Kuscheln mit Kind der Freundin?
Kurz zur Vorgeschichte:
Seit einem halben Jahr bin ich mit meiner Freundin zusammen. Sie hat 2 Kinder, einen 8-jährigen Jungen und ein 17-jähriges Mädchen. Mit beiden Kindern komme ich super zurecht, wir unternehmen viel zusammen. Das Mädchen ist schon sehr erwachsen und selbstständig, sie ist ohnehin kaum zu Hause und wenn doch dann lernt sie meistens fürs Gymnasium.
Der Junge jedoch braucht viel Aufmerksamkeit und ist im Vergleich zu gleichaltrigen 1 Jahr zurück. Er muss regelmäßig zum Logopäden und er weint täglich, oft ohne richtigen Grund – weil er z.B. beim Playstation spielen verliert. Zudem will er täglich 1-2 Stunden kuscheln.
Wir (der Junge und ich) sind sehr eng miteinander und er will mich beim kuscheln auch immer dabei haben. Mir ist das aber zu viel, mal alle paar Tage finde ich es schön aber jeden Tag als immer wieder kehrendes Ritual ist mir das einfach zu viel. Auch stört mich, dass ich dadurch mit meiner Freundin keine Zeit habe:
Wir sind beide berufstätig. Wenn ich von der Arbeit komme (gleichzeitig mit dem Jungen der dann von der Mittagsbetreuung kommt) muss ich erstmal mit ihm Hausaufgaben machen. Bin ich fertig, dann bereitet meine Freundin essen vor, macht die Wäsche, oder telefoniert stundenlang mit ihrer Mutter (sie lebt im Ausland). Ich habe eigentlich nur eine halbe Stunde am Tag Zeit mit ihr und das ist abends wenn wir im Bett liegen – da gibt’s dann aber keine großen Konversationen mehr sondern “nur” Sex.
Ich leide auch unter starken Depressionen und komme deshalb mit der Situation kaum zurecht…
Ist das normal das ein Junge mit 8 Jahren noch täglich 1-2 Stunden kuscheln will? Und was kann man tun um die Gesamtsituation zu verbessern?
Ich hatte noch nie eine Freundin mit Kindern, war die meiste Zeit in meinem Leben (bin jetzt 42) Single und bin auch eher ein ruhiger, introvertierter Typ. Für mich ist das alles total neu. Ich will nicht das man mich falsch versteht, ich liebe meine Freundin und ihre Kinder. Manchmal denke ich mir aber, als Single wäre ich glücklicher 🙁 Ich habe jedoch keine Ahnung ob das wirklich so ist, oder ob es nur an meiner Depression liegt…
(5 votes)
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Now children choose their reference person where they feel comfortable and that is in the case you are.
If the time to cuddle is normal, difficult to say, children are different, there are those who are more distant and others who are full of cuddly courses.
What you can do, look that he has friends, say give him something he would exchange the cuddly time for.
Friends could be so, after all, you want to do something together, the great one of acquaintances always turns to me when he is bored, since he has friends from school, this is much less often the case, is already cool with the same thing to do, to hang with adults something, but we are the kids far ahead in various things, because it is not so good to say if you have reached certain goals, at the same time.
So, look that he finds friends, then he should somehow solve himself from you, not completely but with friends playing out the parents usually, children seeking independence with time even if it is not yet independence at age.
Good answer, but he doesn’t like it when friends stay too long because this keeps less cuddly time. He has to get ready for bed at 19:30 and, for example, if he has a visit until 6:00 and then homework then there is a huge theatre and he does not sleep before he had his 1-2 hours. In my opinion, the mother should explain better and be a bit stricter, but that doesn’t want her, and as her friend I don’t have the right to educate the boy.
Did you ever talk to him about it? Say how does he see the situation? Sometimes it helps to know what’s going on in the child.
Grab the young one for a 4 eye talk and ask him why he likes to kiss with Mutti and how he feels. Listen to him. After that, you will explain to him that you like to do it exactly and also need your cuddly time with your girlfriend. Ask him if he’ll have a suggestion as you both come to your cost. At the end you can suggest to him to divide the cuddly time. 1 day you/ 1 day he or other proposals. Vll klapt it yes
I’m sorry for the late answer, was covered with appointments.
Children usually know who they can connect to, say who does good to them.
I don’t know what this is, I’m working with quite a lot of children, not always for the pleasure of the parents when the little ones suddenly jump on me or so ^^
It doesn’t have to be if I’m on my way with the kids from the well-known and anyone asks, you’re on your father’s way, no that’s our arti.
So right after motto nö, nix Papa, our property goes away.
You get used to it and when children get older the relationship with them automatically changes, they jump at 8 or 9, you are with 12/13 the person you don’t want to be seen with, in some cases sooner or later.
I think it’s like that, there’s kids who totally refuse, you don’t have a rest because they want you out, he accepts you.
You get used to having a child and with time you learn to deal with them.
It’s just something else to have a child that you know from small, so a child you really know when what’s going on or when it’s sad, etc.
If you suddenly get a child with 7, 8 or 9 the thing is quite different, with nem 4 or 5 years old would have to compete for your girlfriend, more than it is now.
So don’t let you get under, you’ll make it clear with the little one.
Thank you for your answer, you really helped me!
“If I come together with my friends, the problem would be the reverse, the kids would always want to do something with me.”
That’s what it is for me, the boy really likes me and I like him too. Only I don’t like to cuddly and find it to the extent “too much” and unnormal. In addition, it feels kind of weird because he is not my son and I would also like to spend time with my girlfriend, which is hardly the case. I love the boy, but somehow I get the feeling I just don’t make for having kids.
Can I understand, children see things much more complicated, cuddling is fun, cuddling is nice so I like to do this, is about how children think about it.
The small (6) and the big (10) mouse of acquaintances also hang totally on me, with when I say it is enough to do something else, play etc.
Well, if that’s what the mom has to admit, she won’t do that, apart from friends, just give the option to raise interest for other things or prefer to cuddle, or that you pull back off and down to stupid said, what to do, don’t know.
When it comes to interest, it’s basically about finding something he can do on his own, but where cuddles are more of a hindrance.
Children today stand on challenges, probably the little one has already seen the one or the other, maybe you can challenge his winning drive, as mentioned we have earned some benefits, keyword opinion etc.
Meaning if you find where you are superior to him you can deal with it, of course let it win sometime and go on to the next, but the challenge is getting closer to the profit, could stimulate it.
Basically, you have to find a substitute for the topic of cuddles.
There would also be a point where you can start – do you think it’s important that I and Mom spend time alone?
Probably he will answer yes.
Sounds stupid, but maybe you can also negotiate with him, maybe you can offer him something for 1 or 2 days a week where he doesn’t miss, but he’s getting a little shorter.
Consider one thing, kids are not stupid, there are things they don’t know, but one child definitely knows how to beat something to their advantage.
That cuddling is something he sees as his advantage. The time with his mother you finally see so, of course on another level, but your main interest is basically the same, only that he has the children’s bonus.
Regarding Challenge, maybe you’re already in one, who has the greater right to Mom or who gets the time.
It could be that he accepts you, but don’t want to release the mom if a stranger comes to the family, that can happen.
If I met my acquaintances, the problem would be the reverse, the kids would always want to do something with me.
Yes, he said he loves his mom and so he likes to chat with her and it’s important that I’m with him. I’m totally sweet and I don’t want to stand in between, but I’m too much because 1.) I don’t like to cuddle so much, 2.) I find it to the extent unnormal and 3.) I have no more time with my girlfriend… difficult situation, I can and will not forbid the boy.
My friend, by the way, finds all this normal…
If I had to guess, I would say that the biological father is not available in history or very little for the boy, right?
The boy seems to have taken you out as a (male) reference. If he is a sensitive lapel, it can be the case that he needs so much affection. I have experienced with my daughter that this is happening again and again in phases. Now only recently I was surprised by such – my daughter is now 12 and quite far and independent – yet she is currently looking for my closeness.
This is quite difficult because it is so easy as a reference person. You can try to talk to him and explain to him that you need some free space from time to time. But I would be very careful if the boy is so sensitive. You can quickly open a big barrel.
I’d turn less on the cuddly time. Why does your girlfriend have to call her mother for hours a day? If parents are nearby, you don’t sit together for hours a day.
Addendum:
You already have the origin of the boy’s attachment. He’s probably clinging about the fear of losing you, too.
The biological father has the boy every two. Weekend at home and the boy also got a phone from him so that the two can always contact each other. So you have a lot of contact. The boy also understands that I don’t like to cuddle constantly and doesn’t push me if I have something to do. But whoever he urges: His mother. And I have no time with her because, as I said, we are both fully employed. I understand, but for me the situation is absolutely unsatisfactory. Because of this, I now move back more and more, the relationship will eventually fail when it goes on. It’s just too much for me. I also need time with my girlfriend, why else should I stay with her?
That can be too little for the kids. That’s why we had to change the whole model back then.
Is this about the 1-2 hours with the child or possibly the hours with telephone/budget/etc? You focus here effectively towards the child, but that is, if at all, only a factor of many.
We’ll talk again tonight, even if I don’t have much hope. Thanks for your answers, you really helped me very much 🙏
Well, we’ve almost drifted a little to the father, that was just an original thought. What is also an important factor is the fact that you are describing that he is not yet over the separation of parents. I find his behaviour quite normal and even quite easy to handle compared to other “valves” that the kids like to look for.
In the end there are not many adjusting screws on which you can rotate. If the relationship suffers from it, then it might help if you make firm plans. Assembles fixed times when nothing is to be shaken. Children understand that. And it doesn’t mean it must be the only times. But these are guaranteed.
The boy is allowed to see his father at any time, I am sure he is satisfied with the current and no longer wants, because his father is an impatient person and the mother tends towards aggressions. The ratio of the two is “ok”, but not very narrow as you would expect…
Well, the child is the biggest factor, even because I feel it extremely “unnormal”… The telephone calls are limited to 3 weekdays and household is “normal”. The boy can’t do anything for it, but my dissatisfaction is already 80% of him, so sorry to say so.
I read several times that it is too much for you. And that you’re mostly used to being alone.
Now you are to share and do not do that because not the 100% attention is yours.
Well, it is quite clear that if women have children, the man always has to know that he will not have 100% attention. The keyword is “order”.
This is the same, there are also many men who have children and also reconnect. It must be clear to the new woman that she is not always in front.
The great need for a cuddly is part of the child’s personality, and on the other hand, many segregation skiers show imminent behavior. They have lost an important reference person for them. And cell phone contact doesn’t replace the personal.
If you are too much, there is still the possibility of regulation. Certain days can be considered a cuddly time. Like a schedule at school. Sounds very woody, but children quickly learn certain structures if they are observed.
As far as the winery is concerned, it should be looked after the situations. In the game, by the way, only the fewest children like to lose. As an adult, you can also work a little psychologically and make sure that a game is won. A small experience of success will be built up.
In addition, the self-confidence of children can generally be strengthened by certain common activities and also words. Children like to taste themselves, adults should strengthen them.
You should talk to your girlfriend about her son. Advise what you can do.
As far as your depression is concerned, are you active about it?
Yeah, you’re right, I’ve been living here for two months and we all have to adapt to each other. We’re working on it.
As for depression, I’m in treatment. However, there are so many things to work out that there is hardly any time for the time described here. My therapist is also of the opinion when I handle the depressions, then I would not see that with the boy and the few time with my girlfriend so closely – I’m not convinced, but I don’t have anything else to wait for and work on me…
Thank you for your answer!
You write, you’ve lived alone for a long time. Now it seems difficult for you to take care of your needs in the family situation. You write, sometimes everything becomes too much and you even think about going.
Besides, it is difficult for you and your partner to organize your time to two.
I guess if you manage to solve these tasks, then you can enjoy the relationship and also living together with the children much more.
I think you can do this and it will be worth it. !Respect for your needs and limits. And watch the others.
You can also be advised,
for example, at an educational consultancy office in your region.
https://www.kidkit.de/hilfe-vorort/
I wish you all the best!
I’d say you’re still in the learning phase as a father, not mean evil.
You write yourself, it’s your first girlfriend with kids and her only half a year. Many fathers with sensitive boys (and an antenna for it) know this, but they have grown into this role over the years and do not see it as problematic.
That’s probably what your friend might see and reacts somewhat irritated.
My suggestion would be that you must continue to grow into the role, that is important that the boy gets the confidence advancement confirmed to you and then you will see with a bit of confidence the clamp will stand up to a normal level.
I hope you’re right, I’m not sure my patience is enough to find out, but I’m giving my best. Thank you for your answer!
Then let the sex stop one night and discuss your desire for more time to two. I think, however, that the boy wants to cuddle so much due to the separation that still employs him. Maybe it would be good to talk to a child therapist once? I’m looking after my niece, who has fallen into a deep hole due to the really rough separation of her parents and her mother’s dealings with her and now also needs and accepts therapeutic help. Maybe you can intervene at an early stage so that there is no such thing. And then you could also explain to the son that you like to spend time for two and that doesn’t mean you love him less, but that you might cuddle to an hour every two days or so? Why don’t you ask him if this is okay for him and take him seriously?
I’ve already suggested to my friend go with the son to a child psychologist. She was totally insulted and refuses, just like the biological father.
This is not about her, but about her child. She should let her be proud and her ego side by side and see what DAS KIND actually needs.
Behavior is not “normal”. However, the young also seems to be otherwise impaired. What diagnosis was made about his state of mind?
I don’t know his diagnosis, I just know he’s taking ergo and logopedia lessons.
If the child likes to cuddle, that’s normal. But, of course, it is not normal to lie down with the 8-year-old child for 1 to 2 hours. Parents try to make everything right and then find no reasonable measure of themselves and then often explain this with the child’s excessive need. It is difficult to explain this to a parent. If they understood, they wouldn’t have started with such a thing. But try to clarify this, it is also condemned to failure.
My partner at that time also had an 8-year-old son, who also cuddled with us from time to time, but I don’t think this is normal.
Thank you, too:(
Clearly the behavior of the child is normal and also an award. It is strange to have a friend with children and to question their emotional needs.
The two can cuddle as much as they want, I don’t forbid it. I just don’t want it so often and have emotional needs that stay on the track.