Why does my mother love me less?

Hello, I have an older brother and I am treated differently than my brother. I am not jealous but I have been wondering about this for a long time. For example, as a child we never celebrated my birthday, only my brother's. He got lots of great presents and I, on the other hand, got something every few years. As a child you are naturally jealous but years later my mother still accuses me of how jealous I am. If I deny it, she just laughs about it. I can't remember my mother ever complimenting me but it feels like she compliments my brother every day even though he doesn't even do what I do for my mother. For example, my mother hardly ever calls me when she wants something from me, be it taking her shopping, driving her to her appointments, cleaning her apartment or cooking for her visitors. Sometimes she just calls me to sit for a while but when I am there everything revolves around my brother again. Back when we all lived together, he never had to clean up; he often messed up. There was a time when he smoked weed between 17 and 20. My mother, of course, always kept it to herself, and he never got into trouble for it. My father was very passive back then.

My brother is at an age where he should be independent, but he asks my mom every month for money for his pension or other things (he goes to work). I'm a student and once asked for 30 euros because I wanted to buy something. My mom literally freaked out. Whenever my mom invites me to dinner and I arrive, she asks me if my brother should come too. Whenever I say let's sit together alone, she says no, I'll call him now and run into the kitchen to make him his favorite meal.

There are sooo many more things but that would go beyond the scope.

It makes me sad and angry at the same time. My brother knows that my mother would do anything for him, and he shamelessly takes advantage of that. He often tells me that he's the favorite child.

No matter how often I try to talk to my mother about it, she labels me as the jealous one. My brother often tells me that my mother gossips behind my back and says things like: she's stupid, she never listens to me and makes me sad (I was/am always on call and often follow her instructions), she's ugly with her brown eyes and short hair (my brother has colored eyes like my mother and father, and I cut my long hair into a bob a few months ago), she'll never find a man with that kind of look, and much more. Sometimes she even says things to my face.

Why is that? I don't understand it. I was always well-behaved as a child. She often hit me back then, but never my brother.

Shouldn't a mother love both children equally?

I once cut myself when I was 17, and my mom laughed at me and told her best friend. Today, I smoke weed myself because it simply distracts me and takes my mind off things. She calls me a Hauptbahnhof junkie 🙂