Story?
Hi zusammen
Ich schreibe gerade eine kurze Geschichte über ein Mädchen.
Die kurze Geschichte soll so anfangen:
Plötzlich hörte sie Schritte, die sich schnell auf dieses Zimmer zubewegten. Dieses Zimmer in welchem sie sich aufhielt. Eilig schaute sie sich nach einem geeigneten Versteck um, denn sie wollte auf keinen Fall erwischt werden. Ohne lange nachzudenken riss sie die alte Tür des massiven Kleiderschrankes, der in der hinteren weniger beleuchteten Ecke des riesigen Zimmers stand und schlüpfte hinein. Unmittelbar darauf wurde die Zimmertür kichernd aufgestossen und sie zog die Schranktür leise zu. Im Zimmer hörte sie nun Gekicher ..
Was denkt ihr wo soll ich was verändern um den Anfang spannender zu gestalten?
Vielen Dank für Tipps.
Lg Jaxky
(3 votes)
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I lied to mimii444 with the “simply”.
Here are some other comments:
Sounds good and I would really like to read more
Love Greetings Fog sound
Thank you for your great feedback.
If that’s the beginning, I’d leave the “simply” in the first sentence. Suddenly it is used more when an action has already happened before and this is then suddenly interrupted. Here at the beginning it sounds a little strange, as if something was missing in context.
Besides, I’d give the girl a name. Unless it’s intent and it’s a reason why you’ll find out the name later.
I don’t like the second set from the reading flow. I’d rather write “The room where she was staying” than “This room”. I think it sounds a little more beautiful.
Apart from these little things, I like the beginning very well.
I hope I could help.
Thank you very much. You could really help me.
please do so
If you want to hear an opinion from experts,
then you should write at least in correct German!
This is what you say in your text: “…the old door of the wardrobe… on! “on“You forgot! What are you doing?
Such a fauxpas must not happen!
And extrudates” write man n i c h t “S“!
On Gekicher follow directly d r e i points: “Gekicher…!
Before “where” and after “change”♪ ever a comma“What do you think?, where to change, to make the beginning more exciting?”
You make too many mistakes! I can’t!
Therefore, I would advise you to revise the text properly again!
And: Working on your German!
Thank you for your feedback. Sure, you’re absolutely right, but I have to mention that this was just a first set-up and I just wanted to get a feedback on my idea before it really starts. Thank you for trying to correct my text.
But one thing: are you sure you don’t write ss?
I am a Germanist and master the German language! Incidentally, you are free to google the DUDEN and insure you, like any person!
In Switzerland the “β” is not used. Instead, you write “ss”. For example, “street” in Germany becomes “street” in Switzerland. It is one of the small but fine differences in the German language between the two countries.
In Germany, Austria and Switzerland, the binding standard for German language prevails after the same institute in Mannheim, where the laws of German language are made. This has to be followed by citizens of these countries. You personally can keep it like the roof, only that’s wrong! I suppose for you as “in my country” living is also: 1 + 1 = 3! Such people cannot be taken full!
In my country this is allowed to write ss instead of β, but nevertheless thank you for your answer.