Trennung aus toxischer Ehe, auf einmal ist er der Super Vater?
Hallo zusammen
ich habe es geschafft und bin nun endlich getrennt. Allerdings ist es jetzt schlimmer wie in der Ehe. Er holt täglich unsere 21 Monate alte Tochter ab. Macht mit ihr tolle Unternehmungen wie schwimmen, streichelzoo, Kirmes , Parks , Spielplatz.
Mir ist der Umgang sehr wichtig und sie soll ihren Papa auch sehen, aber jeden Tag ist mir zu viel. Ich kann nichts mit ihr unternehmen da er sie ja immer hat und wenn er morgens schon mit ihr schwimmen war oder auf der Kirmes möchte ich sie mittags nicht noch mehr reizen aussetzen. Am Wochenende holt er sie morgens ab. Bringt mir die dann iwann mittags ( eigentlich schläft sie mittags auch noch) und ich habe dann 1 oder 2 Stunden Zeit um ihr Essen zu geben und dann holt er sie wieder ab. Ich finde dieses hin und her ist überhaupt nicht gut.
Natürlich habe ich ihn schon drauf angesprochen und ihm vorgeschlagen sie an bestimmten Tagen in der Woche abzuholen. Die Tage könnte er sich auch selber aussuchen. Ich habe an drei Tage insgesamt gedacht. Zwei in der Woche und am Wochenende einen ganzen Tag.
Damit für die kleine eine Struktur rein kommt.
Seine Antwort war: „Ich solle keinen Krieg anfangen und ihm die Kleine verbieten. Sie hat eine Struktur und das ist jeden Tag ihren Vater sehen“.
Meine anderen zwei Kinder leiden auch unter der Situation. Dazu kommt noch das ich extreme Angst vor ihn habe (wurde schon gewalttätig mir gegenüber).
Beim Anwalt war ich auch schon und den Brief bekommt er am Montag plus einen Termin beim Jugendamt habe ich auch schon gemacht allerdings ist der Termin erst nächstes Jahr. Solange müsse ich gute Miene zum bösen Spiel machen.
Aber ich merke das die kleine sehr schlecht und unruhig schläft. Sie ist Dauer müde.
Meine frage ist, da ich die Vermutung habe ( nicht nur ich) das er narzisstische Züge hat folgende
Ist es nur eine Phase die vorbei geht? Die einen sagen sobald er eine neue Zufuhr Quelle hat hört es auf.
er hat schon zwei Kinder zu dem einen wenig Kontakt ( sie ist erwachsen) und zu dem anderen gar keinen.
Oder wird es immer so weiter geben?
Ich weiß nicht mehr weiter
Tut mir leid für den langen text.
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Unfortunately, this is a very typical pattern in violent relationships that, especially after the separation, the children are instrumentalized to continue to exercise control over the mother. No one can foresee how this develops. It may be good that this is flattened after a while and he loses interest or becomes too exhausting to him, but I would not rely on it in your place.
Call the youth office again and describe the situation, especially that you notice that your daughter suffers from it and that he does not accept his suggestions and you fear an escalation when you pass your limits. The Youth Office must then also find a more time for you and find a way of dealing with you. Of course, the father has a right to handle, but you too. And that doesn’t just mean feeding the child and bringing him to bed. What you’re describing does not sound to the welfare of the child at all.
If the Youth Office does not get right on it, get a consultancy for domestic violence, which is available in many larger cities. Even if you have already solved yourself from the relationship, this is exactly the topics with which the consultants have experience – and if they contact you with the youth office, it is often much faster to reach something. Alternatively, you can also search for a family consultancy agency etc that supports you.
I wouldn’t do anything about your lawyer’s assessment alone, but I don’t share his assessment completely. I have received many such cases in terms of work, and especially when it comes to custody and management, your ex-husband can, of course, also well lead the argument that he has cared for the child for months, and you never take anything with him, but only designed leisure, which is true, because he has simply created these facts himself. So don’t just stop the situation and wait for more support, but also quietly, that doesn’t sound good to anyone of you as it is now!
Good luck!
I turned to the Caritas and wait for a call back for an appointment. I got the number from the youth office.
But that’s all about the right to change.
I didn’t think about the other option. I’ll call right there and hope I get an appointment there soon.
Yeah, that’s how I thought he could figure it out. Since he has the little one every day, and I’m mostly just in the morning.
thanks to
Oh, I know that.
It’s harassment! Grade narcissists can’t handle it at all when woman separates. And now he makes you a revenge life hard.
Is there anyone he would listen to (family, friends) who talks about it quietly?
I can understand your fear! But try to make you realize that Narzists in the inner actually have a tiny little ego. You’re much bigger!
Maybe you like to write me. I’m in a similar situation and I don’t know any good advice for you. But shared suffering…
Unfortunately he doesn’t listen to anyone. He can’t be told by anyone, and if you want to give him only one advice, he sees it directly as an attack. I sent you a friend’s request. I’d like to write. If we do, we will have one or the other good advice.
I didn’t get a request.
Now you should have got one
lg
The father is unemployed – or why does he have so much time?
Well, there you sit between the decision – the welfare of the child/survey on the one hand and “war with the father” on the other.
I have the impression that the father is less concerned with the welfare of the child than more about wiping you one and talizing you. Could that be?
Set the times of paternal care and pull it through. I wouldn’t even open the door to the child’s father outside the periods of care in order not to have to hold disputes. And if he gets too stubborn, I wouldn’t be afraid to call the police. You don’t have tolerate harassment.
He works. Always coming directly from work in the week.
My lawyer said I had to be quiet with the youth office right now. Otherwise, it could not go well for me. I would never forbid him to contact his child. The only thing I want is regulated times. And yes, others have the feeling that he wants to wipe me out.
Unfortunately, he still has enough power over me, just because of my fear.
When I had proposed this to him with the certain times, 24 messages came from him in 1 1/2 hours. Insults
I agree with your lawyer very much. Behavior is not reasonable.
I call his behavior Stalking. Collect it and show it. Court u. Police can make a ban on approach. This behaviour also brings negative points to him before the Youth Office. You should only be able to prove / document it.
I would also consider a move. And when he comes, you don’t have to be home. You know his times, don’t you? Do you have someone to accompany you when you come home?
think practical and be wise. Possible measures: change cell phone number, place ring of the apartment door…. change ==> reduce all possibilities to contact you and be as little as possible not alone when it comes to agreed dates and the child is allowed to pick up.
I’m afraid to do something wrong now because of the little one. He’s punished, he’s got something going on.
I really don’t think he could just get the little way completely, but you never should say.
My lawyer also said that when he ran outside the door, I should call the police. But it’s time to play the game, but my nerves are over. I can’t do that for three months.