Why can't I just stop doing this?

Good evening,

First of all: this is going to be long, sorry about that.

It all started three years ago. I had everything under control until a guy's ex blackmailed me with a few things so I would message her using a fake profile (she even lied about some things, like the reason for the breakup). So I signed up for Instagram again with a fake account. Over the last few days, I've been thinking hard about why I can't get away from these fake profiles in general. This is probably my seventh fake account. The result is that I'm dissatisfied with myself, and not just a little. I could almost say that I hate my appearance. I only like two things about myself: eyes and hair. As stupid as it may sound, I detest everything else about me. I was bullied for years at school and by my family. My boyfriend cheated on me back then, saying, "Be glad I was with you in the first place, given how I look." And even when I try to contact guys from my real account, it fails every time.

Anyway, back to the story: a few weeks later, after I registered there, I started talking to the guy, actually to find out how he'd met someone new or was he better off without her… A month later, we started messaging on WhatsApp. Now he's really wanting to finally see me. Of course, I want to see him too, but I know that's not possible because I'm not the person he thinks I am. I'm putting it off under the pretext that I find myself ugly and therefore think he will too. That's worked out well up until now, but now he finally wants to meet up. He's a lie: my name, looks, and background — and he's also someone who cares about looks. For example, he's very athletic, and I'm a bit "chubby" because of my hormonal condition, but not overweight. We had already discussed the topic and he said that if someone is overweight due to illness then it's a different matter but most people are too lazy and he also said that for example his ex gained 30 kilos but he still loved her. We have been writing to each other for 4 months and I want to confess everything to him in the hope that maybe he can forgive me and get to know the real me because he sometimes says himself "I don't even know what you look like, maybe you're fake." Or he once said that you can forgive anything except cheating and he has confessed a few lies to me but they were nothing compared to mine. It just gives me hope that he tells me that he likes me even though he doesn't know what I really look like or that I'm the first person he's told everything that's happened to him. But I also know that even though my personality and we get along really well in general, my looks are anything but his type. It's his right to find out who I really am, I really don't know what to do.

I also know that I have to expect to lose him or never be able to contact him again, and that I'll hurt him with the truth. I also know this is my fault, and I don't expect any sympathy. I've gotten myself into this mess. One thing is certain: I want to tell him. Does anyone have any tips on how I could do this? How I should deal with this? How I can stop this urge for fake profiles?