Equality as parents?
My husband (31) and I (25) have been a couple for 5 years and parents for 2 years.
We were very happy for the first three years. We could let things go, we didn't have to cook every day, and if something was left uncooked, it wasn't a big deal. We could even sleep in together, etc.
Of course, this changed with the birth of our child. One of us has to get up early in the morning and make breakfast, one has to cook lunch, one has to keep the house in order (…)
And unfortunately, that's always me. I was able to sleep in a total of five times in those two years. Three times I was so sick that I couldn't get up.
My husband works three days a week, working late and night shifts. Of course, I let him sleep in in the mornings, but the rest of the time, I'd like him to get up with the little one at least once or twice a week.
Even the housework is essentially left entirely to me. My requests (like folding laundry or taking out the trash regularly) are ignored until it leads to an argument, or sometimes even until I HAVE to do the chores myself.
I've had countless conversations with my husband about how I'm simply not happy and how I'd like some relief in the household (it would be possible if he at least didn't leave his things everywhere but put them away instead…).
How are things going for you? What would you do? Simply accept that you're fighting a losing battle and grit your teeth every day, or accept the consequences? And if so, what would those consequences be?
I'm really grateful for tips..
(2 votes)
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It would help you both have a conversation. Both sides are best positively involved in the conversation and want to find a good solution for both sides. :
This is a widespread problem that always arises. So you’re not alone with it!
I would make your husband, after you have already had countless conversations without a result, hard to choose. Either he takes more and contributes his share of family life and household or that was it. I know that this is a radical measure and wants to be well thought out. The fact is that he obviously does not respect you as much as it would be necessary. And there’s the rabbit in the pepper! He won’t change because he doesn’t see any reason. You’ve had it for too long. He will only wake up when you don’t play your previous role.
Good luck!
Thank you. Yes I have actually spoken to him two weeks ago that if no change is to be missed, I do not want to continue this relationship. He was mad. Did tumble and say I wanted to take our child’s father. It’s not like that. I have always said it should be separated; I want our son to have mother and father and not become a ping-pong ball.
Even Christmas, etc, I would continue to celebrate with my husband and child. In contrast to the “continuous” view, I find that one can still be parents together after a separation and should maintain a friendly, peaceful relationship.
That he responded “sour” is a completely normal behavior in such men! He wants to push the black Peter to DIR. Honestly, you’re young. You want to do that kind of guy for the rest of your life? Child back or back You can only be a good mother if you’re happy! And you’re not at all. Unfortunately, in my 20s I also made the mistake of sticking to a relationship that was absolutely not worth it. Did my best years give away to a man who didn’t care for me and my needs. That seems to be the case with you. Your husband is an egoist and egoist prefers to hack both hands before they change for someone (and be it your own wife).
I wish you all the best and much strength!
You can find what you want and I can see that.
But unfortunately it does seem as good as never.
As your husband reacts, I would suspect that it would not work with you if you separated yourself.
You need to know what you’re doing. However: “Image Book Family”- there is only in the picture book. These are dreams from which many (so you belong to it unfortunately) suddenly wake up and face reality. I can fully understand your concerns, because I have been a single mother for 17 years. Nevertheless, I would do it again and again. For I do not think of giving an image to the outside, which in truth does not exist. I experienced this as a child with my parents. It’s self-deception. And believe me, children get much more with us than we think adults! Even toddlers! And two years of “deep phase” are far too much for such a young marriage. Evtl. helps you couple therapy. That’s what BEIDE must really want and work on itself. I don’t know how this is with you.
Thank you for the words. You could be right. but it really hard for me to draw a real line. After all, I love him even if we have a real “low phase” for 2 years. And I don’t know how to run without him either. I’m financially dependent on the parental period and still have the beautiful picture of the “Bilderbuch” family in the head I don’t want to give up. (Image Book =Papa and Mama love, take care of the family and live happy to the end of their days..)
I am not a divorced child myself, and I have been talking to some friends whose parents have separated. No one has said that the separation of parents has made life simpler or more beautiful.
Your husband doesn’t take you seriously. He thinks he’s a father and he’s doing enough to read something to his child, and finally he works for the whole family.
Just because you’re in parenthood, you don’t have to worry about everything and stand constantly. You have a right to leisure, on your own hobbies and child-free time, which everyone needs to refuel and to bring up the energy to fulfill his numerous tasks. You’ve tried mere talking, now a greedy with deeds.
His laundry remains unwashed, you hear your child scream, but don’t ride. You make an appointment with friends and go away. He must feel and realize what you do and where he doesn’t support you.
If that doesn’t bring anything except screams and accusations, go away. Take your child and take off, give him time to think.
He must understand how you feel, he must work on himself. It’s not enough. The budget is inseparable and joint ventures take place only when family peace is given.
In fact, I’ve done something with friends in the last few weeks… since then he’s pretending to be the raven mother and literally said “I’m not your babysitter.” I fell off faith, after all he was the father, and he wanted this child so hard. He’s only annoyed since then and radiates it..
Sit on neutral ground, go to a cozy restaurant and tell him open, but without accusation, what does not fit you in your relationship.
If he truly wants you and the child and loves you, it should be a need for him to be good for you.
But if he doesn’t even want to talk, something seems to be lazy.
You need to know what you want and what you can do.
Ask yourself if it makes sense if the partner refuses the conversation.Who do you want to wake up, someone who just lives his twitter?
To get it to the point, you just didn’t realize that your husband isn’t a guy to marry and get kids.
Apparently, he doesn’t even think about wanting to be a father..
What you should do, you must know yourself.
He’s a father. With the little games he does when he sleeps and it “fits him”. He changes the diaper. But then it stops.
Is my opinion that if you live in a household together, you should take both tasks in the household so “inverted”?
I get with other families that even the father makes the laundry or the like – despite 40h week…
Your partner is husband and father according to the principle of pleasure.. Nothing you can rely on and even not to recognize benevolence and fairness.
How would you go to the situation to make him aware of something?
You talk and talk, but it doesn’t matter.
Don’t cook food for him, listen to washing his laundry.
At the latest when he has nothing to wear, he has to take care of himself.
Hotel Mami is over.
I have to grin. The problem was, unfortunately, that the laundry collected in the corner and finally I snapped in after 2 weeks; at least I don’t want to sleep in a bedroom full of dirty laundry… :/
I also had to grin because I would also give this tip to mothers 😉
Yeah, you have to go through that. Your relationship is at stake and therefore your child’s happiness. And that’s more important than to have four weeks of dirty laundry. You can also throw the laundry somewhere else or put it in a bag. Don’t wash. Don’t worry about him shopping etc. Take care of the child and yourself.
That’s hard.
It must be organized well.
How many hours a week do you work professionally?
I submitted the complete 3 years of parental leave until my son goes to kindergarten. From the “half-day” salary of my husband and the child’s money we’ll get well over the rounds.
First my husband said he wanted to stay home with that little one year. But I’ll get it under and over if I’m only sick for two days. Our son is supplied, but the apartment is after the 48h where I didn’t make anything here really in the catastrophic state…
So you don’t work professionally at the time.
Is it fair to get him extra work?
So you’re dissatisfied and mock when your husband does something – because he doesn’t make it right in your eyes.
It’s no wonder he doesn’t have anything to do.
I just see breaks inside. Only a few activities require continuous work. If you look out as a job, it won’t surprise me how to get 13.5 hours.
Your daily routine is like a mother with a child, but if I had deposited such a determined “reality” here, it remains to be doubtful!
You have a man and a child. Well, that doesn’t look so bad.
It is also a mystery to me why food remains are on the ground. Isn’t your child eating at the table?
Your husband obviously didn’t do anything in the house before. How do you get the absurd idea that it would be different after the child?
… You have no idea how an apartment with my family looks when no dishes are flushed for 48 hours, no toys are laid away, eating remains are not wiped off the floor etc (…)
You seem to have no children.. a normal day looks as follows.
6.30 stand up, wrap, dress, make bed, prepare breakfast
7. 15 breakfasts + children “feed” or start eating
Clean up 8 o’clock kitchen, wipe out the table, clean up the essentials from the floor, clean up the dishwasher, sort the laundry and make up, involve children with it (so that it can’t do anything else)
10 a.m. for shopping or a round to the playground depending on whether there is still food for lunch
11.30 Prepare lunch
12/12.15 Food
13 eat away from the floor, clean up the table, clean up washing machine, hang up laundry, hang up, fold
14-16.30 outside with the little one on the playground, cycling, maintaining equal contacts or playing indoor in bad weather with Lego, painting, crafting… of course afterwards clean up
17 home “Obst” snibble or prepare other snacks, bathe as needed,
18 evening bread make and eat, clean up and start the dishwasher, free the floor again from eating.
19 o’clock child in bed
19.30 Dust sucking as soon as the small sleeps, possibly wiping. Wipe dust as needed, clean up the cat.
20 o’clock ready.
This is how a day looks like a mother with a toddler. What you know, of course, if your opinion is based on real experiences.
MyBaer2328 has already written it, as a mother you are usually available 24/7 for his child and when it is awake you are busy with him. In fact, a nearly 100 hd week comes together quickly, in which when the child still has a baby or very small is also “readiness” every night and does not come to sleep properly. Oh yes weekends, holidays and holidays are of course not
You don’t need to be skeptical, because it’s quite normal, it’s just going to be overlooked because many think (especially childless people) that parental leave or something.
I can also say from my own experience that a 40-hour week like recreational holidays is against a week with baby.
Right! That’s what I understood. But it is becoming more and more frequent on the Internet just to fly over the text and then shout!
The 48 hours were about when she was sick and didn’t care about the household, and the man probably took care of the child only, but left the household left and she had to take care of everything for 48 hours. So I understand
I want to understand. What exactly happens from 6:30 – 20:00 and yet the apartment remains chaotic after 48 hours?
Why does the FS now swung when it is to become concrete?
This means that she cares 24/7 about the child with the hours of deduction in which the child sleeps
That’s right. You can split up work. The father should also play with the child to function as a father. I’m just not thinking about the 94,5-hour week that the FS has presented here. I can be sceptical, right?
So if you only work 3 days and have 4 of them free then it’s probably clear that a “biscite” time should take care of household and child care with it. Those who get children should also adjust to what changes and you can not only sleep when you want. My friend cooks and helps in the household even though he works 7 days a week and has only 2 days free. And how will it be later when both work again? Should she be busy 24/7 while he might sit in front of the TV and chill?
One should help at least as much as it is before all in the first years where the child is still too small to act independently.
Where I read this?
Eggs son won’t waste the entire apartment within 48 hours. And your husband probably doesn’t.
So, what are you upset about? That toy’s lying around? Or he doesn’t suck when he supervises the child?
I’m just questioning.
It was never easy to talk.
But I do not understand a working week of 7 x 13.5 hours = 94.5 hours without break.
Can you explain?
Don’t get up, that’s superficial and provocative! As a mother of a small child you are in principle around the clock “in use”!
Instead of getting emotional, explain how you did your day from 6:30 to 8:00 without a break. You will understand if you work 13.5 hours each day, you would even exceed the 80 hours week of managers.
Now it becomes really funny, that would be really violent if you could not even have 10 minutes of time to seek help for familial inconsistencies.
Do you have children yourself? Do you know how extensive their homework is? Do you know if the child is “easy” to care and to protect?
Where did you leave this, please? He’s not doing anything in the house. there is no risk of doing something wrong. I don’t expect any miracles, but sometimes take the garbage down or even hang the laundry should just be inside.
You have to show me how you’re busy from 6:30 to 8:00. You wouldn’t explain how you could be here at GF.
He works 25h a week, and I’m busy with household and babysitting every day from 6.30 to 20. Yeah, I think he should do a handshake here, too.