Kapitel 1 Feedback?
Was würdet ihr zum ersten Kapitel dieser selbst geschriebenen Geschichte sagen?
Ich würde mich über eure Meinung freuen!
(2 votes)
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Then I’ll give you my feedback
First a short description:
You have a striking spelling error in it, and instead of “in movies” there is “a film”.
Small typos can happen quickly and are not a drama, but the short description should be error-free because it is the first impression and you decide on whether to read the story or not. You should read about everything you write again, so that you can find such mistakes. Also about the short description.
Besides, it sounds very generic when you can say it. That’s what I mean, that the content doesn’t matter, and it sounds like every 2nd fantasy story. Overall, the short description does not create enough tension to really click on it. Magical beings in a forest, this is not a new and creative incident. What makes history a special one?
Then to the first chapter:
I find it very good that you master spelling, drawing etc.! No matter what you write, if you can, the quality of history is a lot better.
The content can be worked. First you use many terms that you should avoid in a written text or who are more likely to tell the story instead of presenting it.
“I went to the bathroom”
“feeling me”
“Dear my jeans”
“we had more disputes”
“we’re all together”
This is all language and doesn’t sound very elegant in a book. There are just certain expressions that you only use when talking. Look out words that mean the same, but they sound better.
Here: “I striped over a blue T-shirt” you already did.
Also, in this chapter you already tell a lot of background knowledge about your character. I wouldn’t do that because a recounting anyway is more boring to read. The action has hardly begun, since the character has only gone down once, and more has not yet happened. You are flooded with facts. Siblings, adoption, kindergarten, girlfriend… it’s hard to keep an overview, and you lose interest.
One should gradually incorporate this into history, and only if it is important. You can explain this to the girlfriend, for example, when she meets her. And that with the siblings, even if they are present at all. In addition, a scene should consist largely of action and representation, not of recount. So focus on what the protagonist does first, not on the background history. She’ll be back and forth.
Even though this was a lot of tips, I still don’t find the beginning so bad for your age. I’ve read quite different things. Trust to continue and not lose motivation.
If you want more tips, check in here:
SECTION 2
Love
Thank you.
It reads like an urgently written essay. The dialogues are completely uninteresting, almost banal. A dialogue must always contain tension, information or conflict!
The three-dimensional drawing of the figures is missing. The class teacher is only described by sls “Woman of Middle Ages”. So much potential is not exploited here! And that the names of most figures start with L, I feel strange. Also missing is the description of parents and siblings. How do they look, how old, what preferences and properties do they have?
That’s why everything’s just like a rush-blown attachment, the emotional depth is missing completely.
I wouldn’t want to read more.
Okay, I’m about to revise the story after your feedback. Thank you.
Conflicts are also important. Just in the family you described, there must be conflicts between the siblings. Conflicts live a novel. It doesn’t have to be deadly hatred, it’s something small-swell, it can be something everyday. It can even be fun.
That a sibling abhorses Minzzahnpasta and the other siblings always hide or swap his toothpaste.
Then the relationships within the family – how deep are they, who likes who doesn’t like who? How is the relationship of parents? Do they still like themselves or are there a conflict here? (“you work so long and leave me alone with the children”)
Then to the best friend. There is no 100% harmonious friendship. Describe the friendship of the two. How long do they know each other, are there different views and conflicts? It could be that the girlfriend might let the protagonist stand alone in the break and that angers about it… how does the girlfriend look? What family does she have, what grades in school, favorite subjects Hobbies?
That’s why my answer is that you’re losing potential. You build a two-dimensional narrative, but it includes four dimensions to make it plastic and “take” the reader. Always appealing to emotions, how does someone feel? Smell, taste, what do you feel? The warm exhaust cloud from the bus when he moves away, the people’s rainbow on the bus. Smell (okay there is someone what, have you written) – but also what season is it? What did the protagonist do? Why is she confused as a boy? The short answer in the story is not enough. etc.
Writing is a craft you have to learn. No author has fallen from heaven, but there are certain basic rules. The art of dialogue. You could also work with different stages of action, or to describe the protagonist, you could use a flashback from her childhood.
Why does she have to go to a new school? etc. so there’s so much what “misses” and what else you should work out to make it good.
… and I find despite all the criticism that you write very “straight”, so you have a strong narrative voice. You realize that you’re targeting something while writing and not just writing it. I recommend “how to write a damn good novel” – this is a guide about the craft of writing, very easy and comprehensible. https://www.amazon.de/einen-verdammt-gut-Roman-schreibt/dp/3924491321/ref=sr_1?crid=3A3OABYZD70J4&keywords=james+n.+frey+wie+man+verdammt+guten+roman+schreibr&qid=68
To write well, you have to understand what’s behind it and learn more and more. I hope you’re not disappointed. I’m not saying it’s completely bad what you wrote, but it’s just missing something and you just have to say that honestly. You have a good spelling and grammar and you feel that you have something to say about this story. Keep going!
Thanks for the detailed answer! This will help me!