Benutztes Kondom im Zimmer meiner Tochter gefunden?
Ich bin immer noch total geschockt. Ich muss in der Woche bis Nachmittags arbeiten. Meine 15 jährige Tochter ist deshalb häufig den Mittag bzw. in den Ferien auch mal von morgens an alleine zuhause. Sie ist dann natürlich immer erreichbar.
Wie auch immer ich habe heute beim aufräumen ein scheinbar benutztes Kondom im Müll von ihr gefunden. Ich weiß aber überhaupt nichts von irgendeinem Freund den sie hätte.
Was ist da los? Wie soll ich reagieren? Muss ich mir Sorgen machen? Ich habe Angst das sie vllt in irgendwas drin steckt und sich nicht traut mir das zu sagen. Würdet ihr das einfach ansprechen? Ich hab schon versucht in ihr Handy zu kommen aber sie hat scheinbar ihren Code geändert. Mache mir große Sorgen.
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Don’t make yourself crazy first. Vllt. she really has a really nice friend and is ashamed of telling you.
I would still want to know exactly what’s going on. I know enough people who were totally fucked up at age or even pushed to it. If you’d look into your phone, you’d be safe. I made a friend too, and it came out at the end that she wrote out of the Internet with some pervert old guy. So, of course, this doesn’t have to be so, but caution is very important nowadays.
I’m afraid of that. How did you get in there?
No, but it also found it suspicious and then just looked over the shoulder when she was sitting on my bed. You could vllt. also a little cream or so on the face id then it must enter the code and you look inconspicuous.
Well… you can be fooled. I’m glad you clarified it. I don’t think it’s gonna take her for a long time. 🤭
Please. Basically you’re right and I feel a little bad but also very relieved. I’ll tell her again that she doesn’t have to be ashamed to come to me with such things.
So I actually managed to get in. I looked through everything last night and found nothing. Apparently, she doesn’t even talk to her friends about such things. It has also turned out that she probably used the condom for masturbation. without going into detail 🙈 am relieved
You know that.
That one?
She’s got reason. You can write the rest to Santa Claus. Maybe they’re interested.
Decentered Note: GuineapigO here at GF already a lot.
There is no “founded occasion” here.
The fundamental illegality of such an act, of course, would also add to your daughter’s sustainably destroyed relationship of trust.
How seriously a mother can even think about it, this would be a “good idea”, does not even come out of my mind.
But: Everyone can destroy their family as she likes. My sympathy and support will always belong to the daughter. And that’s what the German state sees.
Yeah, I think you’re right to make an exception. Thank you.
And
And
I have to tell you honestly, she has good reasons not to trust you. And I just dare to say things when I trust someone. Work to be a good parent and maybe (!) she will come to you. But don’t expect it. 15 is now also in the middle of the age when one distances oneself from the parents and tries to find oneself.
Good answer. Especially in terms of trust!
Apparently your daughter has little faith in you.
As a father, I would remember why my daughter didn’t trust us parents and secrets from us. When my daughter was 15, she came to us and told us she needed the pill. As a father you still see the little girl, but you have to accept that she will grow up and make your own decisions.
Apparently you missed something if your daughter doesn’t trust you. The idea of spying on your phone is not at all. No wonder your daughter changed the code. That too should give you thought. She doesn’t trust you.
The only way to restore confidence is to speak openly about it – but without accusations, but as a mother giving advice. It is important that she is aware of responsibility when she has intercourse. In this respect, the condom is a positive sign, because it serves the prevention.
Simply ask nicely and in no case overreact or become loud
Talk calmly and juice to each other without stress. Build a trusted base and try to talk to it without making a big deal.
You can’t change it any more and she’s mature enough to know what’s good alone if she’s already prevented. If she was stuck in anything, she wouldn’t have let the person in, I’m going from out
You can’t know that. Vllt will be blackmailed, forced or something, or something wrong with the friend. We usually talk about everything.
It’s okay to worry. But what do you do with sex?
You’re going out of the worst without having a clear conversation. This overreaction is completely inappropriate, because sex with 15 is not unusual.
I’d worry more about why your daughter doesn’t trust you.
May I be
Just talk to me and BITTE will not be loud or too intrusive
Perhaps her is the unpleasant and at her age you can have the first time
I find it acceptable from 14
When my daughter wanted to have the pill with 15 I found it very early – you still see the “small girl”. But you have to accept that. One can only clarify and give advice (which are not observed anyway).
That’s why it’s up to the mother to show her she can trust her.
I think she already trusts her, but still it doesn’t change that she may be uncomfortable or she doesn’t know how the mother will react to it. That’s what it would be like for me.
I think it’s a little early, but yes. The most important thing is to find out if she is in trouble.
That’s why I’d never be loud or so. Otherwise you’re right
Hi your daughter is 15 and this is normal with the adolescents as a mother makes man always worry about her child and this is normal talking to her it can be that with a young what she has she is 15 she wants to have fun
Yeah, that’s gonna be pretty sure.
Be happy to use a condom. You could praise them instead of panicing now.
Sorry, but why are you messing around in her stuff? That one has in mind his children and hopes that they will grow reasonably tall and remember what they have taught them. But did you teach your child that you didn’t just search the rooms and respect others?
I’ve found it clean up. That I’m taking care of now is understandable.
Your worries are understandable, but not your idea of going to your phone. It’s not possible, it’s a breach of trust.
If you worry, talk to her and don’t spy on her.
No.
Yeah, and I wrote you didn’t have a reason to crawl around. Unless your daughter is here.
And as I said, be glad that she uses condoms. :
I think your daughter is just insecure how her parents would react. That’s why she has secrets from you.
That’s why you should go to her and give her the feeling that you trust her and are always there for her. It’s hard to accept that children grow up. For the parents it always comes quite suddenly.
Just say something like, “You could have told me that you have a friend and it’s good that you used a condom. Do I know him? Do you imagine him?”
Good luck!
Yeah, you’re right, it should be, and it’s with us too…
That’s a stupid saying.
If you know your daughter, you’ll see if she’s honest. If, for fear, she doesn’t tell the truth, you’re right in duty to win her trust and help her. You have responsibility for your daughter and your concern I can understand well, but that doesn’t mean you have to go behind her.
I was always very proud that our daughter had hardly any secrets from us.
Yes, I see that in principle. Even if I find Brut a little unbeautiful
Trust is good control is better 😅 could be that she is afraid of something and therefore does not tell the truth.
That sounds like it’s the last option for me – for me it would be the first!
I don’t think anything else will be left.
You would also know if you had an open, clearing conversation with your daughter – without spying on her. If you don’t crouch, it’s up to you – not your daughter.
Parents have the right and the duty to keep an eye on the brood. ☝️
Then I’ll know what’s going on. That’s why I think it’s okay in this case. But she didn’t give me anymore. Date as code, which is already very suspicious.
I’m not messing around, I’m just dreaming her room where she has nothing!
Your cell phone would just go through this would be an extreme intervention in their privacy and great confidence break. At the age of 15, it’s nothing unusual and in puberty it can be unpleasant to talk to parents about this. Pronounce it and explain the risks of sexual intercourse, if not yet. But don’t react mad.
Sure she knows about it. So I find 15 very early but the most important thing is to find out if there’s something bad going on.
? In Deutschland ist man ab 14 sexualmündig/”sexuell selbstbestimmt”.
D.h., BIS 14 dürfen Eltern sexuelle Kontakte ihrer Kinder verbieten oder fördern (IHRE Entscheidung), AB 14 ist es mit dem Verbieten vorbei (die Entscheidung liegt bei der Jugendlichen).
Oder anders: Nicht nur kannst Du deiner Tochter Sex nicht verbieten, nein, Du darfst es überhaupt nicht! Das ist dir verboten!
Und die Justiz setzt das Selbstbestimmungsrecht Jugendlicher gnadenlos durch. Müssen sie. Dazu sind sie zum Schutz der Minderjährigen gesetzlich zwingend verpflichtet (§ 1666 BGB).
Selbst dann, wenn der Partner 32 Jahre älter ist, wie eine 14/15-Jährige das exemplarisch zusammen mit ihrem 46/47-jährigen Partner bIs in die letzte Instanz durchgezogen hat: https://www.spiegel.de/panorama/justiz/urteil-zum-kindeswohl-15-jaehrige-darf-liebesbeziehung-mit-30-jahre-aelterem-mann-fuehren-a-1119197.html
Aus der Begründung des Gerichts: “Natur und Recht fordern die Ablösung von den Eltern”.
“Im Bereich des persönlichen Umgangs ist für den Heranwachsenden nicht nur der soziale Kontakt zu anderen im Allgemeinen und das Bedürfnis nach Kontakt mit Personen des anderen Geschlechts im Besonderen, sondern auch die Auswahl der Kontakte nach subjektiven Präferenzen unabdingbare Voraussetzung des Reifeprozesses. So wenig von einem Erwachsenen die Begründung erwartet wird, weshalb er jemanden mag oder liebt, so wenig kann der Heranwachsende zur positiven Rechtfertigung seines Umgangs verpflichtet sein. Erziehung zur Mündigkeit erfordert in diesem Bereich einen Rückzug elterlichen Bestimmungsrechts zugunsten bloßer elterlicher Kontrolle kindlicher Selbstbestimmung.“
[Anmerk.: Ein “unabdingbares” Recht ist ein zwingendes Recht, in das nicht eingegriffen werden darf – nicht einmal freiwillig mit Zustimmung aller.]
“Die Beziehung zu [dem 32 Jahre älteren Freund] mag unerwünscht und sozial geächtet sein; sie ist aber grundsätzlich nicht (straf-)rechtlich sanktioniert, also nicht schlechthin „verboten“. Es gibt jenseits des sich sehr dynamisch unter tätiger Mithilfe aller Beteiligten entwickelt habenden und konsequent betriebenen Adoleszenzkonfliktes und dessen Folgen aus dieser Paarbeziehung selbst keine ersichtlichen Gefahrenquellen für die Jugendliche (Verführung zu Alkohol und/oder Drogen; Abdriften in ein [religiöses] Sektierertum o.ä.), die eine nachhaltige Trennung erforderlich erscheinen ließe.”
Nachhall: Nachdem das letztinstanzlich geklärt war, ist die Jugendliche dennoch nicht wieder zu ihrer Familie zurückgezogen. Im Folgeverfahren wurden den übergriffigen Eltern das Sorgerecht komplett entzogen.
Fazit: Deine Tochter hat Sex, das ist nicht ungewöhnlich, auch/schon gar nicht mit 15, sie hat ihn in einer sicheren Umgebung (in ihrem Zimmer) und sie verhütet.
Zeit, sich zu entspannen: Ich weiß nicht, was Du/ihr Vater/die Schule da an Sexualerziehung geleistet haben, aber das Ergebnis ist jedenfalls offensichtlich sehr positiv. 😎
Mach dir also einen Tee, lehn dich zurück, und beginne mit wehmütigen Erinnerungen an die Zeit, als deine Tochter noch ein Kind war. Sie ist es nicht mehr, und bald wird sie ausgezogen sein.
Wenn nur irgend möglich genieße die Zeit, die dir noch mit ihr in dieser Nähe bleibt. Freue dich mit ihr, leide ggf. mit ihr, tröste sie ggf. bei Liebeskummer und gib Rat, wenn sie dich darum bittet. Alles andere wäre dumm, und nur zu deinem Nachteil …
Neither.
My father had another apartment “a corner” for professional purposes. Then a room was released for him. No shower, no kitchen, but a separate room/tower-free bud. 😎
For showers/baths as well as for dinner, he was in the family apartment/house, but otherwise with himself. Magnificent! 😎
Because they had no fear of it when it was commanded.
That had nothing to do with us.
When a teacher came with stupid “proposals”, my mother has the interests of the pupils or Parents represented.
This would almost have had severe consequences for me, even though I/we were not affected by the matter itself. The teacher wanted to change the teaching plans so that he has more leisure time, to the detriment of the students who had a wide school path (and that were many).
My mother prevented this because she felt it was deeply unfair. I had a walk of a few minutes. But the A-Loch wanted to take revenge on MIR because his pupil’s assault on my mother failed.
Finally did not work, and was a nice example of civil courage for the good of all, even if it brings a family of its own rather confuse. My support she had at that time and also in retrospect, her thing was justified and he was an A-hole, all were proud of her, and at the end all were proud of me, because I then also successfully gave him the forehead.
In short: stories that shape life. The own, as well as indirectly the other.
I agree with you, and the Gesezgeber as well. Therefore, the parents (more precisely: dwelling owners) need your permission if your daughter wants to stay with them (or more precisely: her son) (so also applies to a favorite aunt who thinks she could leave a room to your daughter and her friend): § 180 StGB
Applies up to 16, and not for the friend himself, should he already have his own apartment.
But no one can do that. If she knows you think sex with 15 is too early, I wouldn’t inform you either.
You have a) to write to yourself, and b) it doesn’t change anything that you have no right to speak, whether or not with whom she has sex.
You’ll be in the game at the earliest when it comes to a relationship, so she’ll meet someone regularly.
And then just when someone threatens the welfare of your child (word: alcohol and drugs, etc.). Sex is not a threat.
If an acquaintance mutates to a serious relationship, it will be remembered – if you do not have to count on any fundamental rejection.
I didn’t hide my friends from my parents either. But there were enough girlfriends I didn’t “present” right away. Sex or sex.
Parents have to deal with this.
And BTW: Some comments like “You have a girlfriend?” Or “Bring them for dinner!” I hated something like that. I knew what I was doing. And why.
Either you trust your children and your education, or you leave it.
Yes, we had other times without the Internet. But I don’t think that makes it better, but much more dangerous. It’s also a point that she can get to know all sorts of weird guys.
Yes, of course, she might do it here if she had a boyfriend. I wouldn’t forbid her to hurt her. You’re giving me the right thing to know about who your own child is dealing with and more?
No, I wouldn’t say the girl is naive than boys. But the consequences are quite different for girls. I also think the girl suffers more when they get hurt.
So your brother was kicked out at home at 16 or did he move out? Why did they get involved with the teachers?
No question. Does she do that “niver” or are they more “conscious” than boys?
So the girls of my youth were aware.
Me too.
And then there was no WWW with social media, porn and whatnot.
No.
Never.
As little as my father has done for his sons (“Listen to your guts! If nature means something is good for you, then nature will have thought about it!”).
Even my mother didn’t worry about her sons. At least not noticeable in relation to issues. It was always very supportive: “Where is a will, there is a bush! I prefer my children to make it at home where they are safe and can get help at any time [Note: there were no mobile phones at that time!] than that they are forced somewhere where it may be dangerous!”
I.e., my older brother was “squared” with 16 and had “storm-free bud” since then, while I had the most beautiful room for myself after the living room, practically also “tower-free” because my parents never disturbed me/us when they were there.
With approx. 12 But I have always secretly borrowed Papa’s “Playboy” (and read – not only the pictures :)) And from I think 16, my father always borrowed my playboy. :
And we kindly had unlimited access to contraceptives.
To mention that, apart from compulsory love grief, we have come through puberty well and without any problems…
… I wouldn’t want a young man to want anything else. Not my own.
Love and empathy, trust and understanding, and an education for self-employment with subsequent freedom: My parents have pre-lived, practiced, and then explained that I can use it myself.
Also about fears they had and the struggles they had (not with each other, but with others). They’ve been working for trouble with my teachers.
No, of course, women must be equal. But if you’re honest, women just have the greater risk. In the end, the woman always hangs with the child alone when it comes to separation. You have to go out for 15 years. This is just a point of many. Girls are very vulnerable at the age and also naive, but we turn around later. 😅 Just wondered if you had a daughter. You never worried?
A euro for every time that has passed this stupid comment on the net. I should’ve taken care of until the end of my life. ^^
Do you have any stupid kids today?
Or are only female youths so stupid, male but not?
And what is it that female youths are so stupid?
Genetic condition? Badly educated? Because they’re women? Do we have to reconsider the right of women to vote? ^^
Genetics and education may have led to my daughters not being stupid. ;
So when I was 14, I had no problem with sex.
This had nothing to do with my non-existent naivety, but simply with the fact that he was fun. 8-
If someone had arrived, “Pst! This person doesn’t want to marry you. She just wants sex! Don’t be so naive!”
Then my reaction would have been: “Yes, sex? Nobody talks about ‘married’. It’s about sex. And the longer the relationship takes (if at all), the better, but no one expects an eternal relationship in the youth. Yes, that would be ‘naiv’. Perhaps desirable. But naive. So thank you for the hint. I already knew. Tell those who don’t know that strangely! And then ask them who they have this naivety! Spoiler: Naive adults, I guess! ^^”
“One of the great lies we tell children is that sex stands for love. People use sex to express all sorts of feelings and motives, such as adventurous pleasure or care, but also anger or contempt.” (Dr. David Schnarch, Sexual Therapist)
Can and should be taught to his children at times. Problem solved.
Okay, I felt a little attacked. Still think you underestimate such situations. A 15 year old is usually very naive and is quickly exploited or worse.
Make it clear to you that you are threatening to become obsessive to the daughter and the judiciary, if necessary, in the most omnipotent.
To make it clear, if you have a lot of text too hard.
I don’t see any reason for it.
You didn’t call anyone.
A condom in the garbage is as little occasion as a sexually active 15-year-old.
If you find 15 “too early”, it’s just your personal problem. A sex therapist could help you emotionally, and a specialist attorney for family law could show you the legal boundaries that you’re underlying – both in the case, you shouldn’t have understood/understand my “Roman” when you read it again.
“Roman” is cheaper than therapy/consultation – the result is optimally the same.
No, I don’t understand. WHAT “positive results”?
So or so: Your daughter is no longer a child, let alone a small child, so don’t treat her like one.
I wrote to you that it’s none of your business, I wrote that it’s none of your business, I calmed you down that everything is NORMAL and I advised you to ENTSPANNEN.
Reflect or let it stay. Isn’t my family who is threatening to suffer uninventive hysteria…
What’s the novel? I’m the mother the worries me. Also completely normal operation! That is why it is my duty to prevent them from being exploited, extorted or so. Positive results are exactly what I want to avoid. If you understand.
Sit down, drink a tea and just ask her what she would think of if you got the pill for her. Besides, you’d be happy to introduce her friend to you.
If she vehemently rejects all, or points out, then you can put the condom into play.
I don’t know what was inside the condom and if anything was in it. Maybe she just pulled it over a dildo and satisfied herself.
You are actually right and she apparently only used it for masturbation 🙈 yes the kids are bigger
Why are you worried?
She must be sexually active, which is neither bad nor forbidden.
And that she does not care.
In your place, I would just try to talk to her about it instead of penetrating her privacy.
Yeah, I’m gonna have to watch it and talk to you. Terrible…
Why terrible. It is the most normal of the world! Without sex, she wouldn’t exist!
Why fearful?
Fear that she is exploited, the guy is criminal or something that she is pushed or worse.
And what do you think? It’s not really obvious.
Be glad that condoms were used.
Do you think your daughter will contact you when such actions take place?
Talk to them, but easy. It’s normal age.
I’ll find it a little early.
She is 15!!!!!! Many start today with 12 or 13. That’s early!
15 is a natural age.
The main thing is to know what’s going on.
She’s 15! Relax and just talk to her on the sound.
Talk to her about prevention – especially from the point of view of sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy.
The Muddi has found a condom, I think the daughter is about contraception in the picture ☝️ 🤣 🤣 🤣
Of course, there are still a few small things that have to do with this, for example, the HPV vaccination.
Yes, she knows everything. Knowing the kids today everything through school, internet etc anyway.
Don’t you just want to offer your daughter a secure conversation base where she can trust you? Sure, alternatively, she – like many others – can ask GF here if she comes into a conflict situation… 🤷🏻 ♀️
🤦
Nein.
Nein.
Es ist Sache der Kinder, inwieweit sie gehorchen. ^^
Spätestens Jugendliche sind nicht gerade dafür bekannt – egal zu welchen Zeiten. 😎
Da irrst Du.
Das Erziehungsrecht fordert, Eltern und Kinder sollen sich (unter Berücksichtigung des steigenden Alters des Kindes) einigen. Können sie sich nicht einigen, so können sie das Familiengericht um eine Entscheidung bitten.
Das ist bewusst niederschwellig gestaltet, damit es problemlos genutzt werden kann. Auch und gerade von Kindern und Jugendlichen.
Das Familengericht entscheidet dann, was dem Wohl des Kindes dient. Nicht dem Wohlgefühl der Eltern:
Nein. Hat damit erstmal nichts zu tun. Kann es aber.
Nein. Die Folge ist einfach, dass wir Jahr für Jahr mehr Fälle haben, in denen Jugendämter Kinder aus Familien herausholen. Kurzzeitig, oder dauerhaft – je nach Schwere und Einsichtsfähigkeit der Eltern.
Wenn sie will, wird sie erstmal heimlich eine Beziehung leben. Und wenn sie ihrer Mutter ein Signal diesbezügl. senden möchte, dann wird sie z.B. ein Kondom in ihren Abfall schmeißen, von dem sie weiß, dass Mutter ihn entsorgen wird. 😎
Sollte sie ernsthaft Angst vor dir oder einer Auseinandersetzung haben, hätte man das Kondom auch heimlich entsorgen können, und die Beziehung auch weiter heimlich leben können.
Wenn es auffliegt, wie bei der 14-jährigen mit dem 32 Jahre älteren freund, gibtman sich reuevoll … und macht genauso weiter. Bis es eskaliert, und DANN schaltet man das Jugendamt ein.
Den die Eltern haben keine legale Option, ihr Kind für sein Verhalten zu “bestrafen”. alles, was in deiner (geschweige denn meiner) Jugend noch üblich und legal war, idt den Eltern heute verboten. Und zwar “da trennnen wir das Kind mal eben von den Eltern”-verboten.
Kleinkram interessiert eine Jugendliche nicht. Also müssen die Eltern eskalieren. Also s.o.!
Das können Eltern nicht “gewinnen”. Sie können damit nur die Familie zerstören. Gibt es auch. schade, aber sei’s drum.
Haben die Eltern bei der “14& 46”-Beziehung ja auch geschafft: Sorgerecht wurde komplett entzogen, Tochter bekam einen staatlichen Vormund und zog in betreutes Wohnen (kommunale WG für Jugendliche ohne Eltern).
Damit wäre es vorbei, wenn sich die Tochter bei ihren Lehrern darüber beklagt. Muss sie ja nicht.
Das war im letzten Jahrhundert so.
Und ich habe erklärt, dass meine Eltern so überhaupt keine Probleme mit dem Liebesleben ihrer Kinder hatten … und trotzdem haben wir mit ihnen nicht darüber geredet.
Das ist vollkommen normal.
Da kannst Du jeden Sexualtherapeuten oder Sexualpädagogen fragen, der dir über den Weg läuft, solltest Du mir nicht glauben.
Ich ziehe mein Wissen über menschliches Sexualverhalten keineswegs nur aus meiner persönlichen Erfahrung. 😉
I think you’re overestimated. Education is primarily cause of parents and not any lawyers, judges etc.
Because if that’s what you’re saying, all the helicopters have long been having trouble. So if one is honestly very unrealistic that such laws can be enforced even if it were exactly as you write. I even know a mother who has banned her 17 years of complete relationships for no reason. I don’t think that’s all right. The girl really knows only performance, school, piano, clubs. And this woman is also totally respected by all teachers etc.
In court it is only for divorces or if parents mistreat their children etc. I also explained that she told me everything else and that’s why I’m worried.
? No, you can’t. And the right of education forbids you! 😎 For 24 years.
As it is, and WARUM is, I explained to you on the basis of a real “14 & 46” relationship. What you called “Roman.” ^^
? Well, I’d let you know the youth office.
From the age of 14, one is religious and sexual. In other words, in the two areas, parents have nothing to determine.
And I would like to Current (possibly commented) Read the right to education. Not the olle edition that was when you were a teenager.
You’ll probably be pretty surprised what’s in it by now. 8-
And you should ask yourself how the (also fundamentally reformed) family courts implement this in practice: Think about the worst possible outcome for parents, and you are probably right. ^^
At that time, evil lawyers even spoke of the fact that this was not a “correct” (at that time also the “priority” was disposed of and replaced by the “supplier”), but rather a “care obligation” without rights. ^^
… which in principle is no longer possible.
As soon as possible, see my “Roman”. 😉
Either way, there was a “visible” (legally valid) reason that there is no one here.
When you realize that the daughter has a partner through a condom, you obviously didn’t notice anything about anything.
But because I have the right of education, of course, I should. Know people who really forbid their children everything. Even normal friends, internet, certain series etc.
Of course I don’t want to say that I’d ban her every friend directly. I just want to know who she meets you and what that is.