Is it normal to talk to your mother on the phone every day?
Hello, I'm just asking if this is normal.
My husband (35) calls his mother (62) every day promptly at 6 p.m. Important aside: she is in normal shape for her age, except for her knees due to her extreme obesity. She has been retired for 1.5 years and will be eligible for a pension in 2025. My husband only moved out of the house when he was 30 because of his then girlfriend, but he still has his room there with his PC, console, and the like. The father ran off 15 years ago without a word. My husband's sister (37) has borderline personality disorder, is rather dim-witted, and also just ran off at some point. They were both supposedly always treated the same. But I think the mother has a very close bond with her son. It's possible that the sister was bothered by it, felt disadvantaged, etc. Just my speculation; I don't know her. When we got together and moved in almost two years ago, he still slept there twice a week until I got pregnant and started feeling worse. From then on, he only slept there once a week until October. Then he didn't sleep there at all, because I didn't want to, because I was feeling really bad.
Since he moved out, he's been doing the weekly shopping with her on Saturdays, as she lives in the village and her regular supermarket is in the next town (although there's a Rewe supermarket around the corner, a 5-minute walk 🙄). After that, he usually stayed for another 1-2 hours. She also has to see her doctor every 3 months for prescriptions, and he drives her to the next town because she doesn't want to go to the doctor in her village, who's within walking distance (my husband's doctor). Sounds to me like she's taking it easy. She lives 20-30 minutes away from us by car. She doesn't have a car anymore; she doesn't need it, she says (my husband does everything for her 🙄). But since she got a new dog (Oct 22), she hasn't come with us for the weekly shopping because she doesn't want to leave the dog (1) alone. If she could train it, it would work, but she should "stay a dog and be happy." She's lively, but spoiled from head to toe, sleeps in bed, etc. She has an anti-authoritarian parenting style. For the first four weeks after our son was born in December (an emergency C-section), and of course also on my mother-in-law's birthday 😒, she ordered delivery from Rewe (I repeat – Rewe is just around the corner, a five-minute walk away) because he didn't go and wanted to stay with us. Exception: Christmas Eve (my grandmother died eight years ago and it's my husband's sister's birthday), then he went, of course without our son and me, since I was still in bed and her house is apparently a complete mess, and she doesn't want to let us in because it makes her uncomfortable. When we were there briefly last summer, we were only greeted on the terrace. I'm sure I wouldn't have been allowed in even to pee. Anyway, he was there for dinner and we were at home. He came back an hour and a half later. Then the same thing happened on New Year's Eve. Reason: he can't leave her alone; she doesn't have anyone anymore. Mind you, her great-aunt comes by once a week and is allowed in the house. She can't keep up with the cleaning, collects magazines, and lives her daily life, constantly buying new clothes #teleshopping even though her closet is bursting at the seams. He also does a lot of things around the house, like trimming hedges, and sometimes even dropping off packages.
These days, I like to come shopping with our son on Saturdays, just as a family. When I suggested one Thursday that we'd come back on Saturday, he said I should have said it earlier because of his mother. He couldn't explain it to me when I replied that she had nothing to do with it anyway, because she didn't want to come with us because of the dog, and she wouldn't let us in anyway. Since our son arrived, he doesn't stay long after shopping because he wants to go home with us. When the two of them talk on the phone in the evening, initially on speakerphone, but eventually on headphones because I can't stand hearing their voices and their silly chatter anymore, they talk about so much nonsense, I call it "housewife gossip." But as soon as our son starts crying in the background, she brushes herself off because she thinks she's disturbing us. I've asked my husband several times if that really had to be done. He goes there every Saturday, so why, for example, talk on the phone on Saturday evening? He casually checks social media and doesn't even listen to her attentively, only responding with short, platitudes. He also texts her "Good morning, dear Mommy" every morning, texts when he gets home from work, when he's finished work, and when he gets home. He thinks it's normal and that it shouldn't bother me. This means we have less time together, sometimes when he chats with her for 45 minutes, even though it's bedtime for the little one.
Is this really normal? I don't think so.
(1 votes)
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For one, daily telephone calls are “normal” for the other total contact break…
But I can’t understand how to help you now have opinions from strangers in an anonymous Internet forum.
Personally, your husband’s caring wouldn’t bother me and I even think it’s very nice if an adult man has a good relationship with his mother and supports her in everyday life. Especially since he goes into your will and your needs.
Happy for you!
Questions don’t cost anything. I just wanted to hear some opinions. I don’t think that my needs will be addressed if I have to take care of the child from 6:00 p.m., which has to go to bed slowly while he’s on the phone, but hey, it’s a matter of views. He comes home at 4:00, eats, showers and phones at 6:00 while I make the baby ready for bed. As I bring him to bed and quiet, my husband sleeps with me calmly. Great, right? Very need-oriented, if there is no room for me in between. This isn’t a question of couple time. But I know that the first year with child is a challenge for a relationship. I spoke to my husband several times, but he doesn’t change anything. This is why I ask here “so doof”, where there are no doofen questions, but rather doofe answers….
You write:
Did I misunderstand your wishes?
Come on! Otherwise, ask your husband to make the little one ready for bed and then choose another time for the phone call, e.g. if you are still (or is that for you “place for you or couple time”?
Puhhh, I’m gonna have to get out of here, but I’m gonna close it. He’s afraid to make something wrong with the little one, so he lets me do it. However, if I say that the little one should get used to Papa again, because I will go to an event in November, for example, and you can practice this once again, which has to run differently, then it is said that I sill tell him what to do, best step by step. Sorry, but I think I have two kids at home? I really can’t take care of everything! He’s growing up and father. It is both my first child and only because I am the mother, it does not mean that I do everything right. I’m doing a lot of belly. He doesn’t even try to deal voluntarily with the tasks I do daily with the child. But without mistake, you can’t learn. Since he never had to do anything at home or have to bear for any responsibility, I just think he never learned it and is not capable of it. Unfortunately, you don’t know that before. I don’t know where we have a child. In short, he automatically thinks that the little one needs more his mom. Except for my breast milk, he doesn’t need so much of me. He’s sticking to me. And why? Because the father doesn’t get involved. I told him everything. It means that babies in the first year probably mainly need the mother. But I slowly go in and on the gums because I don’t have enough arms and he doesn’t understand how often I say. And then he still expects me to have a good mood when he comes home and if I don’t have it, it’s called “You have a mood again.” When I hear the sentence… boa… all evil comes the sex too short!!! He knows that too. It is thematized weekly. But it’s always the same: “I’m too tired.” What am I asking? Sure he goes to work, clearly we have a child, but he did work even before the child 40std/week. In addition, the good will not wake up at night when the child screams, which is rare anyway, because we really are lucky with our baby. I therefore seriously wonder what the problem is! I took it a thousand times with him. Personally, I think that once a month is just too little considering that we had pleasure and sex every day before pregnancy. I wasn’t pregnant, I was finished. Then it was said that it was laying on the “Lock Substances” and that nature had set this up. One thing I have to let him: wise and supposedly plausible answers he always has parat.
Puh, no, it’s not normal. That really seems to be an almost sick relationship. I mean, what does he do if his mother isn’t anymore?
Was that always so in your relationship and has it bothered you so much? And do you think it’s because he lived there so long?
I’ve already asked him what if he doesn’t want to hear about it because he’s “big fear of death.” It’s always been like that from the beginning. In the beginning I didn’t think about it, but my thoughts went along with the pregnancy, because he never said of himself that he no longer stays with her (which I find totally silly anyway, because he came after work, got his favorite dinner every time: Schnitzel and Pommes, and then threw himself into his old room and shocked the rest of the day on the PC). I had to tell him several times that I would feel safer if he stayed with me, especially when I had to call an emergency doctor once he wasn’t there, because I was really bad. I think it might have been related to the fact that he lived there for so long and of course the convenience, because he had nothing to do in the household. Do not clean or wash.
It’s like you’re a little jealous. Because you might want the same time he spends with his mother, can that be?
So from my side, I find it normal. Also I am 35, I also call my mother every day, make purchases, bring her to her doctor and put her on and on money. It’s my mother, the woman who raised me for years and supported me, because a relationship doesn’t change. And you have to think that the parents are not forever in the world…
Maybe you’ll just go shopping or something.
I do not have a good relationship with my mother because my mother is an alcoholic and has no sense of empathy. She is a cruel, negative person who hasn’t supported me since my pregnancy, the baby party has ruined uvm. Accordingly, I distanced myself from her because she doesn’t do me well and I developed depressive episodes more often during pregnancy. But I am not sad because I am better off without them and they and their behavior have made me a better person over the years.
I meanwhile go to the weekly shop once a month, but mother-in-law isn’t there because she keeps the dog at home, he could do something. If we’ll get her the weekly buy-in, it’ll be at “front door”. If I don’t want to stay long, I’m glad I’m back home 😅 I don’t have a bad relationship with her either. She is not intrusive and does not interfere with the education of our son. She’s just exhausting because she’s awfully vain and is more like the “te petete type”. Fortunately, I don’t have much to interact with her. My husband once suggested moving in with her as a family. So a la multigeneration family house. For God’s sake… I don’t want his mother to hear us….
Yeah, let him call. By the way, I’m doing this because I want to make sure about two things. To the first my mother lives in a poor and asocial area (removing but not, memories…) And I want to know she got home safe. And she has a pronounced liver damage, but only goes to the hospital when she has fallen (so word literally, you get her only ohn-powerful there) So I’ll call to see if everything’s okay… maybe you should ask your husband why he’s doing this. By the way, I was often referred to as a “mother son” in relationships, or I should decide…has never done the relationship well, blood is thicker than water
I know the spell. But we now have our own family. She should be in the first place… sometimes it feels like we’re just in the second place. I’m out of age to make any choice. He is to know what is important to him. I think it’s all right how you do that. If it were the same with her, I would understand. But just make calls to talk about that the neighbors prefer a new hedgehog or listened to music yesterday evening, I’m just as open. She lives in a really groomed area in Brandenburg, quiet, old-eating, everyone knows everyone. There’s nothing to worry about. The woman is also mentally fit, makes crossword puzzles every day after the clock with best time. I’ll ask him why he handles this. He said that it was so upset after he left.
I’d feel exactly like you, that she’s taking her grown-up son into her eye role. I think it’s toxic. He should set clear limits.
My mother-in-law was worse.
Pay from purchases, 6000 DM pump without wanting to give them back, to buy my bike and everything they could need without asking. Every month, giant crate tends to paratute the patch of clothes. Usw…
She wasn’t ashamed, she didn’t get the neck full, but she still ran over me.
I was sorry for the woman.
Take the time with your family. And leave your husband’s gratitude. He’s reasonable and he’s holding you.
Uff, that sounds really bad. But don’t you think it’s borderline with her husband? I mean, he doesn’t seem to have time for the family because of his mother…
He’s trying to make it all right. Maybe better than a self-centric force. I liked him staying with her when she was ill during pregnancy. _ Maybe a friend with a nem baby would be good for her to go bullshit and walk. _ But it will change when the child can walk and “Papa, play with me” asks 😂.
Puh, yes, you have to live with what you have.
Don’t let yourself be exploited.
Happy to you 😊 🍀 👍 👍.
For the first time, I find that you are really quite empathyless:) first, I would like to say that my husband does not feed me, because I am an emancipated woman and deserve my own money. I’ve never lived on my husband’s bag. We don’t live by roles. We have 2023. Next: “If you didn’t notice it before,” Puhh, very vague statement, but I know that from you. For that you are 72, you have obviously eaten wisdom with several spoons at the same time, sad. It is so that my husband’s relationship with his mother has not diminished as I hoped. I have thought that my husband, who has wanted a family of his own for years, but not the right woman, would want to spend more time with his own family, and I also count that you could at least minimize the daily telephone, especially since the call time, at 6:00 in the evening, is just more than inappropriate when you have a baby. But I would like to add that “in-law mudders” are now short, why I don’t know, but I’m right. My husband can and will never understand that I have a problem with this constant rock ciripple hanging because it is normal for him. In summary, I give you right in one point, that you cannot change the spirits. One will always pull the shorter one, and that’s probably me. And of course, I would expect a solution from him, is his mother, not mine. If he throws his shoes in the hallway and disturbs me, he’ll have to change it, and not me, aren’t my shoes.
Not every man gets that.
Honestly, some are still drinking. .
He’ll probably feed her and leave her for it from his lifetime. _ That’s how it works.
Mama son? Who can move them? None. Bad if you didn’t notice it before.
Go to marriage counseling. Make it public. Then they may change something.
This mother-in-law will not give her pleasure. She can forget that. _ Mine was worse. _ That’s her real problem. She expects the solution from him.
Well, that the man doesn’t fall off when his wife gets bad in pregnancy, is that at least, right?
Excuse me. I’m sorry.
If I had known this, I would have saved you and saved my time.
It was in no way my intention of degrading yours. It would be the last thing I could think of.
As justification: If I had such a character, I would not have been given enlightenment 17 years ago.
I’m 72.
I’m not a guy for social dealing with like-minded people. I find the idea of sitting on the playground or in the crabbel group with other mothers and talking about each of their children, dinkeletal bread and vegan recipes absolutely disgusting. Even the squadron in the Facebook Mutti group went on my glue. As if people had nothing else to do 🙄 Find the answer little helpful and not very far-reaching. I’m very sorry that your family situation seems to be worse and that’s why you have to smile at my situation… thanks for nothing.
Sounds like your husband is a so-called “mother son.” He reads Mommy every wish from his eyes, jumps immediately when she needs something. Compulsory and guilt make him do everything instead of calling or visiting the mother in between, because he really wants to. He himself never knew it differently, and then there is still the evil Papi and the sister who abandoned the mum. Then he wants to do something good for what he was never responsible for. No, I don’t think that’s normal. It sounds like he’s taking over the partner role for her. Sure, you should help your parents if they need help and spend time with them, but now you are your partner YOU are his (core) family. Can not understand such parents who do not take care of themselves. She might be looking for a new partner or friends, just YOUR LIVING, instead you just blame the children and prevent them from living their own lives. Certainly not out of gust, but because you probably don’t see that. If you set your limits, it should start to worry for yourself, that is naturally uncomfortable in the short term, but would be good for them in the long term. Why is your husband doing all this? It’s a badly sounding answer to the end, because there’s something he has to do to help Mommy. Self-worth, the great feeling so needed to not lose Mama’s connection, or whatever. ABER ultimately it is disrespectful what he does. He mixes into his mother’s life, and vice versa. Both do not respect borders and thus no respect! Things you can googlen: mother sons, Enmeshed Son, symbiotic parent child relationship etc. Success