How should I deal with his behavior, father?
Hello
Well, my father and I have always had a rather mediocre and relatively tense relationship.
Well, the problem is that my father is completely unable to admit his mistakes, and consequently, he doesn't apologize for his bad behavior, etc. He expresses a lot of criticism and similar things (even towards my mother and sometimes my younger brother). Thanking him for something still works, but praising him for something doesn't really work (especially with me and my mother).
Now we had another situation. I'll just give you an example. My brother, my mother, and I were thinking about watching a movie after dinner this evening (my father never wants to watch it with us). We watched one yesterday, too. At dinner, I said it was already quite late, but I thought we could still do it. He asked what, and I said we wanted to watch a movie. He replied something like, "You've been watching a lot of TV lately…you have to watch, other things are important too…read books (etc.)." Then he said there was a documentary about a country on TV. After dinner, he went upstairs without discussing it or anything, turned on the TV, and watched the documentary. (We only have one TV.) We played a game and watched a video. At some point (when it was over), he came over and asked if he could join in, and I said no (I was just angry). He still sat down and got involved in the game through my brother, asking him how the game works, etc. (I don't know if you can understand that, it's hard to explain.) I then ignored him and didn't answer when he asked me something (which only happened maybe twice).
The situation doesn't sound so bad, but it's like this all the time. There are arguments over every little thing, etc.
Now the question is, how should I deal with this? Attempts to show him that he's wrong don't work, and he doesn't understand at all that something was hurtful, for example. If things go wrong, he'll even downplay the emotion/reaction (e.g. "that's completely exaggerated" or "Yeah, sure, I know I'm the bad dad"). Personally, I find it best to ignore him completely, but he doesn't understand if he's done something wrong or something, and then he comes back two minutes later and asks what's wrong.
Actually, the only thing that works is to allow his behavior and act as if everything is fine, but I just can't do that (anymore)…
What kind of behavior is this? What should I do?
(I am 18)
Thanks
(4 votes)
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I read the question and also some answers.
If the father doesn’t want to change, you can’t change it either.A family job, i.e. therapy lesson or the like, only uses if everyone shows an insight. Your father doesn’t want, he feels like it is.
At the end of the day, your mother carries this, because not only she married him, she always accepted it as he is. And she doesn’t draw any consequences from it, because maybe you’re looking after her husband.
You can’t do anything here.
Learn more, do your education or study and either you live there with in the household or you watch yourself do yourself. Don’t worry about your mother. She’s grown-up and has other things that she wants to stay with your father.
You know how unimportant he is your opinion. So turn around the Spiess and learn to deal with it, which you don’t have to worry about.
The insulted liverworst to play (you can’t play anymore) is not adult and doesn’t help anyone.
You can ask him why he’s so hurtful. But really ask, and best not in THIS situation, but a day later or something. And let him talk. If you want to know if he is capable of a remorseous answer, then you have to let him talk, regardless of what you feel. Let him really talk, no matter what he says and think about it later. If he ever sees such a conversation.
If not, then you have to tell him that his positive feelings for him, his interest for you as a son is so slow but surely cooled.
For more, you must be out of the critical situation. This is extremely important.
Sometimes a letter or note will help you write as it comes to you emotionally and then write to him, you don’t understand why he does. You can write to him that he doesn’t listen to you in a conversation, and you hope he reads it. Something like that. In your style.
Thanks for the answer
My mother often talks to me about it. She’s unsafe, too. She actually wanted to wait until we moved out and if he still behaves like that. She also does not want that to happen in the middle of the abi by my brother (next year, this year I do).
The therapist of my mother meant that he actually needs to be treated several times a week so that it gets better etc
then the therapist YOUR mother should make it clear that one who does not want to go into therapy will not be better.
Your mother will barely separate from her husband after your excerpt. Because she's always going to push something to not do that.
It's absolutely not right your mother's talking to you about it. 18 years back or back – this is your parents' marriage and I don't understand that your mother's therapist can't make it clear that she has to keep you out in terms of her own attitude to the subject. It's not a good feeling for you and your brother, because she gives you the responsibility that she can't separate herself.
I'm getting your mother unhappy, but here I have to blame the therapist. Or your mother doesn't listen to what the therapist discusses with her. Unfortunately, it is also the case that not every therapist fits every family with his concept.! Anyway, you're not going to step on like that. none of you, all for the cat. And you're not responsible for it or you can change it.
Your mother abuses you and your brother as a buddy and friend and advisor. A role you (so you and your brother) have neither to have nor to have!!!! nor to get. You are the children (in this view the age of fullness is very irrelevant!) and as such mother does not behave. Sorry to say so clearly.
Well, as it sounded. Yes and it is abuse of psychic way when mother uses you as counselor. That’s how it sounded. For example, I don’t think it’s good that your mother is addressing the time when she likes to have a separation and what reasons she speaks about it. If you can talk to her, it’s okay, but vice versa, it shouldn’t be.
And as for your brother and Abi, it’s not good if you and your mother have problems with the father. He seems to be another guy, but then he gets a break. Perhaps he can concentrate better when a clear line is inside and not constantly this seeker and the mutual hacking from Father to you (and in the case, too). Have you ever thought about how burdensome a situation can be? Maybe that’s the reason the brother doesn’t want much to do with it.
You really write from your perspective, but when I read it, I see not only you, but also what your mother could do, your father, your brother.
This perspective is missing, of course, and in any case it is not helpful if everyone here writes: pull out or talk to your father.
You don’t get out of the number, and it’s your mother’s job to take the scepter in the hand, and make a clear ship. But it cannot, I think, do not change in the future if it does not change.
I am not asking the question of guilt, but what can be done to get out of this situation. Now to repeat like a pickle: my father would have to, he should not help you and your mother anything.
If I would call something misuse or the like, which would be hard, but if the behavior of my father
That’s not true with my mother. You know that my father would not allow a therapy etc.
She doesn’t blame us in any way. And yet, she said that it probably won’t be any more and it’s going to be segregated. But then she can wait another 1 year, because of course that would burden my brother, etc if he is just in abi.
She’s not pulling us in. My brother has no problem with my father either. He’s not really talking to my mother about it. It’s different with me and it’s good to talk to her about it…
You’re glad you can leave. You’re all year round.
Employees cannot change their boss, the people not his government and children not their parents.
If a person can change others at all. But you don’t need to be an adult.
You should put together from my point of view and communicate openly or learn the latter..
This seems to be a big problem in your family
No, it’s my father. He does not understand other views etc
Ne family therapy had changed my mother, but this is very likely not.
Communication is a question of reciprocity. everything else is simply debt assignments and these are just wrong communication.
In between, do not understand and want to understand, worlds are in turn.
So your statement only agrees with my father, with the understanding etc being the problem and not the communication
That’s what we do. We can’t do that for him
in the example, a clear communication, e.g. But you see that you hurt me, even if it doesn’t seem so bad for you. I/we would see an apology as appropriate instead of playing the subject down.
I don’t think so.
My father does not understand other wise and cannot see his wrong decisions, no matter how much you try to explain it to him.
When I tell him that hurt me or that was embarrassing me or I was ashamed because you said that, he comes with things like that was not bad, be not so, etc. There comes germ apology or something
You can no longer explain etc than we already do (and indeed all) but it doesn’t work anyway. This is the problem