Auf der Suche nach Ratschlägen und Austausch: Familienalltag, Berufsstress und Beziehungsleben?
Hallo liebe Community,
ich hoffe, ihr könnt mir ein paar Tipps oder Denkanstöße geben, denn im Moment bin ich ziemlich am Ende mit meinen Kräften und weiß nicht so recht weiter. Ich bin bald 33 Jahre alt, meine Frau ist fast 27, und zusammen haben wir drei Kinder im Alter von 1,5, 5 und 7 Jahren. Ein viertes ist unterwegs.
Meine Frau kümmert sich um Haus und Kinder, und ich arbeite von Zuhause aus im Bereich Informatik. Am Ende des Tages bin ich oft völlig erschöpft, erledige aber trotzdem noch anfallende Arbeiten im Haus oder kümmere mich um andere Dinge. Aktuell wohnen wir bei meiner Schwiegermutter, die meine Arbeit und meinen Einsatz im Haushalt nicht wirklich wertschätzt und mich häufig als nutzlos betitelt. Meine Frau steht zu mir, meint aber auch, dass meine Arbeit nicht besonders anspruchsvoll sei und sie gerne mit mir tauschen würde. Sie hat in Polen eine Ausbildung zur Hotelfachfrau gemacht, während ich in Deutschland Informatik studiert habe.
Trotz meiner gesundheitlichen Probleme, ich musste mit 28 Jahren einen Herzschrittmacher bekommen, nehme ich meine Aufgaben ernst und versuche, meine Familie bestmöglich zu unterstützen. Morgens bringe ich unser ältestes Kind zum Bus, starte dann in den Arbeitsalltag, erledige Einkäufe. Meine Frau macht Hausarbeiten und vieles mehr. Es fühlt sich an, als wäre nie eine Pause in Sicht.
In unserer Beziehung haben wir uns auf eine offene Kommunikation und gewisse Freiheiten geeinigt. So ist es meiner Frau beispielsweise erlaubt, abends auszugehen und auch andere Männer zu treffen. Diese Freiheit nutzt sie jedoch kaum, da sie wenig Interesse an anderen Männern hat und die meiste Zeit zuhause verbringt.
Ich würde mich freuen, eure Meinungen und Ratschläge zu hören, besonders von den Frauen hier im Forum. Wie seht ihr meine Situation? Gibt es Dinge, die ich ändern sollte oder anders angehen könnte? Vielen Dank im Voraus für eure Unterstützung!
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You have three children and for 7 years you have to care for a baby or toddler. It would be amazing if you weren’t exhausted.
However, I wonder if the deal is that she makes children and household at home, why do so much of it stay with you?
(and why do you have something like “the work is not demanding”? O.o.
Actually, my wife takes over most of the household work and childcare, especially when it comes to the two older children. However, I am trying to support them as well, especially in the care of our youngest daughter. Maybe I should really think about how I can better share my energy in order not to be constantly at the limit.
The remark about my work hit me, you’re right. Sometimes it feels like my work and the stress I have is not taken seriously. I think I should really address this in a quiet moment to clear out misunderstandings and show how burdensome my work can actually be.
I am very grateful to you for your advice and your perspective on things. Do you have further tips on how to address and improve the situation at home without conflicts? Or how I can generally better pay attention to my health and well-being?
Well, with almost four children, of which a baby, not to be at the limit, should be hard. Children are just strenuous, no different.
I also studied computer science, and it’s just nonsense. The stress level is very high in all computer scientists I know at least in phases.
Why is a conflict that bad? You’re hurt, can’t you even argue?
No, that’s less the case.
A psychologist is not a friend to talk, it is a doctor who helps you sort your head and your life. These are two different things that cannot permanently replace each other. Whether a psychologist would be helpful to you is your decision in the end.
My impression is that you lack a friend. What about your family, is there someone to talk?
Yeah, a trusted person would be really valuable. I also think I should go to the psychologist. My wife is also overloaded, no question.
I guess your wife is overloaded like you. And just pregnant, say physically in exceptional condition. That it doesn’t work perfectly is to be expected.
I don’t know if I should say a lot about education. I don’t have children, I just have the perspective of a child with two siblings from my childhood. I’ll tell you something, even if it’s a nonsense. My impression is that you want the absolutely best for your children. That honors you, but maybe “just okay” is enough..?
I’m rough at your age. When I talk to people about childhood today, things like security, security, reliability were crucial. And I haven’t found anyone who hadn’t somehow bypassed the screen times 😅 or more sweet stuff than the parents knew.
I think what you really lack is a trust person to talk. There seems to be a lot of things you’re busy and what can’t go anywhere.
I am currently facing enormous challenges in my everyday life. The responsibility to pay attention to the diet of my children and to control their consumption of sweets and smartphones is a great thing to do. I simply lack the energy to remain consistent. Especially when I find that the agreements with my wife do not lastingly exist and keep old habits quickly absorbed once I leave the house.
This frustrates me deeply, as my only aim is to achieve the best for my children. I have already done several attempts to make changes, but it has to be resigned that my efforts are often forgiven.
Financial issues also provide for discussion in our relationship. While expenses of 900 PLN are readily accepted for a gift such as a vibrator for my wife, other necessary expenses, such as 400 PLN for clothing or shoes, are felt to be too expensive.
Nevertheless, I would like to emphasise that my children and their well-being are my first priority. I am willing to bring any financial sacrifices to make them a good life. I myself did not have the same chances in my childhood, and it is my personal concern that my children do not have anything to do with it.
I see a big problem in the inappropriate relationship between your mother-in-law and you. This alone creates a tense atmosphere. Here your wife and you should have a loving conversation with your mother-in-law, in which you once represent your highly stressed situation and ask for understanding your mother-in-law. Dispute is buzzing for both sides. I speak from experience.
Frequently, a parent relationship is also a problem. Your wife is responsible for this.
It’s also important that you and your wife move in one line. Only together are you strong.
The five and seven years old children can be used in the household. We have already commissioned our children with small tasks. The seven-year-old child has dried seven parts and the five-year-old dried five parts. The rooms were also cleaned up by the children.
It is also important to plan joint evenings. A game night. For example, we renamed the game “People don’t annoy you” to “People look forward to you”. When someone flew out, he/she got a reward. The kids were happy when they flew out.
We have read our children (three) a good night story in the evening. They’ve been looking forward to it.
For your marriage, too, you should keep an evening in the week. You can explain this to your great children. Just like they have a game night, you have a parents’ night.
I wish you, in fulfilling your many tasks, much wisdom and love among each other.
LG by Manfred
I’m currently in a really difficult family situation. The mother of my wife, my mother-in-law, strongly insults my wife and also tries to bring our children up against us. It is obvious that she has to fight with mental problems. We have therefore decided to move out and go on distance to create a healthier environment for our family. My goal is to buy a home and build a passive income so that we can soon be more independent. Fortunately, our children occasionally help in the household, even if it is not regular, I am very grateful.