Insecurities in the relationship but also in yourself?
Hello everyone,
Lately I've noticed more and more that I'm incredibly insecure.
I've been in a relationship for a while now. We've just gotten through a very difficult phase, and things are looking up again. Some things are still bothering me, but they'll get better. (He said he wouldn't move away with me after all, after a long time of planning, and I'd have to go it alone – it's a long-distance relationship. The reason for this is that he doesn't want to leave his city, friends, and family behind.)
I had a very difficult childhood with a lot of trauma and loss, and I'm working hard on myself. I'm diagnosed with autism and have a long history of bouts of depression and anxiety.
The following emotional extreme situation now occurred:
My boyfriend has his first week, I'm happy for him but my head is full of worries that he will find better friends and companions there, he doesn't give me any reason to believe that, but I just can't do it.
This week, I've been pretty dull in terms of vision. I immediately get scared and feel incredibly lonely. And also strangely jealous, but I realize that this stems from insecurity.
Yesterday he told me that our trip to London in two weeks couldn't go ahead because of university. Of course I was sad, but I can't get it out of my head that he puts everything and everyone before me. I've wanted to go to London with him for ages.
That's all nonsense and I know it, I'm not a terrible person, I can understand all of that, but I just can't get my head around that in everyday life.
Does anyone have experience, kind words and/or maybe a tip?
Thanks (:
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It’s first week for him, so next week the study starts, right? Stupid question, why is a holiday even planned in time? Driving away right at the beginning of the study never works. This must happen during the semester holidays.
Overall, it sounds like there are two common denominators. He does not seem to involve you in the decision-making process but to decide alone and then to put you before complete facts. And you seem to have a crack in self-confidence.
The holiday has gone totally stupid, I’m in the last year of school, the holiday has been planned for a long time, he had said this will go some way, because it’s just my last vacation before stress I always had some doubt, but left me on him. I was totally in stress with exams now and he’s been free for months, I didn’t have to worry about whether that’s going on.
I know that I have a crack in self-confidence, but actually only so bad when it comes to people who are important to me, I am a school speaker, in general I am actually quite self-confident. I just want to know what I can do to make it better.
Hmm sounds a bit like Autisten-Planung vs mischievous-nt-planung.
There are NT people whose planning concept is virtually the same: we do that, we will somehow work, but how exactly this works, I will look shortly before. These plans can be seen completely with question marks until this is resolved with the same thing as then. What then happens relatively shortly before.
Most autists I know, including myself, are planning completely different. This is completely organized from the outset and all predictable events are checked.
If people are the common denominator in your problem with self-confidence, hm. You said your childhood was problematic. Is it possible that this may have an impact to date? You seem to have feared, abandoned and replaced quickly. That sounds like loss.
Well, there are gradations. I think I would make it dependent in a relationship on how realistic I think the circumstances will fit him new. But yes, that means constantly thinking for him and not being able to leave blindly.
Not? He just said he won’t move with you, did he? Insecure a common future plan. To give up a common plan of the future without communicating in advance how great the doubts and worries are actually, insecure even more. Because it raises questions about reliability, how do you plan with someone who rewrites plans without warning?
I know there’s a traceable reason why he wants to stay. But feelings are not rational, they don’t care if there’s a reason.
Your fear and uncertainty is stronger than usual in such a situation, so I suspect there is a deeper reason that has been triggered by the current situation. Probably from your childhood as there were problems. You’re probably not gonna get around in the long run to work it up. Maybe with professional help.
Short term.. When my head gets into ideas, it helps me to hear that’s nonsense. Can you talk to your partner about your uncertainty so he can take you in the arm and tell you that’s not true?
Thanks for the tip. I find it a pity not to be able to leave, but that seems to be a widespread thing…. Personally, I seem to be just different.
yes I think my fear is based on his statement, so I probably doubt everything that has to do with him, even though he does not give any reasons. I just don’t know what to do about it, I’m not sooo top about regulating my own emotions
I really solve this so that I consider these plans as “maybe that happens”. And wait. However, I have never been with someone who has planned this way, that is much easier in a friendship.
I’m afraid that might be the reason for your self-confidence problems. The fear makes you insecure and makes you doubt right away.
And the big problem is from my point of view that your fear is based on his own statement.
The plan is a good approach. But what can I do? I don’t want to force him my way, do I?
I’m terribly afraid to get hurt by those I love. He unfortunately shot the bird in that difficult time, he mentioned there that he (very situation bound please) thinks we would be better separated. This has caused a very deep fear, how have long talked about it, that is also so ok, he himself has ADHS trains and sometimes acts impulsively. But that’s what scared him, I think. I just can’t get out of here
What you think isn’t bullshit, he’s making a career. But the joke is that you were looking for someone with career with full intention, so don’t complain about it. You can’t have everything. I would not go into a remote relationship, either you find such a solution or not. It’s free to make your own career and date someone who has 24/7 time for you. London is beautiful, but also overrated. I was there once, just looks exactly like on the postcards.
Sometimes you can just write things nicely.
It’s nicely written!
You can, you don’t have to!
That’s correct. It’s all your choice.
Especially for us autists it is particularly important not to constantly send thoughts in the head from A to B, but to be open and honest with the partner.
If you can’t talk to him about what worries you, you can leave the relationship the same – and that also applies to people with standard brain settings
I have spoken to him about this, he has actually assured me several times that he understands me but not as if my fear “sold” me. To put this into actions and emotions (so positive) is only sooo difficult.
“once talked about it”… hm… you know that you can also discuss topics MOREFACH? Especially when they cause you MER NOCH abdominal pain or have it gone further in life and has changed?
And “to talk about” doesn’t mean “I don’t like it, find a solution for me”
Maybe talk again actually helps….