What could be wrong with me?

Dear community, I've written several times in the past that I'm just not doing well mentally. I've always felt depressed, always down, have no desire to do anything, etc.

I seem to have changed even more since October last year without even noticing. Friends have pointed this out to me.

I've apparently been mentally unstable since I was a little boy (12 years old). It began with a brutal childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.

I always had negative feelings. I didn't know what they were at the time. I just didn't want to live. I hated everything and everyone, had anger issues, anxiety, and was bullied.

The aggressive behavior disappeared in 2017 when my parents separated. But the negative feelings grew more and more intense. I became more and more of a quiet person, very withdrawn, didn't say anything about myself, never talked about emotions, and whenever someone asked me, everything was always "fine." However, it's still like that today. To describe my symptoms a little more:

I think about death every day and am basically just "counting" how long I can endure it.

I have a fear of physical contact. I can't touch anyone. The most I can do is shake hands, and that's very, very difficult for me. There's only one person in my life I can hug. And unfortunately, we hardly ever see each other anymore.

I have a panic fear of crowds, shopping in the supermarket is enough to make me forget everything around me and every single person is a sting in the eye and I just go outside so it doesn't get worse.

I had two nervous breakdowns at work within two weeks. Afterward, I was homebound for over a year.

These days, I start to cry out of nowhere, even though I'm not thinking about anything sad. It happens every third day, and sometimes I start crying for no apparent reason.

I injure myself in a way that I don't know anyone else does (in my circle of friends). I take very hot showers so that the water burns my skin.

I have barely felt any emotions for months, I no longer understand a lot of behavior and my empathy is also gone even though I am/was "extremely" empathetic.

I have difficulty maintaining friendships and am currently losing many.

I feel weak, no strength, no motivation, no stamina, no self-confidence, no self-assurance.

In general, I can't really trust anyone. Whenever I try to open up, it feels like I'm touching the trigger of a gun pointed at my head harder and harder with each letter.

And even more that I simply don't want to write anymore.

I've had these symptoms for about 6-10 years. They're getting worse and worse. Especially my heart palpitations are becoming more and more frequent, out of nowhere.

I've been to five therapists since 2018 and had problems with each one. Especially the last one, who literally said he was afraid of me.

I have problems talking to men in particular, and because I was hurt badly by a woman last year, I can't talk to women anymore.

I'm starting to feel a bit stuck for what to do. According to all five therapists, the following is suspected in my case, but never confirmed. Probably because I never stayed with one for long.

Moderate to severe depression, borderline personality disorder, ADHD, PTSD, and two said something between depression and borderline personality disorder. They said depression + borderline personality disorder + something weird in between.

A therapist said in 2018 that I was just a sad person.

Finally, a little about me: M23.

I'm happy to answer questions if you want to know anything else. Especially because I often forget to write things because I can never really concentrate.

I really don't know what to do anymore and I can't find a therapist.

** Perhaps it's also important to mention that I've been struggling with loneliness for a very long time. I have absolutely no one in my life. And I can't stand my own family. **