingly.
"Ahahahaha, you think you've won, but you haven't…"
Spoke the hunter's malicious voice.
Suddenly, the three dinosaur rescuers were surrounded in a semicircle by six of the hunter's colleagues. They all pointed their rifles at Konstantina, Angelos, and Samuel and wouldn't have hesitated to shoot.
But suddenly, a blue-gray Utahraptor with light blue patterns on its back leaped from the side onto one of the hunters! Along with her packmates.
It was Lefki, who had been following the humans with her sisters the whole time.
They summarily and brutally killed the hunters and none of them could escape this fate.
What mistakes did I make and how well is it written overall?
(3 votes)
Loading...
I’m sorry, but I don’t like the style of writing. It’s very childish, or like a young boy.
I don’t want to stop you from writing, only through a lot of practice and experience you get better.
Which target group is it? Children, teenagers, adults? I guess for teenagers to young adults. If it is for small children, ignore my following remarks. By the way, these are not mean evil, only tips on how to improve it.
————
Avoid that. That sounds like stories parents tell children.
The observations are too… all-knowing. One wants to feel as part of the present in order to be able to immerse yourself in the story. That means not revealing things that tear you out. The guy just caught a dinosaur! You don’t stand nails running and make notes how old the man is and what technique he uses. What you pay attention to is whether the man is weak or strong, whether the dinosaur is still leaking or not, how sweat overflows the man is because he pulls a dino.
Too fast. You want to create adrenaline, but it’s as exciting as getting up from the sofa. There is no tension, action, the description of what he does right, what he feels at it. As the branches break under his feet, the man frightens himself, but not quickly enough comes away, as Angelo grabs him on the crunchy arm, tears around and transports him into the high grass with a strong impact. As the man instinctively tries to fight, but his anti-trust dies when he sees that he has no chance.
Sounds like someone’s next to the terminal board. You information the reader about his feelings, but you have to feel can.
What heroic act? Is there his personal fan girl who says it? It would be a hero’s act if he caught a baby falling out of the high house. He, however, attacked an older, exhausted man and pushed to the ground. What is heroic about it? It’s not even a performance.
Like a children’s book. Completely unrealistic. Ask your father how he would formulate it if someone wants to take away something that belongs to him that he worked hard.
“Ahahaha” completely avoid, such sounds no one says in real. Then write more “he laughed divine” or similar. Never insert sounds as a sound word in a novel. Instead of “snall,” they say, “it’s banged.” This is the difference between comic and book.
Avoid repetitions, just at beginnings.
Where did they get so fast? Have they been confessed? You don’t seem easy. Grades weren’t there, eye-catchers and they’re here. How do they do that?
Describe their arrival. Where do they come, run, ride them, etc, are they loud or quiet, cared or untreated, scary or harmless, … What does the protagonist feel when they arrive, how does he react? Is he angry, anxious, desperate; he makes himself ready to fight or looks like he can disappear…
How does he know? Describe how he comes to it. For example, the mimics of others.
You don’t notice him? How to overlook a complete pack? And how about six dinos fit on a single back?
Ookay? Nice info. That’s all. For a children’s book in order, but otherwise a description is missing. The action-loaded fight, the visualization what happens …
At the moment it seems more like the summary of a story.
Very good advice. I’ll take a lot of hearts, thank you.
To the Utahraptors: there were 3 and they jumped to 3 different hunters.
Excellent!
Wow, you’ve got to be with your rats. Respect.
Thank you. The questioner should speak to you holy, so a detailed ond professional assessment I am not used by GF! Quite obviously, you really understand something about literature!
More can a questioner not ask God.
Chapeau!
Thank you
Hmmm…
There are actually subtle similarities.
What similarities?
To be honest, I do not recognize any connection between this text and that of the FS.
It actually acts like a summary.
I’m just writing fanfictions. Must learn a lot.
Is your works already in the bookstore?
Just kept simple. As for vocabulary. “Sagen” I wouldn’t even use. There are much better ways to initiate a literal speech. Many haups, word repetitions and hardly adjectives. As a description of a scene for further elaboration completely ok, but not really interesting for the reader.
Only from the first section can you get a lot more out.
What’s the thicket? Which plants are there? How big, wide, old are these plants? What smell, hear and see the “you”? Who are you and how do you look? What weapons do they have? What do they feel and think while they (how long has it been?) strip through the area?
It should be noted that my story will be on Wattpad and I don’t think they like these intense descriptions.
The problem is that you don’t even walk the reader.
A short story is not described, but a focus is set.
If you write a scene in which a dialogue is the main element, then you should go with the reader with captivating feelings and interesting mimics and the surroundings. Here it is enough to “skiss” the surroundings. If, on the other hand, a person enjoys a view, it should be described more precisely and more “with-recognition”.
So it’s not about you writing everything exactly in the scene, but that you focus on it.
If the scene was above all an action scene, you had to make the fight more detailed, exciting and interesting.
When it comes to describing the island, the corresponding thicket must be described more.
When it comes to the performance of the characters, this one.
Just as you’re a pretty beginner, you shouldn’t overdo it. In the end, you’re trying to make everything perfect, and it just comes out of chewing.
Just set a focus for the beginning in every scene: consider what exactly you want to show with the scene and what their meaning is in the whole work of history. And then just try to put the focus well. With time you can set several. For example, two people can enjoy the view and conduct an interesting dialogue, but this is much more complicated.
A short story should also go beyond primary school level. What else did you leave? Almost every author wrote short stories. Hollow leg, Pratchett, King… Also on less than 100 pages you can tell with a tear.
You want to read short stories on Wattpad, not complete books. However, one wants to be carried along, no rough information.
Something that is absolutely not beautiful is word repetitions.
“They fought through the thicket.” “At once they were out of the thicket”…
In the next section, it is the word dinosaur.
Followed by Angelos…
And I would not write the laughter myself. Is that the one who laughs?
By the way, I find it wise to understand where everyone comes from. It begins with 1 person and a dino and ends with 3 villains, 3 good and more than 7 dinosaurs. @.@
There’s a lot going on.
As you say, show dont tell.
You tell everything, but don’t show it to the reader. An example: You say he is about 40 years old. Yeah, well, but that’s what the reader has to believe. Does he have white hair or wrinkles?
You want to experience as a reader? Even draw conclusions and not get all said, but shown.
But: good for the beginning, never give up.
Some spelling mistakes that I do not show up in detail now, you will find them yourself when you read carefully.
From this, no “style” can be seen in the sense. Triviale language, cumbersome adjectives and adverbs use, naive dialogue management.
lg up
Laugh.
Not suitable for children. But too little motivation gives rise to the bodilyness of the Jaeger AND too much fighting action for something with level, which would also make adult reading.
But can still come, and keep quiet. AND liés too, then you have pictures.
Dinosaurs AND people never lived at the same time. You can also play it on other planets or invent ufos. It’s imagination.
Miserably yes and 08/15 boring, sounds like teanie attempt on the topic exciting (it is zero).
The Sauriers do not call Walddinos