How does the story begin?
I tried to make the chaos at the beginning tangible and a bit confusing. But I also wanted it to be curious about what happens next.
It's a very long piece and not quite finished yet. The spelling isn't correct either. I welcome criticism and suggestions for improvement. Thank you.
The trumpets sounded. Screams and shouts rang out everywhere. The whole town panicked and ran towards the center. Joseph ran into the hat. "Tabita!" desperate screams echoed through the small thatched-roof hut. Tabitha came into the entrance area. With wide, frightened green eyes she stared at Joseph. In a weak voice and completely out of breath, he said: "The Xevcha have attacked." Tears well up in Tabitha's eyes. They had feared that the Xevcha, a people from the mountains, would attack. Nevertheless, the attack came so suddenly and the chaos so overwhelming that for a long time neither of them could understand what was going on. The two had already prepared for the attack and knew what to do. Tabitha fetched the two children from the living room. They were lying on a haystack covered with a dirty cloth. Tabita fetched several cloths and wrapped her children lovingly but quickly. She held them protectively in her arms. With the children in her arms, she went to Joseph. He kissed the three and hugged Tabitha. The fear of losing them made Joseph's anger flash. Outside, swords could be heard clashing. A woman screamed in despair and children could be heard crying. Joseph ran out of the hut and grabbed a scythe. He looked back and saw Tabitha's eyes trying to smile at Joseph. He quickly looked away and ran down the hill. Then Tabitha got Joseph's coat, tied it around herself and hid both children under her clothes. Then she ran out of the hat. She didn't know where to go, she only knew she had to get away. A glance down the hill told her that some men had formed an alliance to fight the Xevchar troops. But their weapons were weak and they stood almost no chance against the armor-clad Xevchans. The thought that Joseph was one of them broke her heart. She ran around the hut and then ran into the woods. Completely out of breath, she leaned against a fir tree. Where should she go? She knew this forest. There was a path in the middle through which carriages often drove; the rest of the forest was quite dense and dark, perfect for hiding. On. She had already taken a break for too long. She ran up another hill. From here, she could see the path. She would use that as a rough guide. From a distance, she heard horses trotting and men shouting. Suddenly, she stumbled and slid down the slope. The children beneath her clothes began to cry. "Shh, be quiet!" She covered her mouth with her hands. Her hands were shaking. She quickly stood up. Don't turn around, just keep running, Tabita thought…
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You definitely chose a good scene for the start. It's an exciting scenario. The city is attacked, chaos, death, despair, all flee in different directions.
Just for a prologue, I'd find something so lonely.
For the first chapter, it depends on whether to continue. In terms of chapter technology, I find it a little short and, as I said, it would be ideal for the prologue. But these are subtleties. If there is a jump in time between what comes after this (for example, that it reaches the next village after days of the hike) I would consider whether I do not want to move this into a prologue.
In any case, you can also bring in some descriptions that underline that make the reader a little more round and give him the opportunity to get a 'gone picture'. For example, you have matching acoustic elements.
However, this whole 'magic of mood around the characters' could be reinforced by entering a little more into the figure and reporting from their perspective.
At the beginning, I was not sure who your focus is, because there was a lot of focus on Josef, only to the end came out that it is probably more tabita, because we follow it.
I would go to Tabitha alone at the beginning and really drive the whole rail. She's scared, she hears the screams from outside. Rumbling cars with which people try to secure their belongings, crying children, panicking women. Desperate calls for the remaining soldiers of the City Guard (or whatever) to re-form while others push towards the city center or outskirts because nobody knows how to best escape the evil of the nearby soldiers.
She is also afraid of Josef and the children. She may not just sit there, but cuddles the children themselves (which I would not just let sleep somewhere in the corner if the city is overrun) or alternatively a bundle of belongings.
In short, let the reader EQUALLY enter completely into the feelings of your main character at the beginning. They're incredibly strong right now…use them!
Try to use suitable adjectives in any case. Why NOT Tabita on Joseph when the city is overrun and she should actually flee?
Of course, when they go to him, I'd like a little explanation in all the fears. For example, she does not want to lose her dignity even in moments like this. A true woman sends her husband to the fight with the firm conviction that he returns and that does not give up at this moment.
As I said… try to bring us, as a reader, into the thoughts and feelings of your character, rather than simply on the description of 'they did that, then she did that'. This can be done from time to time (not every scene is so emotionally charged), but here, as I said, would be a focus on their experience, their feelings, their beneficial thoughts. She may not run down the hill, but she will flee from the attackers, from the shrines of women, whose fate she does not want to paint herself. When the weak weapons of their city bounce off the thick armor of the attackers without leaving the smallest damage, etc.
With a pure description of action, the tension is also lost in moments like its short stumbling, because it is just there, the reader takes note of it and then thinks his part.
For the review, I would give you a few smaller tips on individual passages.
You can definitely get that in a minute. Whether it's important for THIS scene again to explain where the Xevcha comes from. Another thing (always the two have more important to do). I might let it flow in differently because of 'the guns crashed from the armors of the mountain dwellers without causing damage', but that is a small thing.
However, I do something hard with this 'they have feared', 'attack so abruptly that they didn't know what was going on', 'but they are already prepared and know what to do'.
Apart from the tense error (what was wrong) I know what you want, but in my eyes it is not beautifully shaped because it sounds a bit like contradiction.
Here too, 'show don't tell would offer'. He comes in, she falls on him, falls into his arms because she's glad he's here. He then reminds them of what they have agreed. And from their point of view, like this one, of course. We were expecting an attack and we were prepared. By this reaction you see as a reader that she didn't think of it first… So you don't have to write that extra.
Otherwise, I'd think I'd let the Josef Blick stuff out. As I said, concentrate on Tabitha, who can actually see and experience everything that comes in this section and naturally interact with Josef, he can say what's going on. But the 'blitzing his anger' must now be net and if, from Tabitha's point of view, it fills them with pride or fear.
She knows he will fight until the end to defend her and the children. So she owes him to do everything to secure the three of them.
A small thing: numbers up to and including twelve, please write out:)
And you're on a good way. The scenery is exciting:) You've already found some good acoustic aspects, for example… now from the point of view of the emotional chaos of our characters and you're really getting everything out of the mood that you can get out:)
I wish you great success and all love 🙂
Thank you for the detailed answer.
With Joseph I have the problem that he later actually goes into the forest and finds Tabita death there and only finds the children alive and hidden.
Do you think I should then change the perspectives of installations and, as you said, focus on Tabita?
How did you plan that? Would it be just after this scene or would it be half the book and before there are a lot of Tabitha scenes?
Please 🙂
Thank you
Oh, the body fits. The average reader on Wattpad, Fanfiction.de and Co is more used.
As for the scene… I might really do it so that you can only let her escape to the edge of the forest, she runs into the forest and then you put a cut, maybe she thinks of Josef again.
The tension in itself is already given, because one wants to know as a reader how it goes on with Josef and where Tabitha now passes.
But in any case, prologue with focus on them, unless you really want to describe the whole thing from Josef's point of view. If you can, he'll send his wife to the forest. But I have no problem with how it is.
Then KÖNNTEST after the prologue (so that the prologue property would also fit) change the view of Josef and the reader can then find with him what happened to Tabitha and is at the moment in which he finds it ultimately as flattened as Josef.
You don't have to show the murder in the prologue and thereby miss the reader a knowledge advantage before Josef. Let the reader calmly have the same hope that Joseph also drives, namely that Tabitha and the children have survived.
I just mentioned that this is the prologue. Later in history it is more about the children
It's all in the prologue. So Tabitha hides the children and the men will find them and kill them. Josef survives and searches her later in the forest. Then he finds Tabita and later the two children. Maybe I'll leave the body, so he'll only find the kids so it won't get so cruel