Dealing with abuse, or just sexual games from childhood?

Hello everyone,

Here's something that I have to get off my chest, probably after about 20 years, because it keeps bothering me and I don't really want to think about it anymore. Maybe this will help. I come from a more or less perfect family. I love my mom and my three siblings. But there's something in my head from my childhood. I can still see it all very clearly, but I don't know exactly how old I was. From what I remember, I estimate that I was 4 years old. My second brother was about 6 years older at the time, so 10. I don't even remember how it started, only that my brother would sometimes take me into his room and then want to do "THAT". Sometimes I was at his place and we were in his bed and he tickled me and then he took off my pants and touched my private area. In the end, he gave me oral sex – although you can't really call it that because I just know that I didn't know what he was doing. So I wasn't "satisfied" in the conventional way. I hope you understand what I mean. I kept laughing because it tickled, and I really just lay there and didn't think it was particularly strange. I didn't find it weird that he told me not to tell my mom; it was more like a funny secret between us. I just found it weird when my mom called for my brother outside and he would always get up in a panic and tell me to get dressed again.

One thing that has stuck in my mind is this one time when I was in his room and he said that I should either lick his foot, which of course I found really disgusting and then I said that I would rather do anything than that, and then he took out his penis and said that I should put it in my mouth. It's like an image in my head, I don't remember the surrounding details. I don't even remember if I actually did it in the end. I don't even know how it ended. I think he just stopped coming to me and that was it. At the time I didn't give it much thought to asking him when we would do it again or what was going on with it. So it kind of fizzled out.

That's why I've never told anyone. Actually, not until today, because it's been so long now and, well, when is the right moment to drop such a bombshell? Besides, I have a relatively good relationship with him these days. It's kind of awkward because when I see him now, it seems absurd. We never actually had sexual intercourse, as far as I can remember. I only see him very rarely because he lives far away and works a lot. Besides, I'd almost say I've more or less repressed the experience in the meantime. So, of course I remember it, but I don't think about it every day and every second. And when I do, I feel a little sick because, back then, it wasn't exactly "bad" for me, but now I feel very uncomfortable about it. Maybe he doesn't remember it either, or would try to deny it. As strange as it sounds, I only remember certain moments, not when and why the first time something like this happened, or when and where the last time it happened. Then I think, maybe I'm just imagining it all, when I can't even remember it exactly, just certain moments and scenarios. And why did I never tell anyone, or why did I find it weird? I only noticed it at some point and somehow figured it out. I don't want to come across as a liar who just wants attention. That's why I'd like to just put the topic behind me, but somehow it keeps coming back to me and then I just feel kind of… well, used and weird. Maybe someone has some tips for me on how to deal with it.