Blurb?
Hello, I have now revised my blurb again and would like to know your opinion on it.
At some point, you have to give up and be content with what you have. Even if that means leaving your entire clan behind and waiting for a new—and better—century.
When orphan Hailey learns that a young couple seems interested in her, everything seems perfect. Her life in the orphanage is over, and she's given the chance to have a family. But this, too, holds unpleasant surprises—surprises that, for some, could mean the end of their happy lives.
Hailey slowly immerses herself in the fascinating, almost mystical world of the Cullens, unaware that this is bringing her ever closer to her true self.
(3 votes)
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It gets better – but it’s still not really good.
You can leave the first part safely. It doesn’t help the reader.
The second one fits. However, you should not use any conjunctive.
Formulations like “But also this…” or “almost mystical world” should be avoided. You know what these are worlds. “Fast already” is not fish nor meat.
There is nothing left of the too many information from the first attempt. Weren’t they so important? And a real cliff hanger is still missing. You could take this.
At some point you have to give up and get satisfied with what you have. Even if that means leaving all his clan back and waiting for a new – better century.
When the orphan Hailey finds out that a young couple seems to be interested in them, everything looks perfect. Her life in the orphanage has an end and she gets the chance of a family. However, this also keeps unpleasant surprises ready – surprises that could mean for some the end of their happy life.
Hailey slowly immerses itself in the fascinating, at the same time mystical world of cullens. Not knowing that this brings them closer to their true being.
The being that was killed in the last century.
Is it better? With the last sentence, the upper heel would fit, right? I’ve changed that mystical.
As I said: I’d leave the first paragraph. He doesn’t.
You still have the two conjunctives. This doesn’t sound sovereign when you write about your own book: “You appearing to be interested.” or “It could be mean the end.”
In the appendix, the problem arises that the first “being” is understood rather than internal, the second as a creature. Make it easier: …to bring true beings. And to a life that was violently ended a century ago.
Or so similar;-)
Awesome interest, overall I find it really good!
I think it’s good because you don’t tell too much and the flap text makes you curious, but you still know what it’s about.
Hi SethGlearwater,
All right. I think that would definitely raise interest! The first paragraph is a good introduction. Even though you’re regaining a rough outline of what’s happening, you still leave questions open – for example what Hailey’s true being is and what’s happening with Cullen’s for things – immediately makes you want to read the book and find out what’s going to happen.
A little thing has confused me a bit:
Maybe I’d rather say that, even if I’m not quite sure.
But otherwise I find the flap text as already said super!
LG Salome
Now I am looking forward to more