Forbid daughter friendship?
My daughter is 14 and has been seeing a new friend for a few months now. She's a year older and lives around the corner. She also goes to the same school. My daughter has been bullied a lot and somehow can't assert herself.
I work full-time and live separately. My daughter takes care of the house after school, and now she sometimes forgets things, and it annoys me. She wants to meet up with her friend every day. Once, she was here in the living room and I didn't know; she'd just gotten home. My daughter left the milk on the table, which made me furious. I then said that I would soon forbid her from seeing her friend, and she came into the kitchen, said hello, and said she was leaving. My daughter blamed me, cried, and later went to her.
I have to admit that I don't like the friend either. She hasn't done anything bad or anything, but my daughter has changed because of her and is neglecting her responsibilities at home.
Should I forbid her from having this contact?
(3 votes)
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I would definitely not forbid her to handle her if she didn’t hurt her.
I was also bullied at the time and had no luck finding friends, that would have made me so much easier in life.
I would recommend you just let her have her own experiences, and yet I would suggest that it is important to you that she does not forget her duties at home.
In the end, it is always good to have a girlfriend, especially in difficult times as you described it.
I’m sorry you had to make such experiences. I have seen how bad this is and how bad it is. As a mother, I always felt helpless. Believe I’m probably afraid she’ll be disappointed in the end. That would be very bad for her because she likes this friend incredible. But thank you for your dear answer. I wish you all the best.
How about you get your household in your hands? Some people think they’re just getting kids to have a household help.
It’s not a problem if children take a few tasks and keep their own room clean. But as you write, it sounds like your daughter is your cleaning wife. And then she can’t even have friends because she doesn’t fulfill your duties efficiently enough or what?
Then just make a compromise, give her one or two tasks to fulfill her and then she can meet her friend. And for heaven’s sake overdo your duties or seek help. Transferring your tasks to your child is not a solution. At some point, the child pulls out and who does the household? You are currently dependent on the help of your own child.
She’s 14, you can clean up the table if you get something to eat after school and rinse the plate? Let’s get the garbage down or throw the laundry in the machine? You can also walk out with your dog, which you wanted so much so that he doesn’t get on the ground. I don’t want anything bad. I didn’t write exactly like that. I work until 8:00 in the evening.
I also work until 8:00 and then make the household, that is no reason not to do that. As I said, there is nothing at all about sending homework to his children. I did too. However, one should pay attention to the amount, one cannot expect a child to do 2-3 hours of household a day, so one does not even act as an average adult. However, letting go with the dog is right, I work with animals myself and find it good if children learn responsibility through pets. Especially since it is also important to learn what tasks are associated with the possession of an animal.
However, it is also important that you carry your own budget or do the larger part yourself. As a teenager, it seems as if you were just the free cleansing power. Especially if you don’t see what and how much parents do. Your child was probably never right to work, how should she know how exhausting your job is? What she sees through too much housework is a person who doesn’t want to work and puts everything on her. No good feeling. Imagine as a thank you for taking this job anyway, then you will also bend her to the handling of her best friend.
My mother had given me tons of work at the time, and this has led me to have everything in my first apartment and let me lie because I finally got rid of terror and felt “free”.
Actually, I didn’t want to answer any more on the subject, but because you took the time so detailed to answer, in a reasonable tone, I make an exception.
My question was from the wording a handle in the toilet, offers a lot of space to interpret, has it done on Reddit, I was written here. The comments here and also on Reddit yesterday I looked at my daughter and my son and they laughed loudly. Once I’m using GF at all, but also because of the answers I’ve got and the reactions.
I can calm you down, she doesn’t have to clean the apartment every day for 2-3 hours. That would be quite violent, then it would have to look terrible here and I somehow wouldn’t have my life under control. Put the plates in the sink, turn on the washing machine, bring the garbage down, takes 5 minutes. I mean, it must be in there, right? With my son, it worked, too, not traumatized by the way and would later visit me voluntarily in the nursing home. Little Punchline on the Reddit comments. And if I were such a horror mutti, he would probably have arrested me, he’s a cop.
I didn’t prohibit my daughter either. That I care so much about handling in a big city like Berlin, but it must be in it. Especially in the history. Would be very nice if this friend becomes a “real” girlfriend.
Apparently, I’ve triggered a lot of people with the question and remembered their own bad experiences. But seriously, people, I’m not “eure mother”. Please don’t transfer your trauma to me, I’m just a person who asked an admittedly badly formulated question and wanted to drain steam. And I think the therapy proposed to me could use a few better themselves. I’m not talking about you. “To raise daughter to slave” does not sound healthy.
In this sense, do it well.
I was also such a “bad influence” 🙂 my best friend was or is the child of a single mother.
just when you’re freshly friends, the girlfriend is more important than much else, and if it’s ONLY that she doesn’t do the milk in the refrigerator or forget to suck, then you should see it.
Surely you can and can you admonish her to think about next time, but forbid her to deal with the girlfriend? that could end up in a much worse catastrophe.
Lg, Nicki
The prohibition of their social contacts will not change the situation.
Is your daughter’s girlfriend a bad deal for your daughter? Does your daughter suffer under contact (will be bullied, kept small, exploited)? Will it be exposed to a danger (drugs, violence, crow views on politics/ religion, theft)?
If not, if it is really just about that your daughter (which is in teenage age, in the middle of puberty) here and since the household is somewhat neglected… then contact ban would be useless and would ultimately achieve exactly the opposite.
Nice and good, with 14 you can do some things in the house. Also independent. But not all. After all, you have school, you have to learn at home, and social contacts are important for development.
And, uh… you’re upset about a pack of milk? There would be worse.
I wrote the question in Rage yesterday and I would write it differently. There are no dangers in dealing with the girlfriend my daughter tells only positively and is also no type of things concealed. The phrase with the milk sounds totally exaggerated by me, would have written better that I am afraid that if she forgets things now, maybe the school could also neglect. My wish is that my daughter will get a better paid and less strenuous job later than I get.
Surely she should have friends so far, but she has had many bad experiences, is quiet and quiet and was always dropped by girlfriends at some point. Maybe that’s why I’m so suspicious about the new girlfriend.
Hi, it’s been almost a month…. but I just stumbled over here.
You wrote that your daughter had already had bad experiences, was dropped by friends.
According to my experience, it is more important to take advantage of the time and appreciate which one currently has with the current social contact. In my childhood/young, “more” social contacts never lasted long. With time I learned that there is an individual expiration date for every social contact/ friendship. They arise, one accompanies one another part of the path of life, one goes on separate own paths. Sometimes. Especially in the childhood phase/young phase (because personal development takes place rapidly and is heavily influenced by it).
Okay, that’s different. I’m a little calm.
Why don’t you write down here, maybe they can help, after all your daughter has experienced bullying, that can also have the following: http://www.bke-elternberatung.de
No, you should think about your own priorities and what is normal for children/young people.
What’s more important to you? A happy child. A child with social skills that are equally relevant for job, school, university etc.
Or a glittered household?
And if it is the latter: You should realize that household is DEINE’s duty. According to the law that children have to help according to their abilities and temporal possibilities in the household, it is clear that the main responsibility and burden on household is with you!
To make your child fully responsible for the household and want to punish them because she is no longer a servant, the youth office will be very interested.
And: You should at least give your daughter the opportunity to describe their vision of things. How would ud know how long the milk was outside the refrigerator and why? Even if you may not agree with her, but she may justify herself and she may also tell you how she thinks and feels.
I work as a hairdresser, so I’m always working for a long time and then I’m getting ruined. My daughter is to keep order, and I don’t want any big cleaning services from her.
Maybe you ask the question again, shape it when you are relaxed? I think your daughter can need support, I wrote that in my answer.
There is a lot of work for single parents! Therefore, it can also do you well if you have neutral advice on how to deal with the daughter damaged by mobbing.
and she doesn’t want to be broken after a full-time school day plus homework?
What would you do if you had no daughter? Who would do the household?
If it’s about keeping order, I don’t understand what should happen every day. Order keeps itself alone if you don’t create disorder. Putzen is once a week on your free day. Otherwise, food and dishes are daily.
Hi, as a bully victim, your daughter has been through a lot in her young life.
Perhaps it is sustainably damaged, traumatized. It would certainly help her if she received psychological support.
I’m glad she found a girlfriend!
In puberty, hormonal condition is difficult for the teens to concentrate. This is for many very strenuous, clear, for the parents, but especially for the kids.
Then remember what the girl’s been through. Because of a small mistake of a publishing child, it is likely that there are other causes. A lot of stress? Hard childhood and you pass on to your child what you ever did?
Maybe you’re going to a family consultancy office, your daughter’s got a mental injury through bullying.
Here you can find out anonymously: http://www.bke-elternberatung.de
If you want your daughter not to suffer for good reason. Every teenager neglects his duties and forgetting the milk on the table is probably not due to a new friendship.
It doesn’t matter if you like your daughter’s friends or not, they’re theirs, not yours. She already had it hard enough with bullying, be happy for your daughter that she found a girlfriend for herself.
And honestly, do you really think that contact would forbid anything to help or that it would work? You work full-time and the girl lives next door…you’ll hardly be able to enforce it.
Good for your daughter, it’s great she found a friend after the bullying problems!
She’s not your cleaning wife, she’s your daughter.
She’s 14 and at the age you need it.
Maybe something surprising but not bad.
Sounds like aggressive problems or a control disorder… You should work on you. For your daughter’s girlfriend, that was pretty unpleasant the situation.
Can your daughter understand well…
As said it is normal to do something with friends and she is not responsible for the household.
No!
Absolutely terrible mother – the daughter is supposed to throw up the whole household with 14 because you’re broken in the evening and you want to ban her the only social contact? Don’t be surprised if she breaks the contact with you with 18. And who is so excited about it, just because the milk is not in the refrigerator? Take a therapy.
No a mother who is afraid that her daughter will fall back after great enthusiasm for a new girlfriend like a hot potato because that has happened too often. Do you have to go up the shards or me? Do you know the new girlfriend? I’m just superficial. Can’t I worry if my daughter changed that?
Would you like to come home and step into the pile of the little dog your child wanted and also got because it was a heart desire? According to your statement, I shouldn’t have been allowed to buy her as a terrible mother at all, even with intention, right?
Wash a load of laundry or clean the food from the table or go out with the dog is too much? Should I hire and pay a service?
And how do you know that my daughter breaks contact with me when she’s 18? Do you know my daughter and know what she’s planning later? If I read your comment here, the one from you would take a great distance and be afraid of you.
I found this question on Reddit in the sub r/real questions and he had 147 comments, all of which complained about you. It was speculated whether this question was written by the mother at all, or yet by the daughter as a dream management, which, by the way, was considered possible by more than 200, until someone saw that you were a hairdresser.
One of the top commentaries has compared the situation directly with a labour camp. Another has also experienced the situation with milk, just stop with liver cheese, and his father has not visited him for 20 years.
Most of the comments were like:
How to get into a bad old house speedrun
Why have I never seen my grandchildren before?
Why don’t my daughter talk to me?
And other similar modifications of this comment.
Reddit is a platform that is made more for people between 16 and 30 and up to a small minority are also all in the old, there are many who also had such parents or have experienced other things. If you get the same impression on so many different people, maybe you should think about what’s wrong in your situation. I can understand that you’re working a lot and your daughter should do something in the house, that’s not a problem at all. But remember that she is your daughter and you really love her. With 14 she is probably already in the pupil and needs more privacy and time with friends anyway. And if she has problems with dealing with other people anyway, you should forbid her the few friends, if not even the only one. Because the one who is alone at the end is you.
Sorry if that sounds so radical now, I just want your daughter to have the necessary respect, leisure and contact with others.
You can write a lot if you don’t know the situation. Don’t you think it’s evil. When you get home from school, you can wash the plate from lunch and throw the washing machine? Or go out with the dog you liked and got so that he didn’t lift the leg on the sofa? That’s not what I was talking about. I wrote the question in Wut and unfortunately it wasn’t so over.
You can write a lot if you haven’t experienced that your own daughter has always been disappointed by friends and also mocked. Then you don’t know how it feels when you have to comfort your child at night and fished out of the mailbox before the notebox that are directed to your own child with the worst threats. They’ll be ripped off and wondered every day what she’ll have to do.
Then you don’t know that you’re worried as a mother and you’re afraid that your own child will be hurt again. Like I don’t want my daughter to have friends and be happy.
Your daughter isn’t your cleaning wife so she doesn’t have to do everything now she can already wash something like dishes, maybe or just the floor sweeps, but you can’t ask her to do everything and it’s normal to have 14 friends with what you take. The milk is not particularly bad now
If you bend the friendship you don’t make good of it
It’s all about little things like what you’ve written. Rinse the plate once you have done something to eat after school and let a washing machine run. Also go out with the dog after school, which was so much desired. So that he doesn’t put on the floor or lifts the leg on the sofa. The milk was a small thing, but on the day that the barrel was overrun.
I don’t see any reason to forbid your daughter’s friendship. It is also not order to invite friends home without asking.
Talk to your daughter again. It is a strong performance that she has survived the bullying and found new connection.
I’m happy, but I’m also suspicious. At the moment she’s so happy what I’m giving her heart. But if the girlfriend lets her fall like a hot potato, like other ones before then my daughter will suffer terriblely and that hurts me just as much as her. I don’t know if you can imagine how that feels when you have to comfort your child by 2:00 at night, because the best friend suddenly stood up against you and mobbs them with others.
There are circumstances where you’re moving up.
Sure, it’s hard to be alone, but it seems that everything is overwhelming you right now.
Your daughter doesn’t blame, I’m going to pretend to be with family advice.
All the time, she was bullied, and now she has a girlfriend and she’s giving her a hold. It’s very responsibly if you’re just this one friend she’s bent on her.
Why don’t you like her?
Just because your daughter neglects her duties?
How were you as a teen?
Did you always do what you said?
Did you always miss the house?
I can’t. It reminds me of my mother. If she’s like me and you’re exaggerating, she’ll go sometime before it should be.
I don’t like her because my daughter has changed and so he’s stuck on this girlfriend. She’s talking about nothing else. The school doesn’t neglect her, fortunately, that would be the worst. What if the girlfriend lets her fall like a hot potato? Of course my daughter should have friends but unfortunately she hasn’t had much luck so far. That’s why I’m suspicious.
Rather disgusting!
Your daughter is an independent person and not your slave.
You might want to do a therapy if a milk on the table already brings you to the white gluten.
So far there have been no problems, and my daughter doesn’t say I’m asking too much of her. Did you never have a bad day before, where did you get excited about a little thing? That was so with me the day.
Of course, I’ll get up on a little thing.
I’m not letting my next people out.
And what’s your problem? You can’t suffer the girlfriend? So what? Why do you want to do this to your daughter?
I think this is Fake. My daughter came from school in 15.30 and clean the cat toilet and cleared the dishwasher. That’s it. To bury the friend of a bully victim is very bad behavior. You should get your aggressions under control. I’m sorry for the poor child.
Mine comes home at 2:00 and she’s supposed to keep order, and so far it worked well until the girlfriend showed up.
And now.