Rate description?
Hi,
I've just written a description about a school trip for practice. I'm still in the lower grades at the moment and wanted to ask you what you think of the description. Perhaps you could give it a grade in the vote if you don't have time to correct everything.
Despite the early hour, my class and I have been walking through Cologne's old town for several hours. In Getreidegasse, there's a large sea of people due to an anti-AfD event, and it seems like it never ends.
Amidst the crowd, I feel like a snail in a shell that's too small. The ash-gray marble church rises impressively into the deep blue, slightly overcast sky, crowned by a magnificent and colorful rainbow. The deeper we venture into the crowd, the louder the incomprehensible and loud babble becomes. I also hear the powerful start of an old convertible outside the hustle and bustle.
A dominant, pungent, and smoky smell hits my nose as we walk past a dirty, pitch-black garbage can overflowing with trash. The pale outsider, Henry, unwraps his brown bread with a thick, apple-green spread, which also exudes a pungent aroma. Nevertheless, the bread's admittedly delicious appearance makes me hungry.
Our dear teacher then suggested we take a break in the well-visited, green park nearby. I carefully unwrap my provisions from the silver, wavy aluminum foil. As I greedily bite into my sandwich of lettuce, ham, and tomatoes, I lie down contentedly in the lush meadow among the pastel-colored wildflowers. The sun shines with all its might, and it feels as if its warmth is embracing me.
(1 votes)
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The description already shows a good feeling for descriptions and atmosphere.
However, it could be improved by a clearer structuring and a little more lively expression and thorough correction reading.
With some improvement, it could easily reach a 1 (very good)!
(I think)
Okay Thank you,you can give me an example of living expression
By using more lively verbs, the atmosphere of your shielding becomes more intense.
“Despite the summer heat, a classmate undergoes a challenging oral examination in German. She hecticly perpetuates the sentences she gets dictated by our full teacher, on the moss green table, and puts on these necessary supplements.” – “perpetuated” is an unusual word perhaps “notified” more appropriate. In addition, a comma is missing after “Tafel”.
“My eagle eyes migrate from the square, dirty window over to a linden as high as a giraffe.” – “over” is transversal, “over” would be better. “high as a giraffe” could be formulated more precisely, e.g. “as high as a giraffe.”
“The narrow wood branches of the tree move with the wind, while the brown leaves dance in the air at the foot of the tree trunk.” – There’s a comma missing after “Wind.”
“When I listen to the uniform ticking of the wrong wooden watch, an unexpectedly strong wind blows through a window, whereupon it flies.” – “the” window instead of “this” window.
“I also hear the loud shaking of the air flow at our balcony door.” – “door” is outdated, “door” is correct.
“Eiscal air crawls in my neck.” – “criecht” is a little translational, maybe “flows”.
“I gently push up my vest’s pitch-black sleeve and see that my entire arm, whose skin is as pale as snowy, is covered by goose skin.” The comma after “high” is not necessary.
“Today and carefully I grab the side pocket of my neo-yellow school backpack, and get a pack of “Airways sugar-free.” – The comma after “Rucksacks” is not necessary.
“Despite my attempt not to produce a noise, I can’t prevent a quiet clack when opening the can.” – “Experience” should be “Experience”.
“While I bite into the white, little chewing gum, a refreshing taste of mint unfolds into my throat.” – “in the white, small chewing gum” could be umgangssprachlich, “in the small, white gum” would be better.
“In addition, the sterile white chewing compound has a strong, fresh and spicy aroma.” – “Kaumasse” is unusual, maybe use “Kaugummi”.
“Every smell is overshadowed by the penetrant and even more intense stench by the sweat of my fellow students.” – “from that” is language, “from” is correct.
I find the description as a whole very detailed😊
I’m sorry I’m so annoying you, but you could fix me a lot of other shielding.
Despite the summer heat, a classmate undergoes a challenging oral examination in German. She hecticly perpetuates the sentences she gets dictated by our full teacher, on the moss green table, and puts on these necessary supplements. My eagle eyes migrate from the square stretched window to a linden as high as a giraffe.
The narrow wood branches of the tree move with the wind, while the brown leaves dance in the air at the foot of the tree trunk. When I listen to the uniform ticking of the wrong wooden watch, an unexpectedly strong wind blows through a window, whereupon it flies.
I also hear the loud shaking of the air flow at our balcony door. Ice cold air crawls in my neck. I gently push up my vest’s pitch-black sleeve, and see that my entire arm, whose skin is as pale as snow-white, is covered by goose skin.
Secretly and carefully I grab the side pocket of my neo-yellow school backpack, and get a pack of “airways sugar-free”. Despite my attempt to make no noise, I do not succeed in preventing a quiet clack when opening the can. While I bite into the white, little chewing gum, a refreshing taste of mint unfolds into my throat.
In addition, the sterile white chewing compound has a strong, fresh and spicy aroma. However, this smell is overshadowed by the penetrant and even more intense stench by the sweat of my fellow students.
slightly covered sky, on a magnificent and colourful rainbow.
A dominant, strict and smoky smell rises into my nose when we …
A dominant, strict and smoky smell rises to me into the nose when we…
… into my sandwich of salad, ham and tomatoes, I put … (without in)
Thanks for your answer, how would you note such a text so that I have an orientation .Aso and still what my mother says that you should not put a touch on outside the hustle and bustle you know why
I’m not a teacher, I’d give you the note 2 or 3.
The comma can be set, but it doesn’t have to. So it’s both correct. Why can’t I explain to you?
Hey I hope I don’t bother you I have schoolwork on Monday and it would be really important for me to have an opinion