Habe ich einen Fehler gemacht (Mutter-Tochter)?
Im Sommer bin ich mit meinem Freund früher vom Besuch meiner Mutter und ihrem Partner abgereist. Mir ging es in seiner Anwesenheit einfach schlecht und ich habe davor immer versucht ihr Dinge zu nennen, die mich stören und an denen sie mit ihm eventuell arbeiten kann (keine Ausländerbeledigungen, keine AFD Parolen auf mein Handy schicken usw…).
Dann hatten wir 3 Monate keinen Kontakt. Danach hat sie mir einen sehr enttäuschten Brief geschrieben und meinte, sie weiß nicht wie es mit uns weitergehen soll. Zu meinem Geburtstag kam nur eine Nachricht von ihr.
Ich weine mich seit Monaten oft in den Schlaf. Ich habe ihr auf ihren Brief geantwortet, wie sehr ich sie liebe und dass ich sie nicht verlieren will. Dass sie nur bitte meine Entscheidung tolerieren soll, dass ich mit ihrem Partner in Zukunft keinen Kontakt mehr haben will. Sie hat mir darauf wieder geschrieben, dass sie nicht versteht, wie sehr ich Leute, die sie liebt verletzen kann und dass sie keinen Ausweg für uns sieht, wenn ich so intolerant bin. Sie kann sich einfach keine Zukunft mit uns vorstellen, so wie es ist.
Denkt ihr, ich liege im Unrecht? Muss ich mit 29 wirklich noch den Freund meiner Mutter in meinem Leben akzeptieren? Ist es nicht ein egoistischer Gedanke von ihr? Ich will sie treffen oder telefonieren, aber sie geht nicht ran, will sich aktuell nicht treffen. Ich weiß einfach nicht mehr weiter.
(5 votes)
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It’s pretty sure that you’re right, at least in my opinion, only use no one.
Your mother fell in love with an idiot, you can’t change that.
Your mother is curiously expecting you to find him well just because she loves him. That’s stupid.
If you make good mine to the evil game, then you’ll peu a peu will hate every ride to your mother more because you’re out of love for her to the idiot and don’t appreciate it.
In the worst case, your mother still accepts his ideas, then you hate the way, you hate the mother’s friend and you begin to hate the mother.
Who’s served with it?
Tell the mother clipp and realize that you love her and want her to be happy with her partner, but you can neither bear nor want her partner’s Nazi couples. If she can’t accept that, then at least it’s clear who you inherited your alleged intolerance.
I’m just completely desperate. I have already offered everything: to make calls that I visit them that they visit me. I gave her a lot of time to process everything, told her how important she is to me and how much I love her. Everything doesn’t help, I just don’t know anymore
Your mother has entered an emotional trap, is mentally nebulized by her lover, apparently no more objective assessment of the situation is possible.
Book it under the labeling process. Vlt. gets her from the idiot soon enough and puts him in the door.
Honest answer:
Sad and then hack the relationship and take care of your life.
It is also not different than the love grief after another relationship. It’ll go after someday.
I don’t understand why people say your mother is right. you are 29, have your own life. if you can’t accept the partner of your mother (can I not) this is in order and that should also respect your mother. you don’t tell her to separate herself, but only that you don’t want to contact him, and that’s completely in order. is a pity to your mother’s bond, but sometimes it’s just how it plays. it gets better after a while, but I wouldn’t let a bad thing say to you. you have to act like you’re okay, and if he doesn’t do you well, keep him at distance so he doesn’t affect you negatively.
would nevertheless go to family meetings and so, but simply walk away from him
This is your life and you decide who takes a place in it and who does not. Sometimes also with the consequence of hurting people you do not want to hurt at all. You can now choose, you’ll be counting on your mother because you don’t want to contact her companion, or you’ll find a way to tolerate the companion of life. You don’t have to live with him and don’t have a close relationship with him. You can also give him the forehead when you think he writes inappropriate messages. How often do you see each other? I mean, isn’t that possible to get through a comparatively short time somehow with resentment?
Maybe your mother needs a while to realize that she doesn’t have the right partner on her side. But she has to find out. It is not up to you to say this to her or to treat it downgrading.
I don’t think a goodbye with him will be possible after he called me a social and the last and then blocked.
You don’t have social media for such idiots.
From what you say, I would have made it quite similar.
After my experience, you can’t talk to some people rationally, or the views are so extremely contradictory… then it only helps to stop the discussion when it comes to the difficult topics. If everyone sticks to it, there are hardly any problems. But the train’s gone long ago.
I don’t feel your behavior, but your mother’s behavior is injuring. She’s not a Siamese twin with her partner. Even if you don’t come to her for Christmas, for example, you could still meet some coffee, just you two. That she refuses this is incomprehensible. Is it more important to her to take her partner anywhere than to see her daughter?
Some parents force their little children to fully adapt to self-tasting. Otherwise, love draw threatens. Luckily, you’re grown up and you don’t have to do that. I’d say you tried everything, and now leave her alone. That’s all you can do. Who doesn’t want it? For Christmas and birthday, you could send her a card, but no long letters. Then she realizes you’re still good at her. Maybe she’s resting on getting back sometime. And if not, don’t stop.
Take care of people who do good to you. Go your own ways. It’s much better. I wish you all the best!
Thank you for your answer. Unfortunately, in reality, it is not so easy to walk away and to make his thing easy. Especially because we used to be so close and talked about everything and were almost like best friends. Well, since she lives in the new relationship, there is no pure mother’s daughter relationship. Even before the fight we never met alone or when the two were visiting, I had no 5 min alone with my mother
You mix too much into your mother’s private thing….just try and think differently, so if your mother would interfere in your private life and your partner. I don’t think you’d let your partner get mad.
If you don’t want your mother’s friend to send you any messages then tell IHM that and if he doesn’t, then just lock him up, your mother doesn’t have anything to do. If his polit. Setting disturbed, with 29 you should know what tolerance is and how democrat. I understand.
I’m tolerating him as her friend. Do I have to meet him?
I definitely think you’re right! Of course, your mom is right to a partner she loves, but just as it is her duty to be there as her mom. But you don’t have to be satisfied with your choice!
It’s similar to my friend. He cannot suffer his stepfather for various reasons and also absolutely denies contact with him. It was difficult at first, but it’s been getting started. He’s on the phone with his mom and she’s coming to visit us in our apartment alone. On his birthday, she comes to us alone. We haven’t entered his mom’s house for two years. It’s kind of stupid, of course, but that’s how it’s gotten in and it’s better for everyone involved. We don’t talk about the stepfather anymore, we just ignore the problem and don’t talk about it because then there would be a fight.
I would like to contact you again and ask them to come to visit you even if it is by letter. Maybe you’ll leave some time for your mind to cool off.
But stay strong and I wish you the best!
I’m just so desperate because my messages to them are always full of love and they just destroy me with every other message.
Well, then your messages are coming on like emotional extortion? A mother doesn’t really like that…all if she knows exactly you don’t accept her boyfriend
I’m really sorry. Maybe your mom’s gonna have some time again. I hope for you
Then you didn’t get it
You’re disgusting. Yes in her life, I accept him. Why in mine? What do I have to do with him? Why can’t I decide with soon 30 free who I spend time with and leave my way?
Yeah… you must, it’s her life.
Again: Do I have to accept her friend in my life? Or is it not enough if I accept him as her friend, but I wish a relationship with him without him?
Breaking contact just because the partner doesn’t fit you is not a solution. You could have just told him that you don’t want any messages or ignore what he writes. Are you a foreigner or your friend and he insults you personally? His political attitude has nothing to do with your mother. Of course, that’s stupid if someone thinks completely different than you do, but there are certain other topics you can talk about.
My friend is a foreigner. I’ve tried it for a long time, it didn’t work, so I decided to have no more contact with him in the future
Hmm okay, it’s more difficult, of course. What does your mother suggest how to go on?
She said what she wants.
Under the conditions, you prefer not to contact you anymore.
The problem is that you seem to need it more than she needs you.
Believe me, this changes again when you have children, and she’s grandma, and that’s why she can’t have contact with your grandchildren.
You don’t have to have a bad conscience. Tell her that you can find the shame and she is always a welcome visit to you. But if she doesn’t want to accept it that way, that’s the way.
I accept that he is her friend and that they are happy. Do I always have to see them two? Do I even have to see him? Why am I forced to do that? Where is the tolerance? She doesn’t say what she wants and what she gets. It does not communicate solution-oriented
If you don’t want to lose your mother, you’ll have to accept her friend that way. Let him talk, remember your part and don’t let you provoke. You don’t see him every day. You cannot call all foreigners good or bad, as everywhere there are both sides. Maybe your mother’s partner had bad experiences. Maybe you can meet your mother alone and try to find compromises. What exactly does she expect from you?
She doesn’t make any suggestions, she just says she doesn’t know how to continue with someone who is as intolerant as I am.
As anyone can say here that your mother is in righteousness to me.
If your mother accepts and enriches radical views of the companion of life, this is worrying, but ultimately her thing. “Just give me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are” it says.
Of course you should keep in touch. Clamping out the friend completely will hardly go. Perhaps there is a compromise where the friend does not want to express his views and you can also be five.
Your mother should consider that she can have another partner at any time, but never another child.
All the best
If you don’t want to get in touch with him, you’ll have to live with the fact that you won’t see your mother anymore. live with your decision
That’s absurd? The mother’s daughter relationship is something completely separate
What is that bullshit? A mother’s daughter relationship is not to compare with a partnership. Men come and go, mother stays for a lifetime. If a mother is not allowed to meet her daughter alone, or wants, she has basically not understood something in life or is extremely influenced by her partner.
I’m the mother of two adult daughters and if I have a partner and this one of my children calls a social one, he’s flying faster than he can think. It’s not like that.
But both are wrong!
You both demand great understanding from others – but you are stubborn in your opinion!
Yes, your mother’s friend is also part of your life – that doesn’t stay!
How would you like to celebrate holidays, birthdays or otherwise together? Do you want to invite mother, but only if she doesn’t bring him and spend Christmas anyway? Would you drive if your partner would sit at home?
I don’t!
I think you need to learn urgently to pacify your mother’s friend! You don’t have to like him, don’t need to be with him, can block his number at what’s etc. — but you have to make him politely “be there”
Just like your mother has to learn that you don’t like him
You don’t have to accept your mother’s partner but only tolerate.
Just when you see them two. If you don’t mind what he sends you, you should tell him and don’t go to your mother to discuss it. If that doesn’t help when you talk to him, just block it.
I think you’re bringing your mother into a very nice forced situation, as you want to see her, but only without her companion.
Maybe it looks like you want her to choose between you two, and that’s why she reacted so rejectively.
You can put your visits with her so that he doesn’t stand at home. If he works differently like your mother or something.
But not wanting to see him completely is not realistic. If you see him, you can limit the conversation to the courtesy between fellow human beings and, in addition, only talk to your mother.
If you have other views like him, you can also depate about it. In my family we also have all sorts of political views and then discuss Human about it. With us this is all fun and if you are 29 years old, obviously your mother and her partner is also in an age where you can do that. (of course I don’t know what everyone likes/interessed)
I don’t think a goodbye with him will be possible after he called me a social and the last and then blocked.
Well, I guess you’ve already had quite a deficate. But you’re not about him but about your mother, are you? so you should look for a compromise with her how you can handle this without someone feeling uncomfortable or having to do something he doesn’t want
I can’t judge him. That’s why I say deficits instead of something else. everything else does not seem to me
What deficits? He is intolerant and has no respect for me
Sometimes you have to break the contact if you don’t care.
Your mother hangs on her boyfriend and you can’t suffer him. She must accept that. But you also have to accept that she’s hanging on him.
Write her a letter and if she doesn’t want to contact you, you have to accept it. You can’t force anything.
I’d agree with Meandor, mourning for your mother’s loss and then knock it off. It’s your life.
This is not about who is right!
You can be different and still understand yourself if you simply accept the opinions of the other. No matter what this is all about
And if you don’t want to contact the friend, you don’t have it. Partners are not physically mixed together and can therefore also appear independently of one another.
Yeah, but I mean, I don’t have the right to have a cot with him, do I? I also accept my mother’s opinion that she loves him and wants to be with him, but I cannot understand why she does not tolerate my opinion and says that she does not see a future for both of us.
Again. It’s not about having “right.” As long as you see it as a thing that you have an ANRECHT, you don’t come to a green branch.
Talk to each other.
She lives 800km away with him. I have already told her that I am not right, and that I tolerate her opinion, but that she must also tolerate mine
No, she has only the same position as you, too, that should have a right here.
You know where to find them if you want to reach them.
I want to talk. She boycotts the contact yes
Here I see neither right nor wrong.
This is a difficult situation for each of you emotionally.
It’s difficult. But I can totally understand you. There’s stuff like that. Parents violate their children. Children do not have to accept everything to their parents, but even have the right (and also the duty) to renegotiate from them. These AfD-Heinis are, among other things, so annoying because they are so missionary. All of them want to convince you of their crest. Toad around.
I think they want to be loved. Your mother’s doing the favor, but you’re under no obligation. But it is very good and very important (even very painful for you) that you draw clear limits.
I wish you a lot of strength, stamina, and many good friends who catch you.
With 29 not yet learned that you have to respect the decisions of others?
It’s none of your business.
Just meeting without him.
Yeah, I do. She doesn’t want it.
She will know why
I don’t think this is a matter of law.
You have your opinion, and your mother should have nothing to do with it. She behaves rather childish and immature if she believes that contact with her own daughter is only possible if she fully accepts her partner. It seems quite subdue to what is not a good concept for a healthy relationship. And “sweating” that she speaks of tolerance.
Personally, I would rather have a (additional) problem with my mother if she is dealing with Nazis (and yes, for me, the A** and her followers Nazis are, that can meanwhile no longer be nice in my eyes).
From: Why would you tolerate his political opinion? Why does he have to bother you with this? He could simply stop it and then it would not be a big problem to leave politics out in normal everyday dealing with each other. You meet, you talk about the weather, you say goodbye again. End. The fact that you otherwise have to accept a new partner of your mother like a father figure cannot really be the idea of your mother….
You’re good and your mother’s gonna be better.
Yeah, it’s not about right, that’s right. But it’s about ‘right’ that I already think I can decide who I have contact with and who I don’t. It’s obvious that I’m tolerating him as my mother’s friend at the same time. I don’t want to change that either. But I’m so shocked that she just doesn’t see a solution for us – which in turn means she doesn’t see a life where we have two contacts and he stays outside
Maybe she’ll be full 24/7 and doesn’t realize she’s been brainwashed by now. He seems to have a great influence on her
Yes, that was also my impression from your writing – and therefore the assumption that it completely subordinates itself to your respective partner and gives up her own me (and even her child) questionlessly. I think that is more than questionable and highly worrying. His political sentiment is rather secondary.
But the new partner also seems to be quite right – otherwise nothing would be easier for him than to act on your mother, to reconcile with you and to take yourself out.
You have no duty as a daughter.
Then it should be. Your mother must have decided. Then I guess it’s still in the talks. What else do you want to do?
She never responded to it, even though I sent her a screenshot at the time. She thinks it’s okay because I’m not tolerating him in my life. I’ve never sent him a bad news. I’ve only always talked to my mother in confidence how I’m going with him and that I can’t bear it in the future.
Oh, very grown-up, the Lord. What about your mother? I think this relationship is always questionable…
Well, he blocked me and called me the last of all and as a social in his message. I hardly think there can be a Christmas together
Well, but the two live together, right? You won’t be able to get him out. To put aside political issues, you should get ahead and if he doesn’t stick to it, your mother has at least a hint that it’s not up to you… You already have the complete contact termination almost now and this is obviously not what you want. So a compromise has to be reached (at least for a time). Maybe you would have the opportunity to speak your mother for yourself and discuss the way for further dealing.
I don’t want to see him at Christmas. I know this is hard, but I don’t know. I’m happy to visit my mother at Christmas, but without him.
No, actually not – because you don’t have to tolerate intolerance. And what ER propagates is pure intolerance. It’s actually ridiculous to even spur on tolerance.
And your mother should have enough autonomy to meet you without him. Where’s the problem? If there are larger family meetings, on special occasions (Christmas, birthdays,…), then you will meet with partners (you like them) – and otherwise you will stay among you. I don’t see a bigger topic.
But – as already written – your mother seems to be in dependencies that do not allow her to deal with the situation. And she has to get herself out of there. At the moment she pushes you to black Peter (full frustration and self-made disappointment) without recognizing that SIE holds the levers to a good handling with you (or should hold).
Are you intolerant of me if I don’t want any more contact with him? If I had to sit this as a good towel and at least be present or is it too much?
I don’t think there’s much left. You can always offer her the conversation at intervals, but I don’t see much more. The rest must come from her. She is an adult woman who should be able to identify the consequences of her actions and to set priorities.
I really don’t know what to do in this place. She accuses me that we don’t talk about everything as usual anymore, but don’t give me the chance to speak personally. She didn’t answer to a message for 3 months, then a bitter letter came in which she only makes me preliminary woes, I don’t hear any more love out just how much I hurt her, how little I know her, etc. I really don’t know what’s still in my power.
You don’t have to accept a dirt pile that insults you with right-wing slogans.
Your mother either understands it or she doesn’t understand it. If she doesn’t understand, she’s just gonna have to watch how she gets along with the Nazi pig. I wouldn’t let you see me there anymore.
He said at the table that he is glad that no blacks live in the house and how bad it is that the hotel is now inhabited by refugees. And I’m the intolerant?
I didn’t say anything like that. Nobody forces you to give up with that guy.
No I know you didn’t say it 🙂