Family destroyed, how would you deal with it?
Actually, it doesn't affect "us," but indirectly it does.
My husband has had a good friend for decades. This friend helped him out of a difficult situation. I'm not friends with my husband's friend; I just know him.
Going out with his wife I'm currently becoming friends and now I've found out from her that her husband has lied to her and cheated on her for the second time. The first time was many years ago. The second time started in the summer of 2023 and she found out about it in the fall of 2023. But not from him himself; she looked at his cell phone. It should be said that they both had an agreement to use each other's cell phones, etc. Anyway, she then discovered that he was having an affair with his sister-in-law. He admitted everything. After my husband's friend found out that I probably knew, he contacted my husband (after months of no contact). Of course he told him a slightly different story. No more feelings, blah blah blah. Firstly, for me personally, cheating is an absolute no-go and you generally stay away from friends and family!!!
In any case, I would be interested in your opinion on this.
How would you, as a friend of a friend, handle this? I believe you have to take a clear stance and can't have your cake and eat it too much. To me, this guy is a spineless idiot. My husband tells me we'll stay out of it and I should be there for her. Of course I'm there for her! However, I don't want this guy around or have any contact with him. He has destroyed families (and his sister-in-law, too, of course). Four children are involved. My girlfriend's are almost grown up, and the others are still toddlers.
I believe that if you associate with such people, you are no better off yourself and of course I am also a little afraid that he will put crazy ideas into my husband's head, since we have already faced the issue of separation.
I am truly appalled. I still
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Your partner's friendships are his thing, not yours. I think this is exaggerated:
Infidelity is not contagious. Either a person has a basic understanding of loyalty or not. In addition, "hey, my friend has disassembled his entire family, which I now also try" is not exactly a common thought.
Yeah, he's a bad partner. It doesn't make him a bad friend. And statistically, we're probably all friends with someone who was unfaithful.
You can and shouldn't judge the situation. You only know the story from the point of view of the woman or don't accept his version. The truth is somewhere in the middle. I'm a divorced woman, and my marriage is about as finished as you describe it here. At some point, I had the realization that the affair was not the reason for separation, but only determined the time. It was important for us that our friends behave neutrally. They didn't have to take a party.
Also I am divorced (now my 2nd marriage) and for this reason I react very strongly to fraud. You can't walk the easiest way, affair, and at home everything stays with the old one. If I don't love anymore, I have to go. This is fact. No one has to be forced to maintain a marriage or partnership if you no longer want to.
I know the destroyed family is already 4 years old and 2 years ago I have already experienced the first fraud that was back 10 years ago. I also know that he came to reluctant. I'm probably a strange person because I have completely different views.
if this puts you down, turn to therapy. most people separate, set up the crown and continue.
Of course, the scam is crap. It would have been easier for everyone if my ex-husband had separated before. But I know that we have made it easier for everyone through our dealing with separation. No one, neither friends nor children (that was the most important) should be on the side of another. By taking a party, you make a bad situation even worse. So it is now possible for us to meet two to three times a year with friends together without being unpleasant for friends. And when our children get married, we can act together as proud parents. Because the most important in the situation are the children. Let's stay a life-long parent
That's why I said no one should decide. And if someone asks you to, you'll just say knock and clarify that you don't. Especially since it was heavily burdened at the time. In our circle of friends, by the way, there was a couple that had massively placed on my side – which I didn't want. Their friendship to our entire circle of friends suffered massively. Everyone else is now fine with the situation
I can also sit down with my ex-husband without stress and have peace with it. Just because of the kids.
That's not the subject for me right now. Like the two of them, their thing is. Unfortunately, this family is a somewhat more difficult situation and you should know the entire story… I'm glad he doesn't belong to my friends. However, my best friend and then best friend (her husband) was in the same situation and I had to decide because otherwise I would have broken it. It was dragged from both sides to me.
If you don't trust your husband, it's a 'du-problem'… that has nothing to do with his acquaintances.
Whoever he meets is his thing. And I'm just gonna give him the best thing to do. But with whom he meets and possibly has sporadic contact, this is his decision in my eyes.
With such statements, I would also be cautious… what exactly happened you don't know and the marriage would have been "destroyed" just as if he hadn't stopped it with her anymore and separated himself 'indecent'. Perhaps he saw the alienation as an alternative to continue to be able to maintain marriage and still take what he maintains in his relationship.
Look at it like this: if he separates, there is already rage and murder from your side, because he has destroyed the family.
If he just goes outside the woman, then the relationship and family will be maintained and IDEALLY runs everything as it goes and no one ever gets anything from it.
In this respect… I can understand why one decides for the latter variant as the path of the least resistance… just if everyone thinks like you. Of course, that does not apologise to action… it is nevertheless wrong action.
But you should realize that in such cases the relationship was mostly ailing anyway.
I'll give you a chance. The relationship was probably in the end in his eyes, and he probably didn't show it that way. Of course, feelings change after more than 20 years of marriage. That's completely out of question.
However, my husband himself has been in such a situation before my time and he himself has demanded the loyalty of the two (whose marriage now lies in shards) and also that these should decide. The now separated couple did not do that, for example.
That's right, there's only black and white for me. And has to do with character for me, whether someone goes strange or not.
this is your view. most people see it differently.
Your husband is right. You should stand out. What the said friend does with his wife or his family doesn't matter if he is a good friend to your husband or not.
You only know the story of fraud, but you don't know if you're married or family.
It doesn't matter what's basically gone. The fact is that you do not cheat and should separate and create clear conditions. What's after that is all his thing. And then also with the sister-in-law pleasure, is not at all. Don't you think it's too dismissable? Why don't you put yourself in the situation? You're home and your husband goes to the sports club and then that comes to the light???
no that is completely in order and his thing. it doesn't matter
Sure, that's miserable. This has nothing to do with friendship with your husband.
what he does. it's his thing.
What's all right?
as a friend, I think he has to decide for himself what he does. Because you are not friends with him and are only an external third, the story is none of your concern. Stay out.
I'm friends with the woman, so I'm kind of involved. I have other views.
your views interested. one does not interfere in relations of his friends and does not accept any side.
that's why you should stay out
And yet, it's my girlfriend!!!!
for what? and even if you do, you get up and you just keep going
Clamped? Sorry, then you should be really cheated..
No, it's about not interfering in other people's affairs. did you learn nothing at your nursery? you have no views but are completely jammed
You have your view and I have mine. And there's no talk of interfering. This is about loyalty!
I find your clear positioning excellent! Values are foundation for a good relationship whatever kind of thing! you are a very strong personality and know the right to distinguish from injustice most accurately I love strong clear structured people like you! the world should have more of such!
All good and you already know the answer 🙏 it is deeply anchored in your interior!
Who am I, about other relationships? Each story has (at least) two pages and “school” is such a thing…
In such situations, I feel like neutral Switzerland.
Huh? Your husband's going to be a stranger because someone's going on badly?
Happy for you!
I don't think he'd go outside. I know that his acquaintance is a pretty good speaker, and my husband, a year ago, also puts my head in nonsense and he made this bullshit. He was flat with pain for 5 days. Also with us is not a hot world and of course it is obvious that it will be guided in front of him how beautiful it is alone. Holidays with buddies etc. Good that just doesn't matter. Just proves that for me there is only black and white.
This can be a problem (d).
Sometimes people stumble over their own raised index fingers.
No, it's just you. when he goes strange, he's your superstitious. humans are naturally not designed to be monogamous. so it's normal
It's a nogo. It has to be done with character.