My child and her defiant phase, does anyone have any tips?
Hello, my dears,
I am a mother of three girls, the youngest will soon be two and is completely in the defiant phase, but I don't know it from my other two.
My little girl Patu doesn't want to go in the buggy anymore. She just screams at everything, so much so that we've even been sent out of our town hall. Okay, I'd let her go, but then she runs everywhere except where I want her to go. If I take her by the hand, she just lies down on the floor. She doesn't want to be held either. I'm a bit desperate about how I can make everyday life with her better when we have to go shopping, to the doctor, or whatever.
Maybe someone knows this and can give me a helpful tip or two?
best regards
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what you can do depends on the situation,
But there are actually only 2 possibilities
a.) force the child to do it immediately, even if he or she is angry
b.) Let the child let off steam first and then do what you want (if you have time)
After it has calmed down: Explain again why/wherefore/wherefore. Explaining during the anger phase does nothing.
If I have time: I leave the buggy at home and she has to walk – even if she complains that her feet hurt. Unfortunately, there's no way to sit in the buggy because you don't have one with you. Next time, you can ask her if you should take the buggy, because the walk is just as long as last time. And her feet were already hurting so much… just to rest when it gets too much for her.
If I'm in a hurry, she has to get into the stroller. If necessary, she'll rage and scream in it. If it's extreme, I make sure I get everything done quickly at the town hall or even ask if I can go ahead for a moment because of the child. She's raging the whole time, and you don't want to disturb anyone. Usually, they even let you go ahead because of the screaming…
Then just let her continue to romp so she learns that romping is pointless. Once she's had her fill, you can explain to her why she wasn't allowed outside—because you can't look after her there, and you don't want anything to happen to her because you love her.
Then she goes back into the buggy if she can't walk. And if she's raging, that's why she's raging. Once she's had her fill of rage, you can explain to her again why she had to go back into the buggy.
The basic rule is: let them off steam first, then explain. During the anger phase, don't explain anything, because the child won't listen anyway.
Be consistent for a few weeks and endure the tantrums. At some point, she'll learn that raging doesn't help… but (from my own experience) it's very stressful. My daughter was/is always very emotional, and at some point, you learn how to deal with the tantrums and learn strategies to possibly prevent them in the first place.
My daughter has even gone out in the winter without a jacket because she didn't want to wear it. We weren't outside for five minutes before she decided she wanted a jacket… that's option 1 – letting the child have their way so they realize it wasn't a good idea…
She's probably trying to tell you that she doesn't like having to go everywhere with you, which of course is the only way and you don't have a babysitter. Is she also going through a defiant phase at home when you want something from her and she doesn't listen, etc.?
Does she ever run away from you or run away from you in public?
Well, as I said, we don't have to go out all the time to do things, but even if I want to go to the playground with her, that's how it is. She often shows me that she wants to go out, takes off her shoes and says, "Mummy, get out!" She just wants to go her own way.
At home, she also tries to get her way when she wants something and doesn't get it right away.
She is already testing her limits and is naturally curious and everything is new. Do you give clear instructions that help or are they rather ignored?
Have you ever threatened her with consequences for her behavior?
Different.. sometimes yes, sometimes no.. :/
She may sometimes be overwhelmed and can only express her behavior in anger, which is something she doesn't want to do.
This probably doesn't help you much, but if she's being defiant, does she react quickly and calm down again?
It's perfectly fine to test her limits; she's a two-year-old child… so I don't want to lecture her, I'm just asking if anyone has experience and can give me some tips.
my other two weren't soooo
She's actually a very sweet little mouse in general, loves to cuddle and play with me, understands things very well and can put them into practice… she talks a lot and shows what she wants…
But woe betide her if things don't go her way. Of course, I explain it to her and offer alternatives or "deals." For example, "Let's go there first, then we can go to the playground… get some ice cream… etc… whatever, depending on the situation." But she doesn't listen to me at that moment and simply doesn't want to understand. She gets caught up in her anger.
Sorry, that sounds really exhausting!
– It can be quite stressful for a small child to be taken everywhere. It's sometimes a sensory overload, and at the same time, there's rarely anything they can do that suits them. Would it be possible to leave them in someone's care while you run errands? That would be less stressful for both of you!
Since she doesn't accept the stroller and otherwise runs away easily, might a safety leash be the best solution for your girl? She wears a kind of harness with a "leash" attached, so she can't run away but still has freedom of movement. (The name for this system is pretty idiotic, but I haven't found a better one – here in Switzerland, they're called "Gschtältli," but that's hard to translate…)
Do you think any of this could work?
Hey, we're not out for five hours every day… but of course, at that age, everything can be a bit overwhelming. But unfortunately, I don't have anyone to encourage her to do things on her own.
That would be an idea, I'll try it out, thanks
https://youtu.be/BYCJY01iln4
Maybe autism
Just because a child has tantrums at that age doesn't mean it has autism…