What can I do if my ex is using our child?
Hey you,
My ex and I have a child together and he was there at the birth and he also lived in my apartment for the first four weeks.
I wanted to separate for a long time and things weren't working out between us, but he did a 180 degree turn shortly before the birth and I naively thought he was serious.
He was given three weeks off work by his boss after the birth to support me. He used this time to gamble until late at night and have someone cook for him. I was feeling really bad and had to look after our daughter and my dogs on my own. I had to cook and shop and run the household on my own.
I had enough and when he then wanted me to put the little one down because he felt like cuddling but she had just fallen asleep, I lost my temper. He was jealous of our daughter and wanted to force his needs on me (I know being together is important too, but not when you're being used as an idiot for everything).
My actual problem is that since then he's seen the little one once a month at the most. I always went to him and asked constantly if he wanted to see her because he never said anything. He always wanted to spend the whole day with us and for me to cook, but then hardly noticed her, was on his phone and then always said how much he missed us. I assume that he just wants a relationship with me again and isn't interested in the little one.
However, whenever he sees her, he kisses her and acts like a great daddy, but gives her away again after 10 minutes because she's too heavy for him… he has no toys for her, no clothes… nothing… he doesn't even pay child support (it's been sorted out, he's being taken on… he's accumulating more debts).
He's always complaining about how much he misses us… but he hasn't contacted me for a month and a half now. The holidays are just around the corner, and a month and a half ago he said I had to come with her because he wanted to decorate and was alone anyway.
Can I just tell him no? That he has to come if he wants to see her?
Don't get me wrong.. I want her to have contact with her father because I think that's important.. but I'm really annoyed with him because he doesn't get that she doesn't recognize him and cries when he takes her because he hasn't seen her for so long (no interest from his side) but thinks he's the father and misses her so much.. I really want genuine interest.. but that's probably in vain.. but what do I have to put up with..
How long do I have to stay with him or allow him to stay with us? How often? What do I do if he doesn't want to leave?
He's dancing around on my nose and using the child as an excuse to spend time with me.
(No joint custody)
Sorry if this is all so confusing, I'll answer questions immediately if I need to explain something 🙂
(1 votes)
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I also read all the answers, so my answers are different from those of others.
I see two options:
Oh, and the holidays I’d spend as much as you like. He can choose any other TAg.
You don’t have to go to him and don’t cook for him, etc. If he wants to see her, he’ll come to you if you’re afraid that he won’t go outside and walk for a walk, then you can go when you get too colorful.
Yes, that’s true, but the problem he’s just taking her and dealing with her as if he’s seeing her regularly and pissing off when I tell him to slow down, he doesn’t care if she’s crying.
If the weather does not play, he can also sit with her in a café or push the stroller through a shopping mall.
He’ll get that. Don’t do that to your problem.
Then you go along as long as you don’t know how rain or snow it shouldn’t be a problem and otherwise there are other possibilities (see Tand0r’s suggestions).
it is also with my problem because I am with it, because I have my 8 months old daughter who has no connection with him not just left him alone.
Of course you don’t have to let him or him in your apartment.
He has a right of dealing with the child, not with you.
If he wants to see the child, he can walk with the child in the stroller.
Then get it for a few hours.
He can do it all without you.
That’s not so simple, that he has the right to change to her and not to me, but our daughter is now just about 8 months old and doesn’t know him as well, he doesn’t wrap her because he’s disgusting and doesn’t even know her size or what she can eat and what she can’t..
Then you take a 2-3 walk with him where he pushes the stroller, and after that he does it alone.
Your daughter will survive.
And during the 1-2 hour walk he doesn’t have to wrap them.
If he is not willing to do so, a longer handling until the daughter no longer needs diapers.
Just because your daughter’s on his way for 20 minutes, she’s not bathing. You have to let something go.
If you absolutely don’t trust him, you have to insist on accompanying handling. But the accompaniment is not you, but a strange person.
But they let that go so he’ll leave me alone?
this is not an option for me.
Maybe every time he comes, I have to have someone there so he can’t even get up.
But you know he won’t understand this right of dealing without you.
Maybe he’ll come one, two times in the hope that you’ll deal with him.
He’s on his way for 10 minutes with the stroller and his daughter. At the latest, if the daughter doesn’t get calm, he’ll come back.
But that’s exactly what I can’t do, he’s absolutely irresponsible, and I don’t want anything to happen to her, and, as she said, she has hardly any ties with him, I won’t give my daughter to a person alien to her.
That’s the problem, he’s not interested in your daughter.
That’s why your daughter has nothing from his visits.
So get out of the right to handle.
That’s exactly the problem if he wants to get back in touch with me and (his words) see us, he makes a daddy on top and doesn’t understand that she’s no property that has to hear and that the bond is automatic. leads to dispute and then I usually swallow everything down so that we don’t fight before her.
PS, a very good friend of mine sees her less often than he, but deals with her and goes to her speed that she is ready to “thaw up” and she is not a problem for my daughter and she does not cry when she takes her on her arm, just like my brother who rarely sees her but when he sees her, does not worry about her either.
So I’m already aware that you can build a bond over a period of time if you have real interest in the child and see it not only as “his” and assumes it only because you have witnessed it you have to know one too .. I think being in the father is more part of it, the rest is just producers.
And then your daughter doesn’t have anything to handle.
That’s a pity if he can’t afford it, but not change it.
He won’t be able to handle the child, so you don’t have to worry.
Yes the grandmothers and grandpas are also interested in the child where this works, as described above, he gives her short attention and is then on the phone. He has no real interest in her. he is not a person who wants to take responsibility. for me, in the next time, to let him see the little one alone.
The father can turn around at any time when the diapers are full.
There are always situations with a baby where the diaper has to change 20-30 minutes.
And of course, a child is able to build up this bond even with every few weeks. This also depends a lot on how the handover works.
Many grandmas and grandpas do this and that even though they may only see the grandchildren 2 times a year.
He may see her 1x a month and then it doesn’t matter if I go there 3 times if there’s no tie and she’s crying I won’t just give her to him, clearly she’ll survive that, but how should she trust me then that I just bring her to someone and let her cry.
for them he is a stranger, how should there be a bond that is possible if he only sees it so rarely?
and you have your own children? Shouldn’t be an attack, but if after 10 minutes the diaper is full and then even a big deal can’t be there for 1 to 2 hours?! I can’t know that she definitely won’t do that before.
I just want to know if someone has experience with it and what it is to be able to see it all day and then to sit here with me, or if it is possible to tell him that he has to go and also agreements take place early enough and if that is not the case whether I can reject it or get stress when I do it too often. Because if I have “only” 6 hours and he can see them, that is too little and that shifts.