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Noidea333
2 years ago

Sounds like you’re in love. I don’t think it’s so good. Especially the last line. You’re actually putting yourself in a drawer. I would write poems in general something more emotional and with rhymes. But everyone is the Seine.

AlexausBue
2 years ago

The forefoot and the rhymes do not vote.

Bricoleur
2 years ago
Reply to  AlexausBue

Free rhythms. It’s modern.

Tannibi
2 years ago
Reply to  Bricoleur

Sure, because you don’t have to.
The rap proposed it. Then basically everything is a poem.

AlexausBue
2 years ago
Reply to  1234klar

Example for foot:

it COMMT a MAN and SPEAK me ON,

as JEmand NUR so SCHĂ–N his CAN.

neinxdochxoh
2 years ago

In the beginning, you’re reaping, and that’s partly lost. Either everything reimulates like in 1 -4 (abba) or even no mime.

The inland rhyme in verse 1 seems strange (“I am small, my heart is pure …”).

“you hear my cry” it must be called.

“hear” – “nerd” is not a beautiful rhyme. In general, the word “Nerd” bothers me.

The verses are different lengths, that goes in modern poetry.

The penultimate verse is cumbersome: “I feel that…” This is easier, more direct and more effective.

Title:

Where are you?

Do you hear me?

Tannibi
2 years ago
Reply to  neinxdochxoh

“you hear my cry” it must be called.

It also has to be “after someone” and “think you”
hot, big/small spell is not true – that
I guess you have to overlook everything.

Skoph
2 years ago

Terrible! What is the M…?

Just write it right first! This is how you start to make poems!

Your text improves so that it sounds >

________________________________________________________

I don’t fit in. And feel small.

Where’s my heart? I just had it.

Now there’s only one hole!

You were there and I felt myself

no longer alone. But you’re gone

I wonder:

Do you hear my scream?

Because I’m screaming for someone who hears me!

And I feel you are.

You think I’m crazy?

_______________________________

So and now a spontaneous Example-sealed of which > // = verse end

_______________________________

In spring it was in March

I don’t fit in. (measure v-v-v-v- )

And where is it, my heart?

I feel very small.

I don’t want him, the pain! //

You yell in.

And you are, my heart!

I’m not alone anymore.

This is not a stupid joke! //

I am your heart,

but hard as iron ore.

I haven’t seen that yet.

In spring it was in March. //

_______________________________________________________________

Many ideas, lots of games – like a puzzle with words – and success!

Skoph
2 years ago
Reply to  1234klar

to 3. Good that you write this – my poem is already intended for sale in a volume of poems (Lyrik 2023).